I’m really striving to improve my use of imagery so your review tells me I’m headed in the right direction. Thanks so much for taking the time!
Poetry / Irony as a Foster Mother's Child
Smeared coffee-rings stained the outside of the manila folders that arrived an hour or two before the state of Idaho placed its freckled and unfortunate in my mother’s house. They’d come with one half-empty box of the broken things they were allowed to remember—a hand-painted porcelain piggy bank with the coin slot chipped into a belly gorge, a naked blonde Barbie with no arms and a buzz-cut, a pasted four-leaf clover. The kind of luck they needed couldn’t be crafted with a glue stick. Still, those little white kids wore their bruises like plastic-gold dollar store sheriff’s badges that gave them authority over any anguish in my mother’s house. It was hard to complain when my temporary siblings had court documents falling out of a folder in the living room that proved that catching C.J. staring at me in Earth Science was insignificant in comparison. Even if C.J. had shaken himself out of a daydream and sparked the off-topic class conversation that ended with his proclamation that his family would never approve of him bringing home a black girl. The cold ivory iron hearts of my daybed chilled my scalp where my auburn-streaked curls parted as I laid mum, more giddy than I was ashamed, replaying the moment in fifth period when I came the closest I had ever been to being liked by a boy.
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mscloudpetals reviewed Version 4 -
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Finially found something worth reading in my review list.”They wore thier bruises like plastic gold dollar store sherrif badges is my favorite line.I think that this is beautifully written.
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DragonBlue reviewed Version 4 -
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I have ranked this high in poetry as you give excellent visuals and I can feel the unbelievable overwhelming feeling of the foster kids you described as I was there too. You did an excellent job of transporting back in time. Thank you and write on!
Blessed Be~
)O(
DragonBlue
Reveleson reviewed Version 4 -
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I liked this piece. It had a lot of depth to it. There were mixed emotions; sadness, proud, fear, excitement/love….I was left wanting more though. I know that there has to be more.
I especially liked the line, ’ It was hard to complain when my temporary siblings had court documents falling out of a folder in the living room;’
It gives a sense of importance to life and puts things in a very different perspective. Good luck with the grad school application.
catmaclaine reviewed Version 4 -
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This is a powerful piece, chock full of concrete imagery, which makes it really effective. I loved “freckled unfortunate”. It brought such a strong visual to mind that it nearly made me cry. I was in foster care, so I have a special kind of bias here. I feel truth in the piece.
Good luck with your MFA. :)
mfrost reviewed Version 3 -
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This is a very well written prose poem. Your command of images to forward the storyline is excellent. There seems, though, to be an object missing after “unfortunate.” Rather than add a noun there, however, I think it would read well by dropping the “and” to make “unfortunate” a noun.
Have you considered breaking this into verse form or expanding it into flash fiction? It has the potential for either. And you have the talent for both.
Tiddleyboom reviewed Version 3 -
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A beautiful and tragic snapshot of real life. I found your descriptions pulled me into your world, if only for a moment. My favorite line was ’...freckled and unfortunate…’
Thanks for sharing- Tiddley
Aquilla reviewed Version 2 -
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I had to read this 4 times to get “I think” the meaning of it. There where so many elements and plots, if you where to say, that the “meaning” of this poem was completely lost to me.
You have great imagery and cadance in your writing. Just pick 1 subject for the piece and go for it. I promise it will be amazing!
originofshowbiz reviewed Version 1 -
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I really liked this even though I don’t normally enjoy prose poems, and I definitely think you should include this in your college portfolio. I particularly liked the line ’ pasted four-leaf clover. The kind of luck they needed couldn’t be crafted with a glue stick’ because you create the image very well and it’s something that many people can probably relate to doing as a kid!
Excellent imagery and well written – good luck with your portfolio! =}
DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
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The sentence beginning with “It was hard to complain . . .” runs on and is too convoluted even for poetry. “that proved that the fact that” is where the readers stops and counts “thats” instead of listening to your voice. If you are trying to comment on a racial issue, your imagery should be more “colorful”. I see this at the end of the piece but miss it at the beginning.
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