That’s actually a very good idea. I’ll work on that one – thanks for reading!
Journal, Diary, & Blogging / The Job Just Clicked
I work part time at a restaurant. I’m a waiter. And sometimes I wash dishes. My superior and the head of the wait-staff is from Zimbabwe so she has the whole accent thing going on. The other day she seated this group of people and asked me to take their order. One of the ladies who was seated thought herself very clever. She noticed the accent and then saw my olive complexion and PRESUMED that, of course, I must also be from Zimbabwe. That I may in fact be THE SON of the head of wait-staff.
So I’m all like, ‘May I take your order?’
And before anyone can speak, she starts to utter this strange clicking sound. I look at her, puzzled. What is she doing? Halfway through I have to stop her because she’s beginning to disturb some of the other patrons. I ask the polite equivalent of WTF?
She replies, ‘Well you’re from over there aren’t you? I was speaking to you in your native tongue you silly boy!’ She sits back, utterly smitten with her apparently well-travelled self, a stupid lip-sticked grin streching itself across her heavily made-up face.
Well I’m dumbfounded. No one has ever thought me African before and it does come as a bit of a shock. Being caught off-guard like that, I do what any normal person else would.
I click back.
Now her grin morphs into a look of puzzlement and confusion. I think that maybe she’s realised her mistake. I think that maybe she is going to apologise. But instead she turns to her partner and tells him that I must be ‘clicking’ a ‘different dialect’ because she ‘can’t seem to understand what I’m saying’.
I give up trying to take the group’s order and walk down to the function room where my colleague is tipping the dregs of leftover drinks into a bucket. He offers me twenty dollars to have a shot of the murky mess and I accept. He pulls out the shot glass and I drain it and take the twenty bucks quite happily. And then I don’t know what it is; possibly the beer-soaked and vodka-tainted half-eaten buffet backwash now sliding down my throat, but I offer his money back if he has a shot as well. So he pours a shot and knocks it back and I hand him his twenty dollars back and then we just sort of stare at each other. No one actually won anything. Or lost anything. And now the back of my throat stings and my stomach starts to somersault.
I walk back through the restaurant and the lady is still in the corner, clicking away at me, teeth gnashing, her eyes rolling back into her head and I have to go up to her because other customers are getting turned off their meal. I ask her if she wants anything to drink and she says, ‘Whatever it is you drink in your country my funny, little African friend.’
So I go back down to the function room and grab a shot glass and the bucket of dregs for her.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
TrevorSamuels reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
Very well written, unique story. Spelling, sentence structure, grammar and punctuation are all excellent. Good flow, easy to follow. I can’t really critique it though, it works as written. I’d like to read more. Good job!
- add/view comments (0)
the_venus_in_isis reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
I liked the story. I thought it was quite funny. I do, however, think you should work on adding a little punch to the ending. Make a reference to getting the twenty dollars back, or ‘I grabbed a shot glass and…’ and let the reader connect the previous references to a shot glass to the current one.
Overall, I think it was very good.
MARCH reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
I thought this was funny, but in a mean way. I was like mad the whole time at the costumer, but also laughed at her…odd. I hope this isn’t true, because it must have been a horrible experience. It did make me laugh and I enjoyed reading it..good job.
Brynn reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
Very funny! got plenty of out-loud laughs from me. My only suggestion would be the very first 3-4 sentences, try to make them not quite so choppy. You could combine the first three into one, well done sentence. Other than that, very good! I can see that wierdo lady clicking away. And the slightly puzzled look on your face and your friend’s face after realizing you drank shit for nothing. LOL the last line ties it together very well. rite on! I hope to read more!
Eve
Reaper reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I can’t believe you’re only 17. This is great! I love it. It’s hillarious and flows very nicely. And I didn’t even find any grammatical errors. Bravo.
DCAllen reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Entertaining. You have a good, humorous voice. The other readers were right: You belong here. Having worked in restaurants, I know this character/caricature well. Good story.
Proofreading notes:
Zimbabwe so she has (insert comma before “so”)
of the head of wait-staff (awkward repetition of “of”)
Also, you have a lot of long, run-on sentences that might irritate some readers. As long as they are punctuated correctly, your reviewers won’t complain.
onlywish reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100%% of the Item
You are a very entertaining writer. Even if this is exaggerated the main point is clear. You have a talent for writing in this form. I can’t say what you did was right, but I am glad you did it.
A_mused reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
LMAO! This isn’t just a funny story. It is perfectly presented! I can see this idiot woman making an ass out of herself. It’s hilarious that you clicked back! I didn’t see the ending coming and I laughed out loud. I don’t care which parts of this story were embellished. Just because it didn’t happen exactly that way is no reason to bore others with the truth. I love it!!!
hammah reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
This is very funny, nice description, nice action, nice response! I loved the “click” of your sentences; it brings the action right to the fore where it belongs. And just the thought of serving “whatever it is you drink in your country,” which you had just done, is near perfect justice. The undertone of injustice and racism is both vetted and vindicated in these few short words. If you are only 17 you should think about being a writer.
a_sooner_girl reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
It’s a great start. You had me laughing out loud at the “clicking in a different dialect”. That was too funny. I would like to see some more description, what is the restaurant like? Is it upscale? Is it a diner? What are the patrons like? You have a great funny style and I would like to see more of your work. :)
Showing 1 - 10 of 22
Next →
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
15 Reviews 14 Comments
Version 1
Latest Activity: about 1 year ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 16 Times
Skipped: 0 Times
Ratings & Rankings
Versions
| Version 2 |
| Version 1 |