Thanks, I am glad you like it and yes, the book opens with it in the beginning as well.
Novel Treatments / Bullets and Bandages
The cemetery was right where the preacher had said it would be. I pulled off the road and walked, following a path as it led under some huge oak trees. It wasn’t long before I came upon them. They were all praying at the gravesite. They hadn’t noticed me yet, so I staightened my tie and buttoned my uniform. I felt really nervous as I came over to them.
One of them, a big man with a gray beard spoke. “Who are ya? We not be a-needin’ for you to be here.”
I looked him in the eyes. I could see the anger and the sorrow. Trying to stay calm, I replied, “Rob Marrino is my name. I am here to pay my respects to Sergeant Green. I do need to speak with his folks; he was my friend and fellow soldier.”
Everyone was quiet for a moment. Then, a women came forward. I could see the resemblance in her features.
“Is your name really Marrino? Did he call you Doc?”
I nodded and her face lit up. She had that same big smile.
“My boy Clarence, he wrote about you in his letters.” She said as she moved closer. “God bless you for coming.” She grabbed my hand. “Oh yes, I see the name on your nice uniform. Everyone, please welcome Doc Marrino. He was with our Clarence and was his good friend. Please come and pray with us?” She asked.
She took me over by the grave. As I walked closer, I saw his name etched on the face of the headstone. I tried to hold myself together, thinking of some of the happy times we spent in the Nam.
I kneeled and prayed for some time.
After a while, my emotions just let go and the tears began to flow. I sat there as they left, each one putting their hand on my shoulder as they walked by. It felt good to let my emotions out. I thought everyone was gone until the big man called out.
“I can see now that you and my son Clarence were close.”
He shook my hand. “My name is Benjamin, but my friends call me Ben. Please tell me some about his time over there.” His eyes were filled with sadness as I tried to pull myself together.
“Your son was a fine soldier and a fearless leader.” I replied. “He was one of the best. You can be very proud of him. He deserved to be home. I promised him he would make it.”
His father embraced me, and I could feel my friend’s presence, as if he was trying to say it was okay. My hand was shaking. I stood there a moment trying to calm down.
“It’s a-goin to be okay.” He said.
“Thanks.” I replied. “Could you wait here a moment?” I asked. “I have something for you.”
I ran to the car and grabbed the box from the trunk and handed it to him.
“Ben,” I said. “Your son wanted to give you this. It was his weapon. He told me it was to be your surprise gift. He was so proud to have taken it from the enemy.”
The big man gave me that familar smile. “I thank you from my heart. Now I know why my son had you for his friend.”
I saw tears in his eyes as he continued. ” Thanks for a-coming and bringing this to me. It means a lot to have you with us and I think it will do you some good too. Come let’s set a while.”
We sat there in the cool shade as he carefully unfolded the carton and removed the weapon. He smiled as he held the rifle. What struck me was that his son had that same smile and he held the rifle in the same fashion. I felt the war again, seeing my friend Sergeant Green as I stared at his father.
The big man moved closer, put his hand around my shoulder, and asked. “Please can ya tell some about you and my son? When did you join the Army? Lord knows I got me nothing but time.”
My mind flashed back over the parts of my past I would have most liked to forget. I sat there thinking what my first days in the Army were like and began telling him about our time of war.
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SandraLapthorn reviewed Version 5 -
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This is very well written and easy to follow (just the kind of story I like to read… lol. I think you have a nice story telling technique but I think you could expand this piece just slightly (a little more emototion maybe from family members, just a thought). Well done and best of luck with your writing
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NancyAllen reviewed Version 6 -
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I loved this part of your book. It would make a good beginning. The writing is good and your intentions are clear. I felt as if I was beginning to know the characters. You made me love Sgt. Green’s family.
Exnavy_76 reviewed Version 6 -
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You are a vary talented writer and writing in the first person proves my point. I enjoyed reading what you wrote, your style makes for easy reading. I do believe your writing skills is at the level that it could be published. I found no errors that would result in an instant rejection.
Cleveland reviewed Version 5 -
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Hi there,
the story, this portion reads well enough, but I feel you need to add that extra touch here and there.
Look at the first paragraph and think about what might make a compelling ‘hook’. Perhaps arriving at the graveside and seeing the faces of the mourners. Then the man speaks to the narrator(I’m not sure of the colour of his skin. I can imagine tension if he is white coming upon a private burial of a black man.Graveyards are spooky places and you need to reflect those fears.
The rest of the story goes along smoothly though I’m surprised he isn’t recognised immediately, say from old photograph.Soldiers often sent photographs home to their family and friends. There are also hints of tension but they don’t develop enough.
Booklady285 reviewed Version 5 -
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it was a good read. I haven’t read anything else of it, but I felt it was a good ending, just from what I saw. There were some gramamtical issues, but they can be easily fixed.
The cemetery was right where the preacher had said it would be. – delete the “had”, unnecessary.
I felt really nervous as I came over to them. – “as I approached them” might flow a little better.
“My boy Clarence, he wrote – comma between “boy” and “Clarence”
Please come and pray with us?” She asked. – The “She asked.” isn’t necessary since it’s part of a larger piece of dialogue. If you do keep it, make the “she” lower case.
Overall, I think you’ve done a good job. I wish you the best of luck with it.
Lunsford reviewed Version 6 -
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Reading this, I would like to read the book. It sounds like a very good story. It is certainly a popular subject content with the situation in the middle east. I saw no errors to speak of. I can offer you one suggestion how you can tighten the work a bit.
We sat there in the cool shade as he carefully unfolded the carton and removed the weapon. He smiled as he held the rifle. removed the weapon. He smiled as he held the rifle. ......We sat there in the cool shade as he carefully unfolded the carton, removed the rifle and held it with a smile…. It gives the work a much better flow.
Over all, good job. I wish you the best of luck.
October 21, 2007
Deleted User
Review of Version 2 -
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I can understand why this is one of your favorite parts.
You did a great job of capturing the moment, as well as the dialect.
I can picture this as the beginning of the story as well as the ending. It gives both closure and opens many questions for the reader.
It seems to be a pivotal point that gives you a starting reference as well as tying up some loose ends, which of course not having read the whole story, I couldn’t possibly tell you what those may be.
Question:
“Please come and pray with us?” She asked.”
Was the Mother really asking him to come and pray with them? Or was it more of a request, a statement if you will.
Overall I enjoyed reading this portion of the story. Good job.
Deanne reviewed Version 2 -
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I think after you go to all the trouble of saying “my name is Benjamin but my friends call me Ben ” that it is odd that your narrator then just keeps calling him the big man. He’s got a choice of two names for him and after all, you did go to the trouble to say both.
However that might be a characteristic of the narrator, to tell us all he hears in the exact words and then just go on being himself- here, a person who can’t remember names right after hearing them, perhaps, or who doesn’t pay too much attention to what people are telling him, or doesn’t care to give it any heed. Glad he says it to his face even if he can’t say it in his head (or writings).
I’m not sure who talks like “thanks for a’ comin” since maybe Lil Abner days. I’ve not heard it conversationally before. Maybe he’s saying “thanks for-uh-coming” and Rob misinterprets that. Where are they?
I see no typos and few errors in the English grammar.”She said as she moved closer” is not a complete sentence. .
It should be part of the previous one and seperated by a comma.
Good first sentence, last one, and ways of introducing dialogue, not always saying “he said”.
(.. as he continued. ” Thanks for a..”)
That last paragraph is a zinger! He is definitely putting others first. What a guy. I like this although most of it seemed so ordinary like I’ve read it all over. That I think is the result of the narrative voice- it just isn’t unique or fresh. Still, the ending canceled out the plain ordinariness of it very well. It certainly was no ordinary ending to a tale like this.
slayer4good reviewed Version 2 -
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I read through this quickly and wanted more. It is kind of slow, with no real action, however, I commend you for speaking in the first person: I’ve never achieved that level of mastery b/c I always end up switching back and forth! Anyway, good start even though a bit slow. I’m sure the other sequences have more action.
wulfenstraat reviewed Version 2 -
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Well, you’ve succeeded in getting your thoughts on paper, which is a good thing. Now, you’ve got a good working draft so that you can finish the story or refine the elements that don’t quite click.
A grave site is a place that gets our interest pretty quick. The father Doc speaks to has some sort of convoluted hick accent which doesn’t sound real, because there’s no economy of words that hicks would have developed as a distinct speech pattern, nor is there consistency in how the accent is used. For instance:
“We not be a-needin’ for you to be here.” Are you sure this is how these people speak because it doesn’t ring true. Later, he speaks in perfect English, saying, “I thank you from my heart. Now I know why my son had you for his friend.” Also, why doesn’t Clarence’s mom speak with an accent when she invites Doc to pray with them? Either incorporate the accent in all the dialogue or remove it.
A minor point really, but if I don’t tell you now, a dozen reviewers will point it out and cost you credits for the same awful thing. After somebody says something, it normally is punctuated this way: after all,” she said. Not: after all.” She said. You do this throughout, so I won’t show every instance and cost you tons of credits.
You’ve done pretty well so far, and I can see why it’s a favorite scene of yours. It’s very moving. I wouldn’t be surprised if you lived this yourself. Keep up the good work.
Were you a Nam vet? 52 seems a little young but I guess it’s possible
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