Poetry / Delusions and Pedestals

I try to avoid using “I” whenever possible and already considered “was” and “all” and chose otherwise. It has to do with rhythm and the overall mood. As for the word mountain, I agree but there was no way around it. In this case, mountain is as if to say “he” or “him”, ..in a sense.

The lines after “and found solace in this” are actually the whole point, what it means to me and what I was trying to say are summed up in it.

That’s the thing about poetry, if we feel what we are reading then we don’t give shit about such things, if we don’t then we do.

Thank you nonetheless for your ideas and your time. Hey, everybody wants a review so everybody’s a critic. Such is Urbis. ..heh

Not really about the experience of mountainclimbing or even about mountainclimbing at all. Perhaps any missing allegory is due to it being but a very personal realization, as told through the mountain.

Thank you kindly for your comment. I almost chose not to comment back because who does it serve to be on the defensive? In my defense, though, I wasn’t being defensive. hehe

I wondered about precisely that, actually, because it’s really not about what it seems (for me) and the problem, I realize, is that no one will likely know that. Even if they did, that line would probably still need to be expanded upon since it has very particular meaning for me. I just haven’t decided if I want to expand. Or maybe how is what eludes. I don’t know. ...But I did wonder ‘bout that.

For what it matters, since we’re mostly a massive group of un-related peers, expanding it probably wouldn’t do too much. It’s not like anyone here who’d actually judge you, if it was something worthy to be judged, actually knows you.

Go for it, let it out.

Do you mean awkward rhythmically? Because there was (of course) a specific reason/meaning for “How warm the sun…” and this was the only way I liked it rhythmically, though I admit slight discomfort with the word “upon”. Worried about (seeming) insincerity. (But I actually kinda “talk” like that, ya know, in emails and stuff.)

As for “For that the mountain…” it was previously just “That I see the mountain…” but I changed the preceding line thus the need to add “for.” (I think?) Wasn’t quite sure about that either. Thank you for your observations. (I’d be interested in knowing what you think is awkward.)

Interesting that the things I wasn’t sure about are commented on. Hence the value of this site!

(Don’t know, though, if in the end I’ll change anything, but am gonna take a look at it and am grateful for the comments!)

For me that first phrase has too many words.  ’How warm the sun when it would shine upon me’ could perhaps be ‘How warmly the sun shone upon me’.
‘For that I see the mountain’ could perhaps be ‘For if I see the mountain’.  That would be more natural and flow better for me.
I really like the concept of the poem and the ending, and go with your own instinct if it works for you.

Interesting too, your perspective. Or, like John Lennon said, “nothing can be known that isn’t known.” (...an old favorite, so I snagged this opportunity to use it!)

Such principles are always present with me so it would be true to say that of which you speak is somewhere among the layers, at the deepest perhaps.

Thanks for your insights.

Wow! In you, I feel a kindrid spirit. The two lines you quoted are the two lines that tore me apart to write. This was a very emotional experience for me, writing this. That reading it was for you, is invaluable.

And that you called yourself a “(wannabe)” writer! In parentheses, no less! Well, I never say of myself “writer” without (“wanna be”) preceding it, ...in parentheses!

Truly, I can’t express my gratitude for this review enough.

Now I’m crying again! :-)  You’re welcome and I want to tell you I don’t give out false praise.  I’m nice, but when I it’s not working for me, I say so and if I find technical errors (spelling, etc.), I point it out.  I could find nothing in this piece but bittersweet beauty.
This simply flooded me with emotion and that’s what good writing does.  It makes the reader feel.  You did that and did it brilliantly.
Yes, the “wannabe” thing is something I always say about myself, but you my friend are a writer.  Take your talent and run with it.  This site is a great outlet for feedback from other writers, but I’m not entirely certain how many publishers/editors actually visit the site, etc.  Send this out with a query letter yourself to magazines.  I know the “forum” section is good for advice on that sort of thing.  This should be published by a legitimate publisher.
I am curious as to the inspiration behind this, but I won’t pry or push you to share.  Part of the beauty of poetry is the subjectiveness of it.  A reader can relate it to their own life experiences and feel it is meant for them.  I said you’re welcome, but I want thank you for writing and sharing such a beautiful piece and thank you for your comment, especially the kindred spirit remark.  I’m honored.  -Peace  

I have so much to say to you I don’t even know where to begin. Perhaps I should take this to an email? But before I do, let me say once again for all the world to see (or, ya know, the six people looking) that you and I are kindrid spirits! I have a feeling you might sense what this is about for me as I sense it may be similar for you. So I would be happy to share with you that (and more) in an email rather than here because the funny thing is I usually get frustrated when the author of some piece of writing I love won’t tell me what it means for them, and so would beg, c’mon….it’s not gonna change how I feel about it, just tell meeee!” ...But I see now! Poetry (and lyrics), perhaps more than other forms of writing, belong as much to the reader as the writer, more so perhaps, so it feels a bit like thievery to tell what it “means” And when I went to type the meaning (for me) here in this comment, I couldn’t do it. It just felt strangely self-important, anti-climatic, or like I was stealing an experience from someone. ....Oh jeez! Not that I presume to be so impactful! I shudder at such pomposity!! ...I mean only to share a realization.

Again, thank you’s do not thank enough! ...See you soon in the email!

I feel compelled to add that I was only kidding about the c’mon…it’s not gonna change how I feel about it, just tell meeee!”...ya know, for effect. I just asked like a normal person. hehe …If they were a friend.

Relax Ms. Ali.  Don’t worry so much about what you say sounding like you are coming off this way or that way by thinking your are insinuating you have such “impact” ... Don’t apologize!  You don’t come off like arrogant or anything like that at all.  Besides, your writing does have impact!!  
And I feel the same way about “robbing” a reader of their interpretation some times if I explain my own motivations, for the very reasons you stated.  Funny :-)
Anyway, I will send you a message through your page so we can email.  
You’re welcome and thank you … -Peace

Thank you! The “mountain” does have intimate and emotional meaning for me, if that was conveyed somehow, I am gratful.

Again, I really appreciate that. These are the reactions one only hopes for. Thank you!

Thank you, I really appreciate that. Especially coming from such a gifted poet.