FADE IN
INT. MR.LIM’S BUEATY SUPPLIES – NIGHT
The only person in view in TALIA an Afro-West Indian girl with defiantly natural hair -and a lot of it- wearing a spaghetti strap tank top, she has a nervous and unsure look on her face. She is surrounded by hair care products that are scattered around. There is a counter behind her displaying various wigs and weaves.
TALIA
Mr. Lim, would you like to see my breasts?
Smash cut to the shocked but grateful look on Victor’s face. Victor is a middle aged Korean man, past his prime, in his better days he could have been a very handsome man but those years have been wasted.
Victor takes a deep breath and closes his eyes.
Match cut to a split screen one side shows Victor the other shows Talia both eyes closed. Their actions are speed up to show the lapse of time except when they are giving each other crucial glances.
Victor: It’s the morning he opens his eyes, he takes a shower. He’s miserable sad and lonely. He opens his store, and the entire morning and afternoon women of all kinds of shapes and hues come into the store they make purchases but never really interact with him on any grand level. His life is a monotonous depressing bore. The only time there is a little life to him is when Talia arrives to work. She arrives and smiles at him, he doesn’t return the smile but after a she turns away. He steals a few glances at her body as she assists customers. He then goes throughout the motions of closing the store before returning to his seat for a fag and a drink.
Talia: Its morning Talia is at class, she sleeping. An angry teacher berates her and she gets up and leaves class embarrassed. On the quad she doesn’t have anyone to wave too; she reaches in her bag and starts to pass out flyers. They read: Be the Revolution, The revolution is NOW. She looks at a group of girls with long cascading weaves in all colors, expensive name brand clothes and flash jewelry. They stare at her. She throws back her shoulders and holds her head high. The other girls look at her kinky hair with disdain. A tall strikingly handsome black man walks her way. He has a “free Mumia” tee on. She tries to give him the flyer. All his body language is dismissive of her. He eventually takes it. Then one of the weave girls bounces up with her blonde Beyonce hair and green eye contacts and glop the attractive revolutionary brother. They exchange some heavy PDA and in the midst of, Talia’s flyer ends up on the floor then on someone’s shoe bottom. She walks a few blocks from campus and she’s at the door she can see her boss’s miserable perch from outside. She walks in the doorway and smiles. She catches him looking at her and smiles to herself. During the workday she almost poses for Victor for her own amusement. She gives a woman buying relaxer a shameful look. As the sun sets she waves good by to her boss pretending to go out the back, but she puts a pack of Yaky 1b in the doorway and she double back and waits behind the wig counter. She waits.
Talia’s screen is wiped away by victor’s screen. Victor is sitting on his stool smoking and drinking some cheap soju. The camera becomes Victor POV and we see a small rustling of the weaves, one falls over. Talia appears; she takes a can of spray-paint from her messenger bag and climbs on top of the glass display. On top of the display are smiling relaxer ads. She puts neat “x”’s on some and across a few she writes, “TRY LOVING YOURSELF”
Victor is almost amused by her actions.
VICTOR
What the bloody hell do you think you’re doing?
Talia is shocked by his voice tries to turn to face him but finds herself on the floor.
Victor takes one last drag on his cigarette
VICTOR
You alright?
He walks to the end of the counter peers over at Talia holding her left leg. He gets the first aid kit he walks over to Talia.
VICTOR (V.O)
I hope she’s not going to try to get me for workers comp.
He kneels beside Talia and takes an alcohol swab, for the height of her fall she has very little damage, just a scratch that barely bleeding. He tends to her with alcohol and a band aid. Talia draws her legs into herself like a child about to be scolded.
VICTOR
So are you going to tell me why you are vandalizing my store?
TALIA
Shyly
The Revolution…?
VICTOR
Pardon?
The camera is Victor’s POV as he takes in the view of Talia’s body from his vantage point. Talia catches his eye and they look away from each other awkwardly.
TALIA
The Revolution, it’s like an idea that going to set people free.
VICTOR
You in some kinda cult?
She looks at him quizzically not sure if he is joking or not. She decides it’s a joke and laughs
VICTOR
Laugh all you want, your cleaning this shit up tomorrow.
TALIA
Thank you.
VICTOR
Well, if I called the police I’d have to clean it.
TALIA
No, Mr. Lim, it’s not a cult. Marcus Garvey once said that if you “Liberate the minds of men and ultimately you will liberate the bodies of men.”
VICTOR
And what exactly does Mr. Garvey have to do with hair extensions?
TALIA
Well it sounds like, mad absurd when you say it like that.
VICTOR
I don’t think there’s any other way to describe your anti hair revolution. Shouldn’t you be shooting cops and writing letters from prison. Not vandalizing ten year old perm ads. You know we don’t even sell that.
TALIA
We don’t…
VICTOR
Never did.
TALIA
Then why do you have those posters.
VICTOR
That was Ola Ray.
TALIA
Who?
VICTOR
Ola Ray- she did the monster clip with Michael
Jackson.
TALIA
You sure? I remember more Jeri Curl.
VICTOR
You remember that, were you even born when that came out? 1983?
TALIA
Nope missed it by three years.
VICTOR
God I’m old.
TALIA
You’re Not-
VICTOR
You never answered why your revolution had to happen in my store?
TALIA
Well, I guess more out of convince, I was hoping maybe tomorrow someone would see it and think.
VICTOR
About?
TALIA
That they’re okay the way they are.
VICTOR
So you deface Ola, for that?
TALIA
You’re making it sounds so stupid, I had good intentions.
VICTOR
Really?
TALIA
Yeah, it was my baby cousin’s birthday last month.
VICTOR
Yeah…
TALIA
She turned six, so I take her to the toy store and she says she wants a princess doll. I go to the doll and I pick up a pretty brown skin doll. She didn’t want it.
VICTOR
So… I’m not following.
TALIA
She told me the brown doll, it wasn’t a princess. I told her of course it was, it was wearing the same dress as the Blondie- but she was heart set against it, you know what she said?
VICTOR
What?
TALIA
She said Princesses don’t come in Black. Just turned seven – and already. She can’t be a princess. Seven more years and maybe she’s already convinced she’s not good enough to have some little boy hold the door for her, a few more years’ maybe she doesn’t think she’s good enough to have her body respected, then maybe she doesn’t know who the daddy of her kid is. Then in seven more years her daughter is taught the damn thing.
VICTOR
And this weave is going to do that?
TALIA
Well…yeah. You sell false sense of self.
VICTOR
I really don’t think hair is that much of a big deal.
TALIA
Do you think my hair is ugly?
VICTOR
No.
TALIA
… Really? You weren’t supposed to say that.
VICTOR
You’ve practice this haven’t you?
TALIA
Ashamed
Yeah. I did.
VICTOR
Assata you’re not, dear.
TALIA
No, but this is still civil disobedience.
VICTOR
I still don’t get it but-
TALIA
Mr. Lim you sell everything that tell us that were ugly. And if you could just burn the black off our heads or maybe bleach it out our skin that maybe- just maybe we’ll be good enough.
VICTOR
I sell women’s products to keep my lights on; I can assure I’m not the man- no where near. So “the man” doesn’t like your hair. Is that really something to start up over. I’ve lived on both sides of the Atlantic there are people all over with a lot more things to worry about than their bloody hair. Hair extensions or not there’s going to be girls that won’t wear a crown. I grew up a foreigner – Oriental. Means I would never be a famous footballer, I wasn’t going to see a man looking like me getting the girl. I was going to
VICTOR (cont)
Be a responsible and non threatening member of society and if that doesn’t work out I’ll open a liquor store, a laundry mat or a deli and become a fixture next to a cash register the rest of my fucking existence. Everyone’s screwed straight haired or not but- I guess you need your revolution.
TALIA
Thanks I guess.
Victor notices that Talia’s strap has slumped down her shoulder; he thoughtlessly fixes it for her. His hands linger a second more than they have to her on her skin. Talia looks him in the eye.
TALIA
Mr. Lim, would you like to see my breasts.
Victor takes a breath and blinks in shock.
VICTOR (V.O)
Do I need air? The sky blue? God bless the Feminists.
VICTOR
Pardon? I’m not going to call the polic-
Talia takes his old gruff hand in hers and places it on her on of her breasts.
TALIA
I know.
VICTOR
You’re a strange one.
TALIA
Not so strange at all.
VICTOR (V.O.)
This smells like a rape charge mate.
VICTOR
What in the hell would YOU want with ME?
Taking his hand away from her body.
TALIA
Well don’t you want me?
VICTOR
Well, that obviously not the point here.
TALIA
The way you look at me-
VICTOR
I’m sure every bloody man on your campus looks at you the way I do.
TALIA
I couldn’t quit place it before- but the look you give me. I know it. I’ve felt it.
Talia embraces him. Victor winces with guilt. Talia closes her eyes and preps her lips for a kiss.
VICTOR (V.O)
Its fire and brimstone for me. Fire and fucking brimstone.
He bends down and their lips touch.
VICTOR (V.O)
Oh this is just stupid. Its like Babariman Time and tar baby New Year. Shouldn’t have though that. Is she going to –
TALIA
I’ve likes you…for a while, Mr. Lim
VICTOR
Victor, call me Victor.
TALIA
Victor? I thought it was –
VICTOR
I thought it was –
VICTOR
I prefer Victor.
TALIA
Okay Victor.
The two embrace again Victor is visibly having a moral battle. Higher brain versus lower and Talia is delivering low blows. He gives in. Opportunity is allowing him to knock on her vaginal walls and he’s not going to miss it.
VICTOR
Are you sure?
Talia not sure of the question being asked, nods.
Victor slides her shoulder straps down. She’s unsure but trusting. No longer cautious he moves his hands liberally about her form. Talia concentrates more on covering herself with her hands that anything Victor is doing to her. Victor is more youthful in his movement than at any other time. Talia is trying to cover herself more and more.
VICTOR
Almost cooing.
You’re beautiful, the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
He strokes her face, she smiles.
TALIA
Will this hurt?
VICTOR
Almost before she finished her sentence.
No- won’t hurt.
Yielding to Victor she is eventual almost all nude. They engage each other; there is nothing romantic about it. The time for cooing and complements is over. The camera once again takes Victor’s from the floor he can see the bottom of the full length Mirror. Talia’s face can’t be seen, but her almost pathetic whelps of discomfort can be heard. Victor looks at himself as if he’s seeing and image of himself for the first time in years. There’s a dodgy smile across his face. He looks down at Talia, obviously not enjoying the experience as much as he.
VICTOR (V.O)
Finally feel like a man?
He looks at the mirror, the camera stays there.
VICTOR (V.O)
Lim Sung Ock is a man, was always a man.
He looks away from the mirror and back at Talia, the tears have smeared her mascara.
VICTOR (V.O)
Are you a man?
TALIA
Victor… stop
He looks at the mirror again, he’s a sweaty mess, but he is still pleased with the image.
VICTOR
I’m a fucking man.
Talia at this point is trying to push him off, his face is red, disgusting. The colors begin to saturate, Victor looks down at Talia again, and she has seemed to forget her own pain and is look at him in shock and horror. That wonderful feeling he assumed was impending climax has not crept up his spine, but his left arm. He’s breathing short. There’s a flooding of light, getting fuzzier and fuzzier. He’s still focusing on Talia remorsefully . Tears are sliding down her face.
VICTOR (V.O)
So sorry to disappoint.
FADE OUT
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I read the original story to get some more background on this script. As a Caribbean girl, I can identify with what the message of this story is, at least what Talia is preaching about and the Mumia references. I liked the basic story you have here and the complex characters you used.
My main criticism would be with the screenwriting format. Not necessarily the actual rule and spacing and such, although that would be very helpful if you wanna get this produced, but the different approach you have to take to make this story into a script. Most of it has to do with visuals and showing versus internal dialogues and internal feelings. In a script you only write what the audience will be seeing. They will see an “unsure look” on a face or breasts or a sly grin, and they will infer what they will from those shots. They will not see, however “Higher brain versus lower and Talia is delivering low blows. He gives in. Opportunity is allowing him to knock on her vaginal walls and he’s not going to miss it.” To a script reader, lines like this are just wasted words. Page numbers are very important, even to an indie film producer, because scripts are long enough to read without the narratology writers use in prose. The scene where Victor is waking up, that block of text is too dense. Scripts need to have “white space” so the read is easier on the eyes. Anything extraneous or dense makes someone want to quit reading and you NEVER want that.
That said, your opening scene and line is perfect, since it hooks the reader. I love the neo-political message you have here, as these issues seem to be those only seen by people--women mainly--who are black. A film highlighting things like this would be a great way to reach the masses. I think the dialogue you use to get these points across, however, is too long without any action in between. In a movie characters need to be doing something while talking. The audience needs to see visuals besides two characters talking for more than a minute to stay interested.
You also don’t need “Cut to” a reaction shot. Cut to’s are only saved for when you change scenes, that is a change in location, or a drastic shift in time. This seems to be more or less two or three scenes, with the episode in the beauty salon as all one scene. A new line delineates a new SHOT however, like a shot of a face. So it would be:
TALIA
Mr. Lim, would you like to see my breasts?
Victor’s shocked but grateful face. Victor, 40 and Korean, blahblah.
Middle aged is a long phrase that can be summed up by a specific two digit age. If he’s forty he’s obviously past his prime. You can say that he looks tired and weathered instead of his handsome days have been wasted. The audience would not know that by looking at him.
Anyway, I think this as well as the short story have loads of potential, and I LOVE to see Caribbeans as subject matter, as well as any other less then mainstream culture. Thanks for sharing this! (By the way, sorry if this is really long and irritating, I’m just a screenwriter, so I feel obligated to point stuff out.)
T
You may need to go back this paper again. There were several spelling and grammatical errors, but you can easily fix that by re-reading it.
I may ahve misread the screenplay, or not recall a moment, but I became so confused at the end. Did Victor startto have a stroke or start to die? I became very confused actually! I’m interested to know what was happening, so message me back about that.
the screenplay was interesting. You did manage to make a lengthloy conversation with the two, but i found it very fast and awkward how she would come in preaching revolution and suddenly get down and dirty with the guy!!! lol. I guess make that time between their meeting and the whole sex thing longer. The curse words also bothered me, but I understand that’s his “character.” You could change it if you wanted – I would change it just so that his character could appeal to more people. His voice overs were nice because they added a comical relief between the script, so good job picking that out!
So, like I said, go back and correct all the gramatical and misspellings, and also add to it! Make it more complete!
I like the message Talia is trying to spread; be yourself. I didn’t feel the connection between Talia and Victor while reading. In the end, she came across as weak and pitiful and Victor came across as a dirty-old-man. I’m not sure if this was your intention when you wrote the screenplay. A little more dialogue between them towards the beginning could strengthen the connection between the characters before their rendezvous.
Ok, you’re going to hear this alot but here goes…First, double check your spelling mate…not only people speaking but in your descriptions…you’re missing whole words in some places. More importantly though, NEVER use camera direction words. Smash cut/ cut to/ disolve to/ P.O.V./ stay away from any of that. ALways use the word WE instead of any TECK speak. “WE swing around” “He looks away but WE stay in the mirror”. Stuff like that. It’s good to know phrases like Smash Cut, but in SPEC scripts, you never address the camera or line up shots. Thats a SHOOTING script and that’s what the director does. Hope this helps.
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