Poetry / "Vista"

Your poem gets more rhythmic as it progresses. I think you should rewrite the first stanza as it doesn’t flow as well as the others.

I have a more serious problem with this poem though: The thought here is interesting, but the imagery is so fantastic it’s hard to relate to; how can a person be carried by wind or water vapor? I suggest either using the same imagery to write a poem that is more concrete and about the natural world, or write a poem using the same thought about one’s life but using imagery that would make sense when the main subject is a human.

Generally, I have a problem with “I” in poems.  It tends to interrupt the flow of the piece rhymthically.  It also creates a barrier between the reader and the author. “I” defines the “doer” of the piece as someone OUTSIDE of the reader… hence making the reader feel like they are an outsider to the piece… only being allowed to view because of “I”’s permission.  This makes the reader put up his/her guard against what is being said.

That said… I like that you used “I” sparingly and not throughout the whole piece.  I would slightly rewrite the second stanza to eliminate the “I”.

The third stanza seems unnecessary… try reading it aloud with it in and without it. I think it is weak and actually pulls the reader in a direction that is distracting from your main thought.

The last line is too long and doesn’t fit the rhythm of the piece up to then.

I hope this helps.

this is really good! i especially like the last stanza; “I would have chosen
Water, wind or river frozen
I would have chosen any way but the one by which I’ve come”...thats beautiful! and how this poem was concluded i think fit very nicely. great job!

How can I say that this is exceptional in 25 words ? I would not change a thing! Hope that publisher gets hold of you. I’d love to read your other work.

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November 19, 2007

by mannequingirl

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Thanks very much for your kind words…

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It’s interesting; I feel like most people write introspective poems that usually fall on the other side of the spectrum. You know, ala The Road Not Taken by Frost. I think the big thing is that in that poem, Frost doesn’t deny having doubts and misgivings about his decision, but he also admits that it has ‘made all the difference.’ I guess the real difference between the different paths are the experiences accumulated along the way, and that certainly does make a difference as far as the life you live. In physics, there are variables called ‘state functions’ which remain the same regardless of what path you take. I imagine life is both similar and different. The great diversity of life is that the path we take changes us, but in a sense the end result is the same.

I don’t have much along the lines of criticism. It reminded me of a great poem, which makes it a pretty good poem in and of itself.

I liked the way you detailed your surroundings and the base of the topic,I just didn’t uderstand why he/or she left to take the venture their experiencing.
Over all it was great to read.

I LIKE HOW THE SPACE MADE BY THE STANZAS AND THE SHORT, CLEAR PHRASES HELPS TO BUILD THE FLOW OF THE POEM AND SO TAKES THE READER ALONG. YOU ARE NOT SURE WHERE YOU ARE GOING BUT NOT LEFT CONFUSED. YOU ARE CURIOUS AS TO WHAT THIS “VISTA” IS AND WHY ALL THE OTHER WAYS OF COMING ARE MENTIONED. THEY ALL PROVIDE A PERFECT BACKGROUND FOR THE FINAL LINE. THIS POEM IS VERY GOOD!