Haiku/Senryu / Faith

Beauty. I adore how you describe darkness in this piece, how clearly you add words while still maintaining the haiku air to it. This is a difficult type to write, but I think you did fantastically ^^

very nice parable balancing fear n beuty on de scale of mystery.

evendo it dosnt belong to dis cat, H/S reviewers r much mo likely to appreciated dan in reg poem cat. thus 10

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December 16, 2007

by Sean_Allen

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
279	90.0% (20 votes)	28.4%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
21	M	Berkeley, CA	September 05

You’re right that it is neither a Haiku nor a Senryu, but it is a form of waka, so I thought it would have more in common with other poems in this category. Thanks for the review

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I understand you perfectly, and you’ve done a very good job at articulating yin and yang in how we ‘know’ death / the infinite unknown.  The title does a good bit of work itself in moving the whole thing forward.  Though I am not familiar with the technical requirements for traditional Sedoka, from a poet’s perspective it’s well structured and certainly a worthy subject.

I think the second part is much tighter than the first.  I have no issues with language in the second part.  But, for example, your adjectives to describe dark are ‘vast’ and ‘majestic’.  Set side by side ‘majestic’ clearly is more descriptive on its surface.  And it’s depth is greater as well, giving an active, positive spin on ‘dark’.  ’Vast’ on the other hand does not do the same.  It simply means ‘really big’ and does not lend as much negativity as I think you want/need in the first part.  Also, ‘fear’ and ‘foreboding’ create a redundancy that is absent in the second part.  ’Foreboding’ includes ‘fear.’

If you could tighten up the first part to exhibit the power and economy of language of the second, you’d have two tens from me instead of one.

Well done.

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December 16, 2007

by Sean_Allen

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
279	90.0% (20 votes)	28.4%

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21	M	Berkeley, CA	September 05

You’re right, I hadn’t really considered how loose the first is compared to the second… I mean I always felt that the end was strong, but now I realize that is because the beginning is comparatively weak. I’m going to have to give this one some space, but when I come back your review will be the first I think of.

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I admire this. The poem shows two contrasting sides to the dark and where faith plays, I think is when you can stand in the darkness and not fear it.
Nice poem, well done.

Those forboding depths
Always within our own hearts
Where vast darkness lies

The unknowable
Causes trembling in humans
Unthinkable fear

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November 19, 2007

by Sean_Allen

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
279	90.0% (20 votes)	28.4%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
21	M	Berkeley, CA	September 05

Fear, yes, but also fascination, I think.

December 16, 2007

by weepingclouds

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
208	36.4% (11 votes)	35.5%

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100	M	United States	December 18

hey hey

if i can get in on dis 1

nice return catku

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I like how you sort of gave two impressions of the same thing and showed that often times, it’s not what you look at, but how you look at it.  I especially enjoy the contrast between fear in the first stanza and majestic beauty in the second.  Furthermore, the way each stanza asks a question rather than making a statement allows the reader to decide about faith when in darkness.  Needless to say, I like it.

I gave highest marks on this. I connected with it immediately. I’ve never seen poetry in this form before, but I like its meter and flow.

Very little Sedoka shows up here on Urbis, or anywhere for that matter. This was quite good. Beautiful use of language, and of course, syllabic count. Imagery abounds. First rate.

Very cool. It’s amazing the more “types of haiku” I am exposed to on Urbis. I will have to research this Sedoka further. Yours is especially nice with the yin and yang of darkness.

I liked this..simple, but said a lot.