Rosgullah is a sweet made of sugar, flour and cream. very famous in India and Bangladesh.
Thanks for the review.
Humor/Satire / Stupid Monkey and My Ruined Military Career!
This is a story about how my career was ruined by a stupid monkey. After serving nineteen long years in Bangladesh Army, without missing office, PT and games for a single day, without missing any Physical Efficiency Test (without passing though), without skipping any exercise, my long-built career was shattered—shattered by a stupid red-faced monkey.
The incident took place in a city called Comilla.
I was standing under the shades of few trees beside our PT ground. The weather was good, my mind was joyful (since I was back from weekend the day before) and there was no worry. But unbeknownst to me, my luck was smiling at me from a distance!
There was a small tool beside me. I was giving free lessons to the adjutant on how to fix tent for military exercise. I just have bought a Siemens M65 spending precious money from my wallet and kept the phone on the tool. When I was finished with bullying the freaked out adjutant I found out something that choked me to death. My cell phone was gone. But there was none but the adjutant and me around. It just vanished into thin air, I thought until I heard some screaming coming from atop a tree.
I looked up only to find a family of five monkeys, screeching, jumping and having a great time. Just the moment my mouth opened in unbelief I heard a much-known ring tone coming from where the monkeys were playing. My cell phone was in their hands!
Damn!
As I shouted for some of the soldiers to help me get my phone back, the monkeys seem to get their life back. They were jumping more than ever before like it was their party time. I found my cell phone in the hands of the biggest of the monkey folks, presumably the father of the family, who, with a keen interest of a PhD student was examining the new but unknown gadget in his hand. The whole family gathered around the father as they began throwing my phone like a ball—from one hand to the other. I was dead out cold standing under the tree! They kept pushing the buttons of my set, leaping in ecstasy and even began to play juggles with that. The fear of my mobile dropping from those apes’ hand made me shiver. My soldiers, without trying to help me, were gathering in a crowd around me and were enjoying this free show like a circus. They were laughing at me, the monkeys and my cell. Just imagine! I wish I could court martial half of my unit. But at that moment, my cell phone was more precious than those frigging soldiers!
Suddenly my previously learned monkey-knowledge hit me in my brain. Someone told me that monkeys like to imitate a lot. So, to put this monkey-theory into practice, I employed my runner to buy a couple of bananas from the canteen and throw at those stupid monkeys. He did. To my surprise, instead of throwing back my cell, the monkeys caught the bananas and started eating them. However, after throwing two dozens of banana (cost 2 US$!) and finally hitting the daddy monkey on his face, the monkey threw my cell phone back to the ground. And my 200$ cell phone hit the land and split to pieces. But the point of solace was I got my cell back. I tried to rebuild my cell from the broken parts and when I finally made it my cell looked like a twisted, traumatized, stone-age stuff which would never work. But how I wished it were the end of the game! But it wasn’t.
While the monkeys were playing with my phone, guess who called? My Commanding officer (CO)—my fearsome, loathed boss! When he called, he heard some screaming, screeching and all other non-human sounds that monkeys are good at making. My boss, presumably furious at such response from me (it was not I, but the monkeys) called me on my land phone. Then, read on the dialogue below:
CO: What the hell you think you are doing? Are you trying to joke with me? Can’t you damn fuckin’ talk?
Me: Sorry sir! I don’t understand.
CO: Damn it, I called your cell and I heard you laughing and screeching.
Me: Oh, sorry sir. Something happened.
CO: What?
Me: A monkey stole my cell.
CO: WHATTT?!!! (He screamed so loud that my right eardrum almost got impaled).
Me: Yes sir!
CO: Damn F! Are you mocking?
Me: No sir. You can ask my adjutant. He is standing under the tree.
CO: You damn hell! If you can’t save your fing cell from a f* ing monkey, how can you save this f* ing country from f* ing enemy? (He used the F word 4 times, I counted).
Me: Sir, I can.
CO: You damn non-military, nincompoop! I will have you court-marshaled!
He then slammed his receiver down and with it went down my career—down the drain. I then sat on my chair under the tree, trying to recuperate from my boss’s monkey-cell and enemy-country analogy! Is it fair? How could he say this? What has a monkey got to do with an enemy? What has a cell got to do with my country?
After I got my cell back and rebuild it, I figured I still could make calls and send texts. Calls and texts? Yes. That was another disaster. Remember, the telephone internal circuitry mess up? I sent a text to my mom-in-law “Amma (Mom), did you get the rosgullah (A kind of bangladeshi sweet) I sent?” And guess what. It went to my CO again. And he called.
CO: You shithole! You think I am your Amma?
Me: Sorry sir?
CO: Could you give me a plausible explanation on how you consider me your Amma? You just sent me a text.
Me: (Oh Man! I am doomed!) Sir, I am extremely sorry. I sent a text to my mom-in-law and it went to you. It will never happen. I will change my phone.
CO: I don’t care if you will change your phone or your own forsaken ass! Why the hell your text to your in-law came to me? I need a written explanation on under which circumstances you wanted to bribe your CO with rosgullah. I need the report by the end of the day. Are you frigging listening?
Me: Yesss, yes sir!
And with this my career went down the drain again—this time towards the Indian Ocean-—unrecoverable, un-amendable.
The final result:
I get a posting to Jungles (full of monkeys).
I got a mere AVERAGE in my Annual Performance Report (Just missed the BELOW AVERAGE by mere two points)!
I get a love letter (letter of displeasure) from a Major General warning me not to try to bribe anyone with Rosgullah!
Now, tell me what have I done to deserve this?
Shabbir “the-guy-whose-career-was-ruined-by-monkey” Ahsan
P.S. What happened is 100% true, though you don’t have to believe me. But please believe me. I am looking for a new career now. Preferably in a zoo—near the monkey cage, you know!
Shabbir Ahsan
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Razzer123 reviewed Version 1 -
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MoulinCool reviewed Version 1 -
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neoprose reviewed Version 1 -
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Ahaha, that was choice… hehehe -monkey. “100% true”... sure it was ;) Anyway, a great item with classic dialouge. I’m kind of tired right now and will probably read it again later, but for now it made me laugh. SO, you have achieved easy yet witty humour -what else could you ask for?
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Brynn reviewed Version 1 -
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This story was funny in circumstance but in my opinion really didn’t capture the reader. I did like the line about your eardrum almost getting impaled because I could see that picture in my mind. Some things I would suggest, there are a few ideas that are cut into two or three sentences, try melding into one. Exaple: “My cell phone was gone. But there was none but the adjutant and me around.” Try ”My cell phone was gone, yet there was none but the adjutant and me around!”
Also something that made it rather choppy was the use of the word “but” to start a sentence. I counted seven lines that started in but. Try replacing them or even just dropping them all together.
One more thing (I promise) there are a few grammatical and sentence structure errors, just needs some editing is all.
Overall though I did feel sorry for him (you) and laughed at the general happenings.
Keep Trying
Eve
hypatia reviewed Version 1 -
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Thank you for sharing such an amusing story. I can visualize the monkeys and your men all laughing and can sense your obvious anger and frustration. I am glad that you were not thrown out of the army and were transferred. Overall you wrote this very well and with good humor and it was a delight to read.
What the hell (do) you think
Why the hell (would) your text to
the PS at the end was a good touch.
SemperConstance reviewed Version 1 -
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Cute story, not true at all. But cute nevertheless….
Couple of questions for you:
What is rosgullah? And why do you capitalize in this sentence:
“I get a love letter (letter of displeasure) from a Major General warning me not to try to bribe anyone with Rosgullah!”
But not this one :
“Why the hell your text to your in-law came to me? I need a written explanation on under which circumstances you wanted to bribe your CO with rosgullah.”
And also:
If the result of this little incident was that you got an AVERAGE on your Annual Performance Report, why are you now looking for a job? Are you implying that this got you fired? Doesn’t seem like one average performance review out of 19 dignified years would be enough to make that happen. But what do I know?
Anyway, good luck with the piece. I look forward to reading more of your stuff in the future.
endisnow424 reviewed Version 1 -
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The story read out like it was written by a younger writer i dont know how old you are but thats what it seemed like to me. Cute storyline but the fact that you refuse to swear throughout the entire story makes it lose its character and become more of a novelty. Lose some of the superfluous parts and dirty up that language a bit kid. Don’t be afraid to get dirty all writers do it at some point and it helps prove points the anger would be way more convincing with some actual swears in there instead of fing. But over it wasn’t bad and it made me laugh a little.
lnhlnhthewriter reviewed Version 1 -
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It was okay. I could see iit somewhat. But some of it seems to sound a little off. Plus, you go from the story to telling what happened after, so I’m not sure where to be. A few examples of some things:
“But there was none but the adjutant and me around.” I think none would be better as no one.
“I was dead out cold standing under the tree!” This sounds wrong. Perhaps something more like “frozen in place” or ” dead cold”.
“Then, read on the dialogue below:” This could be removed. Also, it’d look better if you posted the dialogue in quotation marks.
Taoistpunk reviewed Version 1 -
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This anecdote was interesting enough to keep me reading, but not funny enough to make me laugh. I did smile. It is 100% believable. I am sure that everyone has had an unusual set of unlikely circumstances occur that influence an authority figure in a negative way. I used to get caught in class all the time doing something that I never did, and the snickering voices behind me SHOULD have clued in the teacher what was really happening…but of course, never did.
Nani reviewed Version 1 -
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The story is a good one, it’s just the telling of it that needs work.
There are many words and phrases that don’t make sense, e.g.:
“I was dead out cold standing under the tree!” or “kept the phone on the tool” .... what does this mean? Makes it hard to follow your storyline.
Much could be edited out; don’t see why we need to know about the bananas, if you took that whole section out it wouldn’t change your story.
Good effort, would like to see rewrites—definitely use a spell checker.
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