Poetry / No More
In pain, she smiles and laughs
To bitter over her hellish past,
Hiding it all behind the mask,
That obscured her vision from her path.
Lies of the Heart,
Cruelty endured,
And through hate,
A lie was born,
This horrid disguise left her nothing,
To scared and alone, to hollow and numb,
Nothing remained, when withered and died,
All the was there, was the tears her heart cried.
Fighting for life,
Her heart broke through,
And clung to the first,
That came to view.
Needing love, needing compassion,
So eager, she accepted their passion.
More and more, she wanted more,
Soon everyone started calling her a whore.
To greedy for love,
To greedy in life,
In the end, it was she,
That was sacrificed.
But she didn’t care, she needed to feel,
She wanted a love that was so real,
Tired of day dreams, tired of the lies,
She tried so hard, but only got last goodbyes.
How it hurt her,
The way they lied,
And Yet in the end,
She never cried.
In the Beginning, she knew it wouldn’t last,
Just as everything had in her past,
All that would stay, was the never ending pain,
As it would build and build, to drive her insane.
So in her Desperation,
To stop the pain,
She made a plan,
To let it drain.
She let it bleed, by bloody knife,
Bled from the heart, her blood of life,
And as she went numb, a smile came,
This was the end, she’d play no more games.
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This is a nice way to put a familiar story about a common end result or escape from pain. You have a flowing cadence. I would like to personally see some of the grammar tightened. For example “too” in lieu of “to” where appropriate, unless this was by design, which sometimes it is. Also, the rhythm is good, but have you spoken this aloud to see how it flows with the syllables. Sometimes, it looks good on paper, and sounds good in your head, but does not always flow the same when read aloud by someone who is not privy to the innerworkings of your mind. Try reading this piece aloud a few times. I would be curious to see if you change some of the placement of words or some of the words altogether. Great piece altogether!
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I do not like how there is random rhyming schemes throughout this piece. If you are going to rhyme, set a specific pattern and stick to it.
I think this poem was very deep. This is is a poem that is not only felt but understood, This seems to be a situation that afects many young women craving for not only attention but genuine love.
This is great! it really does show what pain this person is going though wheather it is you or someone else..i’m so sorry if it is you but if not it shows emotion and pain and it really could tug at your heart no matter who you are.
While this has a very nice flow, rhyme scheme, and story there were a few typos. You repeatedly used ‘to’ as in “to go, to do, etc”. Instead you should have used “too” as in “Too much, too good, too crazy”.
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