Poetry / Glebe

I love the story like structure that you have with this. I also love the personification of the city-if it is personifictaion of the city-if so it is so brilliant it makes me question wether it is or not.  You also have some wonderful imagery in this piece. I enjoyed!

Overall this was fantastic.  I really loved it.  It was hard to find something to critique but I ultimately just wanted to comment to let you know that I would most likely buy a book of poetry like this.

I will tell you the parts that were stronger parts that I wouldn’t suggest changing at all.   The ending was very strong.  I also loved the stanza dedicated to describing the way the suburb’s layout, the descriptions of the Jacarandas and the “purple carpet” under your feet.  You make me want to go here!

Very descriptive and well done. I hate to compare but I could crown you with the T.S. Eliot award. Made me want to go to Glebe. Brought back memories of a similar  street I used to visit down by the university in Albuquerque.Thanks for the trip. RLL

This is great.
You know, if you change “Filled with brains both young and old,”
to “Filled with brains both old and young” you would have a rhyme; why not.

I don’t like “imbibe”; sounds pretentious; why not say “Drink chai latte; hear the pithy social comments all around us”?

i love how you ended this poem. it seemed complete…the whole poem is brilliant and i appreciate what you’ve materialized here. “Purple carpet underneath our feet.” seems a bit misplaced or oddly injected into its place (or maybe i’m insane). the poem flows beautifully…will you sing it for me?

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December 31, 2007

by phlow

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86	88.2% (17 votes)	18.5%

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41	M	Australia	October 26

Haha… I don’t really want to spoil your holidays by breaking into song (although I have been hitting the karaoke joints quite frequently, recently).

As for the “purple carpet… ”, I’m alluding to the flowers fallen off the Jacaranda trees carpeting the footpaths, and tying it into that regal feeling of walking on purple carpets. But I do now see the oddity in its injection. The flaw in its logical construct has been brought about by poor punctuation, which I shall rectify this instant.

Great to have you back!! Happy holidays

January 03, 2008

by anonymitysucks

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19	F	Cleveland, OH	September 21

such pretty punctuation :)

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This poem created a fantastic mental image of a lot of the scenes, but also communicated something of the spirit of Glebe, which I think is a great accomplishment. A lot of it reminded me of prose, but something about the manner in which things were described brought it back to poetry. This review has been pretty unhelpful, but the poem read easily, and seemed very polished and complete. The ending didn’t feel like an ending, but more like a place where one could stop; I didn’t feel like I was left hanging, just that things weren’t concluded.

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December 16, 2007

by phlow

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41	M	Australia	October 26

A good point about the ending. I actually brought it to this particular conclusion, which, as you astutely observed, was ‘more like a place where one could stop’, rather than an actual conclusion. For, in the draft, I actually rambled on and on, and found it hard to ‘get off the bus’ after a while. Where would this end, I asked myself. Annandale?

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second line.. I would add: (the) mouthing of it as it provides a better cadence.

Excellent descriptive imagery, brings me to Glebe and I want to sit there with you.  And the last two lines are interesting, they add complexity to the scene, a contrast of superficial jibberish amongst a rich background of intellectual tones.  I would caution you to apply some energy to your punctuation, because all I could see is a few comma’s and only one period.  Am I to read this as one very long, run together sentence?

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November 11, 2007

by phlow

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41	M	Australia	October 26

Thanks for your helpful comments. S1L2 – I hear what you’re saying. As for the punctuation, I do have to admit I have some challenges with it, because when the words start flowing, attention to the punctuation gets left out. Good pointers for a redraft. Thanks!

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