lol i thought i caught all the narration issues. oops I started one part of the story 3 months ago then finished up this part a week ago an without realising it i had writen it in two different narrations.
Romance / undeveloped thought
“I bet I could get you to” I smirked I began to slowly move my foot up his thigh. Keeping my movements liquid I caressed him. Keeping my eyes on his I began the dance.
He caught me in a hot angry kiss, Sighing as he crushed his lips to mine. He forced me back to the bed with an angry hunger. It was hot .It was fast. His hands were to rough on my breast, his mouth raked across my neck. It was never sweet, never slow. It bruised, created aches and voids where it was meant to fill.
When it was over I lay there and stare at him, this man that I was systematically removing from myself, Raw but never vulnerable he glared at me. “I hate you. “ He spit. He turned on his heel and walked out the door.
I sat my eyes hot and dry. Tears would not floor, my body sore and exhausted. Sleep remained elusive. I curled into a ball, squeezed my eyes shut and prayed tomorrow would forgive.
-—---—---—---—---—---—---—---—---—---—---—---—---—---—---—---—---—---—---—---—---—-—
Sunlight, stark, deceptively cold, I turn, silence, loneliness greets me .Not forgiven, loneliness, but never again alone. New life begins to stir. I lay my hand above it. This I will cling to. This will save me. Here lies my rope.
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Lyrikkal1 reviewed Version 4 -
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VoidSucker reviewed Version 4 -
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I’ve not reviewed this before, but it still contains a lot of simple (mainly structural) errors:
- add a space after each . to show the start of a new sentence
- spelling, as you know (enrolment, followed, dialled, dispair, thought, etc)
- start a new line for each speaker, eg:
He must have seen a glimmer of what used to be in my eyes.
”No” he barked, already half gone.
“I bet I could get you to” I smirked
This sentence is a bit confusing:
‘and stare at him, this man’
I’d rewrite it:
‘and stared at him, at this man’
It’s a little clearer this way.
You start the piece in a 3rd person narrative (‘If you were to see them’) and yet by the next paragraph you have changed to 1st person (‘He folowed me’). Why? Is this a mistake or intentional? Most authors choose a form of narrative viewpoint and stick to it. Flashbacks and dreams are sometimes in the 1st person, but for the most part I wouldn’t chop and change like you have here.
This isn’t bad but I think it suffers because it’s too fragmentary. By the second paragraph you tell us ‘He folowed me inside grudgingly.’ but at this point we have no idea WHY it is grudgingly, and without the why (the motivation), the emotion of the scene is weakened. We are, in effect, being shown a random scene of love/hate but because we don’t know anything about the characters, it lacks power. So, you might want to make this a longer piece – 1500 words say – so that we see the characters interact first BEFORE this piece.
Your last line is great, but it could be even better with a little editing, eg:
I slid in my car and picked up the phone. ”Mom, I have something important to tell you.”
Better?
As it stands, this piece is a bit rough, but if you make it longer and show us the characters more, then the emotion you are striving to convey will be more effective.
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Sparkles reviewed Version 4 -
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You switch from third person to first person between paragraphs one and paragraphs two. Was this intentional? And you switch tenses at the end, from past to present. Again,I wonder if this is intentional.
Equibabe611 reviewed Version 2 -
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I don’t quite understand why you started the piece in thrid person, and then went into first person narration. “He folowed her inside grudgingly.He sat on the floor near her chair while I went to put my coat away.” Reword the first few sentences to fit the rest of the writing.
You also have a few spelling and grammarical errors that need to be fixed. Perhaps spell check?
happilyunmarriedeverafter reviewed Version 2 -
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Ultimately, a piece of writing has to inspire emotions in us, and this really did it for me. I felt the needs of the protagonist, I knew what the “scene” was about. The only negative critique I have for the writer is that the spelling needs to be corrected, as some words like “dispear” for “despair” really interrupt the reader from the powerful story being told. So, other than that, really great work!
MollyBlonde reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked this story. But I think that you should make the storyline more clear perhaps. What kind of relationship are the characters in? Are they married? I ask myself these sort of questions everytime I write my stories. Also maybe you could describe things more like the scenery and the characters. Other than that I love this story. Good job!
Molly x
Amrita reviewed Version 1 -
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There are a few spelling, grammatical, punctuation errors and typos.
“I smirked [as] I began to slowly move my foot up his thigh.
The period comes immediately after the last letter followed by a double space.
too rough
No capitals after a comma “raw”
I lay there and stared at him
tears would not flow
he spat
here lies my hope
Is she really dancing or is it a metaphor? I’m not sure at first if she’s sitting or standing, and then she’s dancing. I want to know why he’s angry, why he rapes her, and why he hates her. She doesn’t seem to understand either. Why does she need his forgiveness?
“Sunlight, stark, deceptively cold, I turn, silence, loneliness greets me.” This needs to be made into a sentence, or you could divide the ideas with full stops to make the rhythm more abrupt. I’m not sure that the word “stark” is clear in this context.
I would like to know a lot more about the background to this piece. You have some good ideas but need to provide more of a story to support it. There’s not enough information to invoke the reader’s sympathy or interest in what will happen next.
brand_new_kate reviewed Version 1 -
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this is a powerful idea, and I think you can flesh it out more without being overly harsh. it needs more detail. what leaves voids where it should be filled? I understand the value of leaving some things unsaid, but this would be more powerful with more detail, I think.
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