Humor/Satire / How I Lost My Virginity!
Read a sad story of my life below—a story where I lost my virginity!
*
I, along with all the others, regret going thru the training at the Military Academy (BMA). The underlying reason behind my hatred of my two years at BMA is but little known to the world outside. I kept the knowledge inside of me for far too long and now it has grown to a monstrous proportion and is threatening to come out of my memory. So, I stroke a truce with my soul and decided to let you know of the ordeal that made me despise the two years of my youth.
The initial days of training brought me nothing but loss.
By the First day—I lost 90% of the beautiful wave-like hair over my head.
By the Second day—I lost 50% of my moustache that I grew and nurtured with shampoo, cologne and my youthful heart. A demonic senior had me cut half of it and I remained half moustache-less running around the precinct of the Academy like a clown.
By the First week—I lost all my ego and self-respect and learned how to strip (in less than five seconds) in front of a crowd to my undergarments.
By the First month—I lost 30% of body weight.
And last but not the least….
By the Second month—I lost my virginity! (Oral virginity to be exact! On screen! With a heroin! With a 10-ton elephant-look-alike heroine)
Why it happened, I donno. But it happened. Happened to me—the then 18 year old vibrant lovelorn kid who fancied planting his first kiss on the lips of the most beautiful Hollywood heroin. I fantasized how it would feel, I made up small sultry scenes on my mind of the two-second elopement with a blonde from the west, I dreamt of melting in her arms like a chocolate bar put inside a microwave oven. I even tried to kiss my upper arm as practice was thought to make man perfect (in the art of kissing!).
And my dream came true indeed—in the most unlikely place on earth, with the most unlikely woman alive and with the least bit of sensuality.
It was the evening before one weekend. Our platoon was forced to go the Academy movie theater to watch a Bengali Movie. I breathed a sigh of relief. I would make up my lost sleep of the last grueling week in the theater, I planned. Ah my foolish naïve thoughts!
As soon as we were seated, the show began. The usual Bengali movie—80 year old heroes trying to win the heart of 20 year old voluptuous big-bosomed damsel with at least ten liters of makeup over her face (and other exposed areas of her fat-dangling body). We were seated at the front row with our no-nonsense seniors occupying the rear seats.
Suddenly, someone yelled my name from the back. “Shabbir, you moron! Where the hell are you?”
I sprang from my seat and screamed to my loudest, “Sir, I am Cadet Shabbir, sitting at Row 2, Seat 20, Sir!” We even had to memorize the number of our seat!
“Run!” The senior ordered me from the back.
I began running towards him.
Senior: No! Not here, you damn birdbrain! Go and get up on stage. Right before the screen.
Why on earth I should go right in front of screen, I asked myself. But before a plausible answer surfaced on my mind, I was yelled at again.
Senior: You Fwit. Quick!
I ran up the small flight of stairs and stood right in the middle of the stage—in front of that massive movie screen. There was a dance sequence showing at the moment and I stood like a liliput against those hundred-feet tall busty women folks who were gyrating their hips and trying to seduce the hero in the rain. The projector was throwing light blinding my eyesight—red, blue and green and I was all wet from my head to toe, not from the onscreen rain but from unknown fear devouring the last remnant of my sanity.
Senior: Turn about!
I turned towards the movie scene. I was so miniaturized against the bigness of the screen that even the raindrops were bigger than my head.
Senior: You freak! Have you ever kissed a girl before?
Me: No Sir, No Sir! I am innocent!
Senior: WHAT? What your non-kissing has gotta do with innocence, you mullah!
Me: Sorry sir!
Senior: What the hell you are waiting for? Damn you, kiss the heroin on her lips!
What! He just ordered me to kiss those twenty-feet by ten-feet wide lips on the screen? How on earth was that possible? And given that the dance movement was getting more energized with time how could I get a lip fixed long enough on the screen to put my own lip on? How? My mind failed to come up with a viable solution.
Seniors: What the hell! Kiss kiss kiss!
Me: Sir, I donno how to kiss!
Seniors: You f*! Just brush your frigging lips over hers!
The sex-crazed seniors were shouting in unison from their seats and I was running from left to right to get a split-second chance to find a stationary lip to brush my lips on. I was blanketed with a scene of the sky a moment and then the feet of the dance troupe the next. I ran frantically and tried to grab the screen as if that would freeze the scene for a moment. At the back, all the audiences were enjoying this freak show at my expense and I was dying to be done with kissing at least one of those monstrous lips.
Senior: Halt! Close your frigging eyes and kiss the screen on a count of five.
I stopped running instantly. Hyperventilating, I brought my lips closer to the screen for the kiss, waiting the countdown from the back to end.
Five, four, three, two, one, GO!!!!!
I slowly pushed my quivering virgin lips close to that dirty semi-white, stinking screen and with that the whole cinema hall burst into raucous laughter.
I opened my eyes and discovered that the spot where I had put my lips on was occupied by nothing other than the big-butt of the heroin! Man! I looked like a small bug against her voluptuous behind as if trying to bite and suck some blood off that 10-ton piece of fat! My first kiss—not with any Hollywood blonde, not any Hindi movie babe but the butt of the fattest Bengali movie actress! My fantasy vaporized in a sudden sense of sensual nightmare and to top that fiasco—my lips were blackened by the accumulated shoot of the dirty screen.
The men were shouting from the back….
Wow! You damn great kisser!
Hey baby, how does that feel?
Man! You just nailed that cute butt!
For the next few days—I was summoned by almost all the seniors to describe how sensual I felt butt-kissing the voluptuous she-monster. I remained silent and my seniors fell laughing on the floor.
But how I wished that were the end of my story!
Seven years later, I got married. Somebody told Labony (my wife) the whole episode, painted with as much sensual and gory color as was possible.
Labony: You said you never had an affair. You liar!
Me: What? I said I didn’t.
Labony: You said you never have kissed a woman before. You pervert!
Me: What? I didn’t, I told you.
Labony: You damn it! You kissed a girl—you kissed a damn Bengali movie heroin!
Me: What? I swear I didn’t.
Labony: You liar, pathetic liar. You fooled me, you deceived me! How could you? Your friends told me. They would never lie. How could you? How?
At this she broke into hysterical wailing.
Even 14 years into marriage, she still clings to the idea that she is NOT the first woman I kissed in life.
I have had enough in this world. All my sins have been recompensed. Now I wait to go straight to heaven.
Shabbir “the-onscreen-heroinbutt-kisser” Ahsan!
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I thought this too cruel. You have this in a Humor/Satire catagory and I don’t think it belongs there. I think maybe if you put it in another catagory it would work better. I don’t find any humor in this at all. It’s mean and sad. The end with the wife made no sense to me what so ever. I would like to see the ending changed. Maybe you becoming hardened because of your experience, and a woman falls in love with you because she see’s vunerablilty in you, and you fight to stay away from her and keep her at arms length, I really like your writing, but I don’t like the catagory, make this a love story instead and I think it would be great, with the right ending.
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I don’t think that the first paragraph is necessary. It’s too long of a set up for a story that can easily show everyone what’s happening without you saying so much. In stories you really want to show not tell and a majority of this story tells. You also give too much set up. You mention losing your virginity too many times, and might want to say your frist kiss rather than your virginity. The oral virginity comment doesn’t make it sound any better, it makes it sound like something else.
You should also go through and fix the structure. There are parts were the paragraphs are indented, when they shouldn’t me. It would be best to either choose left alignment or indenting every new paragraph.
Polish it and it will be a great story.
This is really funny the fact your old lady still thinks she isn’t the first one you kissed even though you only kissed a blank screen with a picture on it was hillarious as a avid reader i found this to be excessively short however i did like how you closed your piece
This is a ferociously delightful read!
The humor turns up so unexpectedly, and in such a hilarious way that your audience will be transported from the almost endearing big screen movie playing out the events of a young boy’s early experiences with military life in their heads to the image of a lone comedian doing stand-up on a stage in front of rows of people telling his diatribe and having everyone laugh themselves silly.
It is well written, and the dialogues are particularly entertaining.
Gripping is too strong a word to describe a story that brings on such humor in its completion, engaging will perhaps suffice.
I really liked the atmosphere of sincerity and vunerabilty that drew me in from the start, and ‘How I Lost My Virginity’ couldn’t have been a better, and indeed less exploitive of your audience’s sympathies [we instinctively march in to show support], title.
Well done! Completely entertaining.
this is a really cute anecdote. i can’t believe the seniors actually made you do that! the only criticism i have is that the dialogue isn’t well structured. you go back and forth between what you say and what someone else says a lot, but never describe how it is said, and i think this could add humor to the piece. i like the part about your wife teasing you about your first kiss, but, again, i’d like for the dialogue to be set up in a more traditional way.
This is the second piece I’ve read from you, and I have to say, once again I’m lost like a babe in the woods.
So virginity means different things in different cultures, I can live with that concept.
But this story had no impact on me whatsoever…ok, I liked the opening bits, where you take us on a temporal trip from your first days at the academy, but the piece lost all cohesion after that and I just couldn’t follow along. The text forced me to skim.
Please review the work and maybe give it a more natural ending, with an act that leads us to believe it is, in fact, an ending.
Thanks for sharing.
Work well and often.
wow! was this a true story? if it is then i fear joining the military! :)overall i enjoyed this peice. there are many grammatical errors to be corrected though. i liked the detail in the scenes you wrote. the way you described the fear, embarassment, and frustration of the main character made me feel it aswell. so good job overall!
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