I can see your point and when giving advice i usually say the same…to a point. As an actor you have probably reviewed the shooting drafts where the director has taken out any of that he did not like. A screenplay has to stand on dialog and action.
The catch 22 on that, is that screenplays are rarely put directly into the directors hands and usually goes through a multitude of reviewers and assistants before being even considered. So you really need to draw the reader in seeing as these people usually review hundreds of screenplays a day and it’s their opinion that counts first.
It’s a very fine line and while I’ll tell anyone “never, ever put and camera direction in a screenplay” a little extra character description will go a long way. Like the coke bottle glasses. If a characters nerdy or scholarly, you can’t always establish that right away through dialog but you want the reader to have the clear view of the character before they open their mouth.
I’ve noticed it’s one of things thats more an art than a science and it’s something I work on constantly.
Screenplay / Black Death
FADE IN:
EXT. IRAQ DESERT—DAY
The blazing sun beats down on an archaeological dig. People
are scattered about digging at various points amid ruined
buildings. Half a dozen large tents are set up at the edge
of the site.
INT. TENT
Tables are set up and a covered with artifacts of various
size. At one table is DR. EDWARD VALE, a forty year old
with a receding hairline and glasses that could double as
the bottom of coke bottles, and his assistant DR. KATE
BARNS. Kate is twenty-seven, tall, and beautiful. Dr. Vale
is busy examining a small piece of pottery.
DR. VALE
Fascinating. Kate. Take a look at
this.
KATE
What is it Dr. Vale?
DR. VALE
It appears to be a medicine jar.
KATE
So we’re on the right track.
DR. VALE
It would appear so.
They walk away from the table.
EXT. TENT
Vale and Kate walk out of the tent. Vale takes off his
glasses and cleans them with a handkerchief.
DR. VALE
I’m gonna need to you to make a
report to the investors, in person.
KATE
Why?
DR. VALE
Keep them interested in the dig.
We need money and they have short
attention spans. It’s an
unfortunate, but essential part of
the job.
A worker comes running up and starts talking excitedly in
Arabic. Dr. Vale replies in Arabic and all three run off.
EXT. BURIAL CHAMBER
A group of workers is crowded around a small set of stairs
going down into the earth. They clear a path as Dr. Vale
and Kate come jogging up.
Dr. Vale looks at Kate then pulls out a flash light and
walks slowly down the stairs.
INT. BURIAL CHAMBER
Beams of light from Dr. Vale and Kate’s flashlights pierce
the darkness of the chamber. All around are bodies, mostly
skeletons, some with dried up patches of skin still clinging
to the yellowed bones. The bodies are stacked one on top of
another in rows along the walls.
DR. VALE
Oh my.
KATE
What is this place?
They walk further in a come to the back of the chamber
where large sealed jars are lined up against the wall. Dr.
Vale leans over and inspects writing on the jars.
DR. VALE
Some sort of mass grave.
KATE
They were just dumped here. No
ceremony or burial rites.
DR. VALE
Yes. Look at these jars.
Kate leans in close and carefully brushes dust off one of
the jars. Ancients symbols and crudely scratched into it.
KATE
Containers for evil? What do you
think they put in them?
DR. VALE
Something they really wanted to be
rid of.
EXT. BURIAL CHAMBER
Dr. Vale and Kate climb out of the chamber and dust
themselves off.
DR. VALE
This is very interesting. Make
sure to mention this to the
investors. It should be good enough
to keep them interested for a bit
longer.
EXT. TENT—NIGHT
Portable lights have been set up illuminating the dig.
Workers walk by with various digging equipment on their
backs. Kate is standing next to a jeep with Dr. Vale. She
is loading a small revolver as she talks to him.
DR. VALE
Do you really think you’ll need
that?
KATE
With everything going on, yes I do.
I interned on a dig in Cairo where I
needed one and didn’t have it.
DR. VALE
I guess it’s a different world.
Anyways I sent out a message with a
small update, so all you have to do
is fill in the details.
Kate jumps on the passenger side of the jeep. The driver
starts up the jeep. Far off in the distance a string of car
headlights is approaching. Kate gestures to them.
KATE
(to Dr. Vale)
We expecting company?
DR. VALE
Not that I know of, probably just
an army patrol. Stop worrying and
get out of here.
INT. F.B.I. HEADQUARTERS, LOBBY—DAY
People in suits walk in and out of security checkpoints.
Everyone wears a badge which they swipe at various points.
One man stands out as he goes through a check point.
He’s wearing a Hawaiian shirt and cargo pants. Ear plugs
from an Mp3 player trail from his ears to the shirt pocket.
He swipes his card at a check point and keeps going.
INT. F.B.I. HEADQUARTERS, CYBER ACTION TEAMS OFFICE
Rows of cubicles dominate most of the floor with offices
lining the walls. The guy in the Hawaiian shirt stops at a
cubicle. The name tag on the cubicle read TYLER REYNOLDS.
Tyler sits down at his desk. The cubicle walls are lined
with DILBERT comics.
Tyler starts to work and the four monitors on the desk come
to life. The phone on the desk rings and Tyler hits the
speaker button. A SECRETARY’s voice comes from the phone.
SECRETARY
(from speaker)
He wants to see you Tyler.
TYLER
What’d I do?
SECRETARY
(from speaker)
Knowing you, it can’t be good.
INT. OFFICE, DIRECTOR OF OPERATIONS C.A.T.
Agent LENDEL sits behind his desk reviewing files. The
office is professionally decorated and has very few personal
touches. Tyler walks in and sits down across from Lendel.
LENDEL
Agent Reynolds. The Federal Bureau
of Investigations does not have a
Hawaiian shirt day that I’m aware
of.
TYLER
Really? But it brings out my eyes.
LENDEL
I’m not laughing.
TYLER
You rarely do.
LENDEL
I’m not going to have this
conversation again.
TYLER
The one about the birds and the
bee’s?
LENDEL
No. The one where I tell you that
the only reason you still have a job
is because of your excellent work.
I understand the need for people of
your skills and how allowances are
made for your idiocy. If it were up
to me you’d be in a cellar right now
on the receiving end of a bucket of
water. As it were I’m stuck with
you and i’ll do what is necessary.
Speaking of which.
Lendel slides a file folder across the desk and Tyler grabs
it and opens it.
TYLER
Hard copy. I didn’t even know we
used paper anymore.
(flips through it)
The Paris hit?
LENDEL
Yes. The information you gathered
has led our teams to a good lead on
the source. In the new spirit of
cooperation with the CIA we are
sending you to Paris to assist in
the follow up.
Tyler closes the file and slides it back to Lendel.
TYLER
I’m not a field operator.
Lendel slides the file back.
LENDEL
Despite the uniqueness of your
recruitment, you went through the
academy just like everyone else.
You are to provide technical support
should they ask. Your plane leaves
at three.
Tyler sighs as he picks the file back up.
TYLER
Do I have to take my gun? ...cause
I can’t remember where I put it.
LENDEL
Get out.
TYLER
What about ammo? Do I have to buy
my own?
LENDEL
OUT!
Tyler grabs the file and rushes out of the office. Lendel
takes a deep breath. Tyler pokes his head back in the
office.
TYLER
Did I leave my badge in here?
Tyler ducks back out just in time to avoid a stack of file
folders that are hurled at the door.
EXT. IRAQ DESERT—NIGHT
The tents from the archeological site are in flames. Men
with Ak-47’s slung across their backs are carrying bodies
and tossing them in a pile.
At the edge of the site is a tall older man in his late
thirties. He is calmly smoking a cigarette as he watches
the men stack bodies. A twenty year old MERCENARY with a
European accent jogs up.
MERCENARY
Mr. Marcus. We cannot find the
woman.
MR. MARCUS flicks his cigarette into the sand and looks at
the mercenary.
MR. MARCUS
Send a message to Paris and tell
them to wait at the warehouse. When
she shows up kill her.
EXT. PARIS AIRPORT—DAY
Tyler is walking to the curb with his bags. People are
rushing about getting taxi’s. A French voice is making
announcements over a speaker system. Tyler plucks his
earphones out and checks his watch.
A man appears behind Tyler and taps him on the shoulder.
Tyler turns. The man looks like a slightly overweight
tourist in his mid-thirties. His name is TED and he’s
smiling.
TED
Mr. Reynolds. Ted Collins, I’m
here to give you a lift.
TYLER
Hi Ted…
(cocks an eyebrow)
If that’s your real name.
TED
It’s not. Lets go.
INT. CAR
Tyler and Ted are talking as the Paris streets whiz by
outside the newer sedan.
TED
So. We’re pretty much set to
begin. We need you in case they
have some safe guards.
TYLER
Safe guards?
TED
Yeah. We raided an apartment in
Berlin last month, where the
computers had a program that would
run through and wipe the hard drive
before triggering a small block of
C-4 built into the computer.
TYLER
And you think these are the same
guys?
TED
Might be. We deal in whispers and
vague connections. Lately things
are becoming louder and clearer.
Very exciting.
TYLER
Which means?
Ted looks over at him and smiles.
TYLER
I don’t like you.
INT. APARTMENT—DAY
A group of men are gather in a large living room. The men
are all dressed like ted except everyone is wearing
bulletproof vests and checking handguns. Folding chairs,
t.v.’s, and computers dominate the room. Tyler is sitting
in a chair as Ted talks to the group.
TED
We have three men in an isolated
area.
Behind Ted on the wall is a diagram of an apartment.
TED
Taking them down quick is
essential. None of them can get
near any computers or lap tops in
the apartment. One is out right
now, when he gets back we move.
I’ll take lead and Tyler will come
in last…
TYLER
Wait a minute. What?
TED
Your coming in last.
TYLER
After the scene is secured right?
TED
Fraid not. We need you to disable
any safeguards A.S.A.P. Is that a
problem.
TYLER
Well besides the fact that you guys
look like insurance salesmen. I’m
not a field operator. I’m a tech.
A MAN sitting at a group of t.v.’s turns to the group.
MAN
He’s back.
TED
Good lets go.
Ted pats Tyler on the shoulder as he walks past.
TYLER
Now look here spooky. I’m not
going. Inter-department cooperation
be damned.
Ted continues to walk out.
TYLER
Yeah…So it’s settled.
INT. HALLWAY
Tyler is at the end of a line of men outside a door. He’s
wearing a vest and has a handgun. Beside him is a man in
his forties with an overly large mustache, khaki shorts,
flowered shirt, vest, and HK assault rifle. The man smiles
at Tyler then reaches over and switches off the safety on
Tyler’s gun.
TYLER
I hate the C.I.A.
INT. APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM
The apartment is well furnished and immaculately clean.
Two men are in the living room huddled around a laptop.
INT. APARTMENT, KITCHEN
The kitchen table is covered with various types of guns in
different stages of assembly. A man stands over them with a
gun barrel and pipe cleaner. He is cleaning out the barrel.
INT. APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM
The men look up as a man appears outside the window. He
smiles as he slaps something on the window and disappears.
The two men start to get up as the windows explode inward.
INT. APARTMENT, ENTRY HALL
The front door bursts in as Ted and his team rush in.
INT. APARTMENT, KITCHEN
The man at the table is hurriedly putting together a hand
gun. He finishes and raises the weapon just as one of Ted’s
team walks calmly in and shoots him in the head.
INT. APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM
The two men, dazed, struggle to their feet. One pulls a
gun out of a waist holster while the other jumps to the
laptop. Ted charges in and shoots the man with the gun then
the man at the computer.
TED
Clear!
The other men of the team shot clear as they run through
the apartment. Tyler hurry’s to the laptop.
COMPUTER SCREEN: DELETING ALL FILES!
TYLER
Oh fuck me.
He starts to type quickly. Several windows on screen open
then close and a couple error messages pop up.
TYLER
How big was the explosion on the
other laptop?
TED
Big.
Lists of files are scrolling across the screen. The group
of C.I.A. are crowded around the laptop.
COMPUTER SCREEN: DELETING FILES COMPLETE. 5…4…3…
The men are all holding their breath. The computer sits
there with stuck at three. They let out their breath.
TYLER
BOOM!
(the men jump)
Just kidding.
INT. PASSENGER VAN—DAY
Tyler and Ted are sitting in the back of a passenger van.
Streets and Paris citizens are passing by outside. Several
lap tops are set up as Tyler works.
TYLER
Most of the information was lost in
the deletion. I might be able to
get it back with more time.
TED
Sounds good.
TYLER
There is one thing that was missed.
Probably because it was just put on
here.
TED
What is it?
TYLER
A message. Says “the woman
escaped. Meet her at the
warehouse.” And there’s a picture.
TED
Ok. What woman escaped where.
TYLER
I’m not sure, but the message was
relayed so we need to find her
quick. I have some facial
recognition software on my lap top,
so I should be able to find out who
she is.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
This 193 word review has not been unlocked.
This 348 word review has not been unlocked.
very very nice. i liked it a lot, it was very different from anything i have ever read and i would love to read more of it when it comes out. its very well set up and the grammar is perfect. i’ve haven’t reviewed too many screenplays before and this is just wonderful! keep doing what you are doing and good luck!! p.s.soooo cool lol
- add/view comments (0)
This 466 word review has not been unlocked.
Having acted before, I can respect a good screen play when I see one. And I like this. It seems believable enough, and with proper actors it could do well.
My issue is, though.
You also seem to want to write a story at the same time.
You describe useless things: Coke-bottle glasses and all that?
An actor couldn’t really ever ‘fake’ that sort of thing, and is more inline with the props department .. I really think visual character-development is more along the lines of what the director does, not the script.
Though, then again, I’ve never done -professional- acting!
I think it’s great so far. I like the flow and I like your character Tyler. There are a few typos or errors here and there you will need to proof read but all in all it’s put together well. I’m interested in the time frame because Iraq at the moment is a complete mess… this may be added to your piece with perhaps a little more action with your dig’s security team getting into a fight with the “bad guys” ...
I’m not big on CIA type espionage stuff but this is really fun to read. I really can relate to Tyler with his flippant rebel attitude. I like the humor in between serious topics, it keeps it readable and not too serious or melodramatic. I did not however get the line: If it were up to me you’d be in a cellar right now on the receiving end of a bucket of water. Maybe you could say on the receiving end of a cavity search? LOL
Other than that it flows pretty well. I can picture all the scenes in my head without a lot of meaningless detail. I am intrigued enought to keep reading and that’s whats important. Right away you have government cover-up, ancient burial sites and hi-tech cyber terrorism. What more could an action junkie want? Good going!
Write on,
Mojo
Showing 1 - 7 of 7
Review item
Add to faves
GENERAL
REVIEW QUEUE
Ratings & Rankings
