Short Story / now you see her, now (ten notes on music school)
10
‘Sometimes,’ she says, lips already twitching into a grin, ‘I think I disappear on closer inspection.’
‘Oh?’ He hasn’t known her that long. Still. He’s not rising to the bait.
‘Y’know, when you say hi and nobody notices? And it goes on for a string of fifty people, all looking straight through you?’
He snorts, picks up his glass of water.
‘See? It’s never happened to you?’ Her voice is rising, somewhere between indignant and amused.
He swallows the water. ‘Maybe you’re saying it too softly.’
‘Well, what makes people invisible?’
She’s always asking questions like that.
9
‘He shouldn’t have yelled at you in rehearsal,’ she says when he’s putting his clarinet away. ‘It was a new mouthpiece.’
‘That’s not an excuse.’
‘Switching mouthpieces is a bitch.’ She shifts the oboe case on her shoulders.
‘Not like you’d know.’ He smiles to let her know he’s kidding, but he’s facing down. She can’t see.
‘Well.’ The word shades off into a sigh, an extended l trailing off into silence.
He looks up. She’s walking the other way.
8
She’s working the Ligeti quintet when he knocks on her practice room window. She doesn’t turn.
He opens the door anyway.
‘Are floor meetings tonight?’
She flinches, then wrinkles her forehead. ‘I think so?’
‘I’ll ask around, then.’ He’s kinda fishing around for an excuse to stay in here.
‘Good plan.’ She’s already turning back to the music.
In the hall, he realizes he should’ve said she sounded amazing good.
It’s the kind of thing she’d tell him.
7
‘The salad’s the only really good thing here.’ There’s a slight clatter of cutlery as her tray meets the table, just across from him.
‘So you got a slice of pizza instead?’ They’ve long gotten over the word hello.
‘We’re musicians,’ she says, ‘We were born masochists.’
6
He’s working on some excerpts (Stravinsky and Rachmaninoff) and he takes a breath and her face is peering in his practice room.
She gives him a thumbs up.
And then she walks away.
When he’s done practicing (for now), he can hear the Mozart oboe concerto from the next room over. But when he walks up to the window, she doesn’t look up.
He gives her a thumbs up anyway.
5
It’s raining and, running back from a quintet rehearsal, he doesn’t notice her at first.
‘Today’s a Chopin kind of day,’ she says from over his shoulder. They’re waiting at a red light.
‘Or a rainy one.’ Sometimes it’s tiring talking about music all the time.
‘I played Barber in the rain, once, and it was gorgeous.’ Her voice has gone all soft, like she’s not particularly paying attention to him.
And it’s weird, because the timbre of her voice kind of fits in with the sound of the rain hitting the sidewalk.
‘For orchestra and rain?’
The light turns green.
‘Yeah. But today’s more of a Chopin day. Just a solo piano.’ She swats at a strand of wet hair.
Their feet make little squelching noises against the pavement.
4
‘Do you ever wonder what you’ll do after this?’ He’s left his door open and her voice comes from the threshold before he turns his head.
‘Most of the time.’
‘Does it scare you?’ Her voice trembles, just a little. She’d probably deny that if he mentioned it.
‘There’s a whole world out there,’ he says, turning his face towards her.
And then, because he can just make out the slight glint of tears in her eyes, he nods his head up and down.
It’s just enough.
3
He’s just about to be late for theory (it’s been one of those mornings) and he catches sight of her disappearing into an elevator, her oboe slung over her shoulder.
And he thinks about ditching theory.
This is pretty much a daily occurance, though.
2
‘The food’s not bad tonight.’ He’s getting used to it, anyway.
‘The salad’s always good,’ she says, smiling as she spears a hunk of lettuce with her fork.
He’s torn between a witty remark and a grin.
She smiles back and he figures it was the right decision.
1
He’s looking for a practice room and there’s the Mozart oboe concerto.
And he walks by -- it has to be her -- and it is and she catches his eye.
He opens the door.
‘You know that thing you said about being invisible? A while back?’ He’s not entirely sure where this is going.
‘When you didn’t believe me?’ She’s not looking at him. She’s fiddling with her reed.
‘But the thing is,’ he says, focusing on the piece of wall right in front of him, ‘you’re not invisible. I can see you.’
‘Oh?’ And she’s looking straight at him. He could swear she’s smiling.
And.
‘Hey,’ he says, taking a step towards her.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
I really liked this piece. You framed it by telling us it was about being new to a new school/music program, which made the whole piece richer. You include this in, chapter three i think, when you say someone is late for theory. I’d like that to be earlier in the piece, so that the reader knows, through the actual prose, the setting, and knows it earlier.
I don’t have a lot more to say. I liked the characters. I liked the backwards chapters. I thoguht the title could have been a bit better.
Cheers, keep working, good luck at school,
James
- add/view comments (0)
AWWWWWWW.
I love happy endings.
I like the story. They become friends, then they become distant, and then the get closer (in both senses).
The flow of this peice was great and I liked how I could feel how they were feeling.
Great Job!
I started off wanting more of this story but lost my way somewhere in the story. I think the characters needs to be more interesting, and that may be accomplished by giving the audience more of who they are. Great start to what seems like a promising story.
First, let me say, this is very well written and I love the vignette style of it. However, I think for a short story it’s a little confusing. Perhaps poetry would be a better genre to place it in.
I do have a question about the strike-throughs. What was the purpose of them?
One of the things I loved the best was not about the writing but the message. Being invisible to someone you desperately want to see you. It’s ironic actually. Here she’s talking about being invisible and it’s him that she wants to see her. And it takes him until the end to make mention of her presence even though he’s seen her all along. It’s funny for them to be so creative musically, but not when it comes to interpersonal interaction.
All in all, I thought it was very good.
A Simple story well written.
The countdown works.
We all know what is coming, and feel satisfied when we are right.
Some reviewers may demand character descriptions, scene settings etc. Personally I think this works perfectly just the way it is. Nice and lean.
I thought your story was very good. The shortened lines made it move at a believable pace, and the conversations sounded real.
However, I was unsure of what the numbers at the top of each section were supposed to represent. I originally thought that they were a countdown of days, but that didn’t seem to fit. I like how they divide each section; it clearly shows that the text is not meant to be lumped together as one time. If they stood for anything in specific though, that was not clear.
Also, the “And.” (second to last line) seemed to not flow with the rest of the story, in my opinion. It seemed too short and choppy to fit in. I would suggest adding a few more words to it, to make it a complete sentence, or to remove it. The “Still.” in the second line also appears to be awkward. I wasn’t sure if he “still” didn’t know her well, even after a good deal of time, or if he “still” didn’t rise to bait, despite not knowing her. I would advise combining it with either the prior or the preceding sentence.
You did a very good job overall. The characters are easy to relate to, and leaving out their names and even specific details makes them seem realer. Some of the comments made by both characters are deep and insightful, which brings a balance. Even though the ending is open, the previous text makes it clear enough what might have happened. This is honestly one of the better stories I’ve read in quite a long time.
this was really good. i quite enjoyed the vignette qualities of each note. the fact that so much is implied i think makes the story that much better. plus i’m heavily into music (i do chorus though), and i know what it’s like to be in music school. keep working on this, or this arena of work.
This reads a lot more like a screenplay than a story with the scenes switching so often.
Sometimes your diction is a little off, like in this sentence: ”The word shades off into a sigh…”
I’m not sure words “shade” so even if you said “drifts,” which is overused, it would not be so awkward.
These people get names somewhere in your story, right? Otherwise it maintains a dreamy, almost surreal quality, like music.
Showing 1 - 8 of 8
Review item
Add to faves
GENERAL
REVIEW QUEUE
Ratings & Rankings
