Thank ya.
Poetry / possibility
A star twinkle,
an explosion in the mind,
propelling to the unknown,
a glance from distant eyes,
laying on the sidewalk.
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Amanda reviewed Version 3 -
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Well, since “the box does not exist,” I’m not certain how you will receive this, but here I go…Overall, I like the idea of this, and particularly appreciate the final line. The problem for me is that it reads as a stream of random images, rather than one coherent thought. The title does tie this together, but I would really like to see this fleshed out a bit more.
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jweeble reviewed Version 3 -
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I like the feel and images of this piece. No comma after mind, period or semicolon after unknown, laying should be lying. Nice start.
Nitarush reviewed Version 2 -
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Did you mean “As” stars twinkle … or A “star” twinkles … or maybe leave out the “A”. Not sure what this is about? Perhaps a stroke or getting hit. Whatever it is, I like it for some reason. Keep writing …
Sean_Allen reviewed Version 2 -
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“A stars twinkle,”
Should be ‘a star twinkles’ or maybe ‘as stars twinkle.’
I’d be lying if I said I knew where you were coming from with this poem. However, I can tell you what it make me think of. Stars and distant eyes made me think of aliens. It made me think about other worlds, and whether there are people there wondering about us too. Just sort of what I was thinking about while I wondered what this poem is actually about.
Doctor_Rat reviewed Version 1 -
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Starts – literally? – with a big bang, a strong image … and moves on well in the next two lines, but I’m afraid the fourth line seems to lose something [maybe it’s the “merely” which loses the momentum]. That said, the contrast of that last line saves something. A big crunch? Reminded of a drunken Kerouac imibing sweet tokay wine in some alleyway … and old Oscar Wilde living in the gutter and looking at the stars. [I suspect this says more about me than you]. Enjoyed it, though, and with a bit of tweaking it will be there. [PS “stars” in line one probably needs an apostrophe].
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Version 3
Latest Activity: about 1 year ago
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| Version 3 | Version 2 (Deleted) |
| Version 1 |