Thank you. If you want there is a sequal to this story(of sorts) called Bullet in my Head…
Crime, Thrillers & Mystery / Johnny Brownswood
So here I am after a day of work. It was a usual day- same old routine. Few kills, few bribes, even blackmailing today. I don’t usually blackmail people, I just tell them what I want and what would happen if I won’t get it. Then I shoot them in the knee, a safe enough place so they won’t bleed to death on the spot, but judging by their cries and yells it must hurt like hell. God I love my job.
But this time the Don Capaliery wanted me to play it quiet. Said it was politics or something. So I did what he wanted but with less satisfaction than I’d usually get. All it took was just one phone call. Tell the guy on the other side of the line some bullshit about photos and dames. I could tell he was really scared when I mentioned them. I could hear his heart pumping so quickly it was going to explode if I continued so I made damn sure I prolonged my little speech. I’m sure I’d cause the poor guy a heart attack if I didn’t want to go home early tonight.
See I’m a guy who likes to spend some quality time with his family. I’ve already blew up the Central Hotel today. What can I say? I was in a hurry and in no mood to run around the whole hotel and search for ten cops who were really serious about enforcing law in Hidden Secrets. Besides, no man can let his wife waiting for him. Not on the night of our anniversary.
So I’m walking home. It’s about ten o’clock and the bars are filled with desperate guys like me, who believe that if they’re drunk enough God will send them a dame that would see something special in them. It worked for me. Don’t ask me how was I so lucky to end up with my wife. I guess I must have made an impression on her when I blew the head off her smart-ass ex-boyfriend. All I know is that she is just perfect and many have been jealous of me having her. Many have died because of their jealousy. It‘s a simple fact- only one guy gets lucky enough to have Lucile and from some screwed up reason it was me.
I open the door. It was locked. I wonder if Lucile’s home, she usually doesn’t lock the door. I hear voices. She is home, but there’s someone else in my bedroom. I can hear the bed shaking. Without thinking I take out my gun and kick open the door. And there he was, another lucky bastard like me, only he enjoyed his luck only for a couple of minutes. I shoot him, Lucile’s begging for more and more fades away instantly as he stops moving and she finally sees me smiling holding up my one darling that will always remain faithful- my Taurus 24/7.
“You really fucked up this, Brownswood,” she says as she shakes the panic away and show’s me that bastard’s face.
Not a bastard anymore but the Don Capaliery. I couldn’t believe it. I knew him for as long as I knew Lucile. She even introduced me to him. So he was probably fucking my wife for three years now. Hell, she probably never really felt like my wife. This was all just a scam, a practical joke gone terribly wrong(not for me, of course). Knowing this…that piece of prick deserved to die and so does the slut in my bed.
I’m thinking this as I’m running down the street, cops chasing me. They heard the gunshot. Soon the mob will join them. But before I started running away I took my time killing Lucile. She wasn’t going to die as fast as the Don, with that happy expression on his face. She was going to die on a hospital bed, in pain, with six bullets in her body the steel, cold numbness calling for her.
I steal a car from someone down the street and break that poor guy’s ribs as I throw him out of car while we’re driving fast. I don’t want to do it, but it was the only way to shut him up and of course I can’t take him along with me. If I did I’d have to kill him. I don’t like killing innocent bastards if its not of any interest for me. Someone shoots at the car from one of the windows. Great, now even the mob knows. There aren’t many options left.
So I press the gas pedal as hard as I can and the car surprises me with its speed. Still, the sirens are getting closer. Damn cops, they always keep the best cars for themselves. Coming to think of it, how did the mob always mange to get away from them? But I got some more important crap to worry about right now as I smash through the cop barriers, the impact shaking the car. A little dé ja vú.
Somehow I manage to make to the bridge where the state ends. The cops are still onto me and there won’t be many places to hide one I get past the St Rafael’s Bridge. The adrenaline in my body forces a smile on my face as I see the deep river underneath the bridge and I turn the staring wheel.
The car jumps into the air and splashes into the river as the water starts flooding inside. But I watch all this from under the bridge. It’s the oldest trick in the book, jump in mid air to swim somewhere safe. It’s almost like a little magic working tricks on your mind.
But I couldn’t linger here under the bridge. The cops would surely look for me fairly soon, and as much I as trusted my skills with Taurus there simply were too many son-of-the-bitches to take out.
So I run away to the city of Sweet Hopes, some ten miles away from my little town of Hidden Secrets. Ironically both names really fit. The mob from Hidden Secrets would not dare to go to Sweet Hopes at least not now that there was no one to lead them. Still I was extra careful, knowing of few assholes who hold a grudge against me. With every car light that I see emerging from the curves behind me my heart starts beating fast and my finger tightens the grip on the fully loaded Taurus. Fortunately everything goes well and I finally arrive in the city in the morning, soaking wet due the heavy rain that started about an hour ago and I already I feet its effects. I can’t believe my luck of not being caught so far and wonder if God is really that merciful or if this was just a reward for getting the world rid off pricks and perverts such as myself.
From now on it’s the good old plan that always works. I look for trouble in the bars. I try to pretend I’m drunk and pick a fight with people that look like they were recognized gangsters- and it works. They beat me up, blood river flowing endlessly from my once-again broken nose, and bring me to the local Don. He looks at me and recognizes my face even after its recent force rearrangements. How can he forget? I am the reason why he wears long sleeves and gloves. Last time I checked I was still numero uno on his top wanted list, the only reason why he stays away from Hidden Secrets.
Without feeling the need to talk he slowly walks over to me, takes out a knife and starts ripping through my skin. I know have to go through this but better to go through so much pain, an amount so great that it temporarily blocks off the memory of Lucille and our pretended relationship. But when he’s finished I quickly remember and tell him everything. About the Don being dead, about the blackmailing our local mayor, everything. He thinks about the information that I’ve just given him but doesn’t feel the need to waste any words at me. He simply nods and shakes my hand covered with blood. So it is agreed- he’ll protect me from Hidden Secrets’ mob, if I’m going to help him use all this bullshit I just told him. Like I have a choice. All is settled.
-—-
One fine Sunday morning a car pulls over. I stand there reading my newspaper and watch two rough guys in nice black tuxedos walking towards me from the car. This is old style, not anything the modern mob does anymore. So they finally came, about time really… it took them goddamn 50 years to track me.
“Johnny Brownswood?” one asks and shows me his gun buried into his pants.. Instinctively I reach for it, still fast enough to break his legs and shoot him to release from him from his agony. I surprise myself at how good I still am and a thought of maybe living through today crosses my mind. But the second one’s clever. He shoots me to my knees and elbows. The takes out a knife and carves Capaliery’s name into my skin. “The Mr Capaliery Junior sends his regards.” I curse myself for not making sure the Sweet Hopes gang killed Capaliery’s son as I watch the young man in the suit walk back to his car.
He’ll make a fine gangster one day….
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catherinespark reviewed Version 3 -
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Hi,
Well, I did read this for credits, but I did rather enjoy it. It was rough around the edges, although I found the rough anti-hero pleasing enough for me. The level of roughness was set rather high throughout and the suspense level were cranked up to eleven. You have a fine grasp of what is demanded from this type of fiction and if you can put your instincts to use you will grow as a writer.
Laura
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The_Bored_Poet reviewed Version 3 -
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Hmmm, I rather enjoyed this write, an entertaining read and I can see that you took a lot of time with this, no major errors errors to really detract from my reading of this piece and overall your writing style was easy to get into without THAT much awkwardness of form or speech though there were some problems.
Actually, I’d recommend some more proofreading for spelling errors, but overall you’ve got potential and it was a good essay. For your age it was pretty good, well done and keep on writing!
Great entertaining gangster story with a lot of tension, I look forward to more of your pieces.
MoulinCool reviewed Version 3 -
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this is a very interesting story. It is suspenseful, intriguing, and surprising. As good as it was for someone only 16 years old, there are a lot of grammatical errors thoughout the piece. Commas, word choice. However, I was not deterred from the plot. I’m not too familiar with the life of Gangsters and how they operate, but I’d say you have captured the essence of a gangster very well in Brownswood and the many characters he is aquainted with. Like I said before, the plot was well-written, but there are many grammatical errors. And in one part, the scene changes dramatially. Between “Cold numbness calling for her… & I steal a car…”. They do not flow together. My advice is to work on transitioning…and perhaps more emotion from Brownswood would really spice it up and make him even more 3D then what he is now.
good luck with this.
RoadHousePress reviewed Version 3 -
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Reviewing stories is work. We get credits for our time. If the story is enjoyable than that’s a plus. I did like your voice and I think you could write in the gangster genre, but I have to say, it will take more attention to detail and a lot more filling in. Take your time, build suspense. There is no suspense to paragraph after paragraph of killing, etc.. there has to be something in between, maybe he goes home and sees the family, etc.. does something else. I also don’t think its realistic that gangsters love the kill, only in video games do you see this, not in real life action. Study the gang, slow down and build your protagonist into a 3D character.. I felt like you were talking really fast and I had no time to get involved in the plot.. and then wham.. it ended with a shorter paragraph that just says they came and got him. Why am I telling you this? Because I heard something in the narration.. your voioe and I think you might be able to pull this off. You said you hoped this was the last revision.. well, in my experience, you are driven to revision because you have a story to tell and if its not being told, then you revise.
garnbev reviewed Version 3 -
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This piece represented a sign of your creativity. I truly enjoyed reading your story. Good presentation and good flow. The storyline easily maintained my interest. I was drawn in by the flow and structure which guided me along with ease. Your descriptions are vivid. I’ve nothing to critique. Nothing to change. Thanks for sharing this.
forgetaboutit reviewed Version 3 -
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This has got to be my favorite story so far.
I have always enjoyed the Organized Crime theme (The Godfather, Wiseguys, Underboss) and this story is no exception. The ani-hero was great. He was a bastard, yet you couldn’t help but like him. I liked how he had a calm tone about violence. I also liked how you didn’t have him die or survive, but you left it up for the reader.
Overall, I hope for him to survive and for him to be around to fight the second gangster and Don Capaliery Junior.
hellbunny reviewed Version 3 -
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I realize I don’t know you, but this piece is so different from the sweet kid I imagine you to be, and that’s what will eventually propell you into becoming a great writer. (I know; you’re 16. I should not be calling you a sweet kid. How embarrassing.)
“But this time…” It’s okay to start a sentence with a conjunction if a character is speaking because that is how people talk, but it should not be done in narration. Your grammar needs to be much tighter in your prose. You had quite a few gramatical errors, but they did not distract much at all from the story. You did a fantastic job with this, and I would love to read more from you in this genre. This is the strongest piece of yours I have read.
kuroikiharu reviewed Version 3 -
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Man, I really think this story needs to emphasize on the blood, make it more bloody, and spend as much time as you need describing the bloody scenes. You should make our stomachs sick. Otherwise I really think this has no much meaning. Also, if this guy is smart, why go through all this for a girl? Should have managed to kill her without anyone knowing. The police heard the shots? He should have beaten her up to death!!!
hammah reviewed Version 3 -
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The stream of consciousness flow to your story is nice. Some of the jumps in time are a little rough, especially at the end when the son comes back for revenge.
I think it lacked suspense, which your writing tells me you are very capable of.
To make it more creepy, add details of the rooms, the streets, the bars. A few sentences of definition can help set a tone ahead of your action.
For example, when your mobster comes home to find the wife in bed with the boss, what room did he walk through first?
Was it eerily quiet or did he hear noises?
Were there red roses on the dining room table he sent her that day? (for example)
Keep writing, you’re doing great.
The_Peacekeeper reviewed Version 3 -
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Believe me, I didn’t read this story to get credits. I definitely need a sequel NOW. I loved the tension. it was like i was playing video games.
Did you publish the story anywhere? I gave you a 9 in Pub in Lit Mag criteria above.
The gangster stories have natural appeal in themselves and you took it few degrees up.
Keep writing.
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