I figure that age group will prob be my target audience. Seven to twelve sounds pretty good I guess. Kids but not little kids.
Children's / Evergreen- The Dream Garden: Intro.
Evergreen
The Dream Garden
Intro
Of things to Come
The world was once a paradise. One of beauty and splendor as far as the eyes could see. It was a world where humanity and nature were one; magic was a definition of life. Creatures of legends and fairytales lived at peace with everyday mankind. All lived together in harmony; as a family. But as time passed, the ‘Great Family’ grew apart. Some members were forgotten, others were lost, but the worst was that humanity seemed to turn their back on all.
Then the world was divided, separated by a curtain. No longer a whole, it became the world we live in, and Evergreen; the dream garden-world of magic and miracles. Animals became servants and tools to simply make work easier. Plants and trees were an easy source for making homes and building towns. The spirits were saddened, the gods angered. Love and respect between people and the world around them faded. Life was now a matter of what was useful and what wasn’t. They forgot that they were apart of each other, and to forget your family, is to forget yourself.
The more time passed, the fewer people remembered what once was. But hope remained that a time would come when our broken home would heal, and everyone would realize that all we have is each other, without that we are lost.
This is the story, or journey rather, of a young girl. One who, in spite of hard times, for there are and always will be hard times, is able to reach deeper than ever before to find the voice she never knew she had.
In a period after most people stopped believing in magic, and when the gift of miracles had long been forgotten, there existed those very few places that still kept memories of times left behind. Fewer still were those, dare I say people, who kept the secrets of these enchanted places; those capable of crossing the curtain between our world and the world of miracles…
Have you ever wondered what a tree would say if it could speak? What does your dog or cat dream about when they sleep? If the stars had a voice, what would they tell us? What if magic still existed? I’m not speaking of magic in movies or storybooks, but real magic, the kind of magic that makes everything around us come to life. This is the magic that connects us all. This is the gift of Evergreen.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
Rowling reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
The intro reads well, for the most part, but with any story, you don’t want to flood the reader with so much information right off of the bat. In a nutshell, you sum up this entire existence that once was and bring the reader to the present, of what is. It’s too much too soon and will not hold the attention of the reader for long.
My first piece of advice would be to elongate the intro. Go into further detail about the world as it was, but in a lively way. Maybe introduce some characters that existed when the world was magical. Maybe those characters still exist and can be carried over into the now. You just have to give the child something to grasp onto right away, and the imagery of a magical world that no longer exists won’t suffice.
“Then the world was divided, separated by a curtain.” This is very abrupt, and provides no reason for this sudden change. What curtain? And why was it divided? You need specifics here.
“This is the story, or journey rather, of a young girl.” This is too conversational, as is “Fewer still were those, dare I say people”. You would speak that way, but a written story shouldn’t be told that way.
With a little polish, this intro is very promising and may be the start of a unique story. I hope this review is helpful to you. Best of luck.
- add/view comments (1)
slbynum3 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I couldn’t really find any mistakes in this story and the concept is certainly interesting. This story seems more for older children, maybe eight, nine or ten year-olds. If it’s intended for younger kids, it should be more simpler maybe. Kids like a lot of action and rhyming I think. I’m not sure though. My attempt at writing a children’s story isn’t going too well, so I congratulate you on getting this far.
sjvance reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Good. I think you should add more description of the world before, it is kind of just touched on, and I would like to get a better picture of the one that existed.
“magic was a definition of life.” I’m not sure this description makes sense.
Otherwise, this looks like a promising story. I want to know more about the girl, which I am sure would come with the next section. I am anxious to see how she works to bring the old world of harmony back.
Minor grammatical stuff, you’ll catch it when editing. Thanks for letting me read it! :)
Lirpastar reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Your overall writing style is very nice and soothing. Be cautious about using words that young children may not understand very well. There seems to be a “gap” between the first and second part of the introduction. In the first part, you are describing the world and how it was and how it changed. Then all of a sudden, you are asking the reader questions about nature and other specific topics without much of a transition. You need to find a way to bridge these two to make it flow better. It is a nice concept for a story. It reminds me of Pocahontas from Disney.
MARCH reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I think it’s a good start for a story. I liked how you made like the trees and animals alive. Like the things we just do to them now horrible. Like how cutting a tree is actually considered murder in the world of Evergreen, but to us just something normal. It’s going to be interesting how you write things when the two worlds start clashing again after such a long time.
sexysadie77 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I adore fantasy stories. I wonder where you are taking this piece. Fantasy books are really a phenomenon now since J.K. Rowling, and children are expecting more and more out of the fantasy genre. You have a wonderful and beautiful start here. I can’t wait happens. who is this little girl. I really dig that you are using a girl as well, in lue of a boy. After all, mother earth is a woman….right? Good job. Can’t wait to read more.
BookSailor reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
While the writing seemed good to me, you failed to capture my attention. You need something to pull me in in the first few paragraphs – or I’m likely to put the book down and move on. This seemed to me like an intro to a movie – just setting the world. Most good books, in my oppinion, let you discover he world as you go. You’ve got a good vision in your head- but I’d rather experience it than have you tell me about it.
-Matt
Kimmer reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
This is an interesting start. I would definitely like to read more. I am a little confused by the break in the middle where you inject the sentence of the young girl then go back to describing the miracles and such. I am not sure that is the appropiate place for that sentence. You might try starting with that and then describing the previous world. I am also a bit confused by ‘Evergreen’. At first I thought you meant the tree, then I thought maybe you meant a world that was ‘ever green’. You might think about clarification there. You seem to have started fairly well. I will look forward to updates.
DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
The style is OK. The idea that the world was once wonderful and magical but that we’ve forgotten it all is not new, so you need a twist. “Evergreen” is good; it’s the most intriguing part of this introduction. That said, I don’t understand the meaning of ” . . . it became the world we live in, and Evergreen”. Is the world we live in now “Evergreen”?
I think this story is more appropriate for older children.
Proofreading notes:
fairytales = fairy tales
harmony; as a family. (incorrect usage of the semicolon)
Evergreen; the dream garden-world of magic and miracles. (incorrect usage of the semicolon. What follows the semicolon must be a complete sentence.)
each other, without that we are lost. (perfect place for the semicolon)
places; those (see notes on the semicolon above)
Showing 1 - 10 of 16
Next →
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
16 Reviews 2 Comments
Version 1
Latest Activity: 7 months ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 59 Times
Skipped: 4 Times
Ratings & Rankings
