Thank you very much for your review. I am glad I have spoken to you and wish all the best to you. Don’t envy me, I attribute my writing to the fact that I’m an emotional wreck. lol. It’s true. Smile!
Ace
Lyrics / My Broken Butterfly
She was so pretty. Right? The whole city’s lights would flutter by…
I remember when her momma was giving life to this butterfly.
No child could spread her wings like little Jasmine could.
She would bring home hands that would carry a lastin’ look.
At four, her passion stood in a diary beneath her cabinet wood.
Back then, it was packed with goods that her dad had put
And, like a fashion book, was littered with Crayola fancies.
Somehow, she’d always find the time to paint all those families
Channeling little arrows to point out which stick figure’s who:
“No, Daddy, that’s me, and the one with the big fingers is you.”
She was a singer, too. She only drew shapes on the sparest times.
Beyond that, she’d twinkle little stars in her underwear at night,
Holding her bear in tight, always filling up Dad’s mood cavity.
She’d move happily, leaving a kiss that could soothe insanity.
Back to her book she sat with glee, to show what she wrote.
It was always the last thing that she did before he’d go.
“I love you, Daddy” in her favorite pink on the back page,
Like the cheeks of that face, always clinging to that phrase.
Then, she’d think with a sad face. Blue was her quiet hue.
Nothing else mattered…
She’d put a smile on you without trying to.
Then, she said she’d be flying soon and yelled to tell her goodbye.
I Don’t think she knew he meant it when he held her to the sky.
I remember when she laughed so hard that she cried.
I remember when she grabbed my heart with her eyes.
I remember when she first thanked God for her life.
Now, I just wish that she could remember mine.
—-—-
I put her under skies and shut her eyes,
With a half-beat, muttered line
“Baby, you will always be Daddy’s butterfly.”
It’s been about twelve years since I last saw my little girl.
I walk with a memory crutch to sustain my crippled world.
This pain sits on a window curled next to a picture of her
Covered with heart shapes that, once upon a time, she colored.
I shudder. God she must look so much more beautiful now,
A queen so cute and so proud without a suitable crown.
Her eyes were two different browns. I bet that hasn’t changed,
Dark on tragic days and then light when she had her way.
I imagine a sadder face, and beg her eyes to ignite the darkness.
These arms twitch at the lack of the hand that grew apart since…
I ask her picture questions daily, with bitter hopes of an answer,
Praying that she’ll save me as my guilt grows like a cancer.
Does she know what I was after, or was she just told that I’m a bastard?
And Would she love me again, if I showed that she still matters?
My hand burned as I wrote a letter with all that I could muster.
Plastered with shame on the cover, it said that Daddy was thinking of her
And that the thing that he wants her to know the most about is
The way he died every time he realized she’s grown up without him.
Now I’m drownin’…in these tears with her response in my fingers,
As we’ll forever carry on the same song that still lingers:
I remember when you made me laugh so hard that I cried.
I remember when you held me with both hands to the sky.
I remember when you left then ran from my life.
Now I just wish I could call you “Dad” one more time.
—-—-
And an added line beneath her favorite colored phrase read:
“Daddy doesn’t love me. Now, I cry when I’m about to sing.
I’m still your butterfly, but how can I fly without my wings?”
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
bigluther reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100%% of the Item
when a grist is able to connect with his audience it is something special these lyrics probably connect with every young woman and there relationship with there fathers good job keep up the good work
- add/view comments (0)
ace07 reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I definitely think this piece is really cleanly written and the structure is clear to follow. I can certainly imagine a beat to this lyric and it sound great. The lyrics are touching and deep and truly get the listener or in this case the reader involved. Keep on writing songs. Best of luck.
OpalEl reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100%% of the Item
You have a perfect score in my books. And I’m pretty sure other will definitely agree! You have such a profound way of writing! Gosh I truly can’t believe you only 19! I could almost envy you!!! I hope you all the best with your writing. This really touched me though…my Father was never around. Best of luck.
mizzpris reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I like the song and I could hear what the music would sound like with the lyrics. I think it was a little long and the verses didn’t quite fit in timing, but the concept was beautiful and sad. I don’t like that it is so unresolved… I guess that would make it a good counrty song?
LurkingShadow17 reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100%% of the Item
That was very good! I really like the chorus it is really good
the verses, are very good as well but alittle too long, but overall this song is nice i liked it.
gymchik104 reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100%% of the Item
This doesn’t seem to be song lyrics and if it is it’s a LONG song. I think that you should post this in short stories and it will probably b erecieved better also. This piece could use more description,but I think yu have a nice start.
:)
JD
damai reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100%% of the Item
i have to tell you that the title really got my attention. but when you mention this lyric has a rap vibe, i was kinda skeptical and i thought that my interest would go away sooner than i thought it would be. oh boy, i was wrong. i enjoyed reading it and the best thing is, it’s like you are telling a story. not just simply write a lyric that has no passion or story to it.
whenever i read others’ work, the ones that grabbed my attention are the ones who write in story telling way, they separate chorus, main lines or bridge in paragraphs etc. you simply have all of that. that’s what i think. i would love to see more of your work. it’ll be interesting. good luck.
Salast reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Hey I’m sorry but I don’t have any critique for this. For me it’s written exactly the way it should be. Nice rhythm to the lines. I’d like to actually hear this sung. My imagination is good but I bet I’m missing something by not hearing the melody in your head.
alone363 reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I remember when you made me laugh so hard that I cried.
I remember when you held me with both hands to the sky.
I remember when you left then ran from my life.
Now I just wish I could call you “Dad” one more time.
Brought tears to my eyes
Wonderful lyrics…one more to my favourites..thank you for such a beautiful lyrics
Reaper reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Very sweet, and then very sad. I tried to imagine it with a beat, and it just kept reading like a poem to me. A few commas, or something to signify where pauses and breaks go, might be useful to readers on here. Overall, I enjoyed it.
Showing 1 - 10 of 26
Next →
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
15 Reviews 5 Comments
Version 3
Latest Activity: 8 months ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 94 Times
Skipped: 6 Times
Ratings & Rankings
Versions
| Version 3 | Version 2 (Deleted) |
| Version 1 |