Thanks for the feedback. I think I’ve found something pretty original for her. :)
Romance / NaNoWriMoProject 2
10:00 a.m.
Again, I reach my lonely foot over to find nothing. Well, nothing except my grouchy weinie dog who growls at me.
“Shut up, Sammie.”
She growls at me again and I roll out of bed.
I shake off the morning “lonlies” as I call them. Those moments when I wish I had someone to share my morning coffee with. Not necessarily to talk, I’m not much of a morning person, just someone to share the morning with. Or at least someone to brew my coffee for me. I got one of those coffee pots with a timer last year for Christmas, but I never can remember to set it. Just another one of those Carly things when I mean well, it just doesn’t happen for me.
While I wait for my coffee to brew, I fire up my laptop. I check my Myspace page to see if anyone has commented on my last blog, my last piece of writing. A couple of people have. I respond to their comments and log onto Match.com.
I joined Match.com a few months ago because I thought it would be a good idea. I thought it would be a veritable buffet of available men looking for the same thing I am. Not really. Lately, most of the guys I’ve attracted have been guys who think they deserve a little Carly-for-dessert after one dinner.
It doesn’t work that way, and rarely have I been asked on a second date. Well, I can’t exactly say that. Usually, I get invited over for “dinner and a DVD”. Like I don’t know what that means. I’ve made that mistake before. I won’t make it again.
Anyway, let me bounce back again to the topic at hand.
I’ve received a couple of emails from promising prospects so I take a few minutes to respond while I sip my morning coffee. After my coffee, it’ll be off to my morning torture routine at my local gym. I LOVE the food here in South Louisiana. To keep the fat from creeping up on my thighs I have to worship the treadmill god daily. It’s a sacrifice I hate, but make it anyway.
It’s really all about math. 5 minutes of eating rice and gravy equals 55 minutes on the treadmill. How that’s supposed to equal out, I have no clue. All I know is that after thirty, the metabolism bottoms out and it’s either work out or work to buy new clothes.
At least with my new job, I get to sleep in.
I’m checking my emails and see that I got an email from last night’s Travelocity gnome.
“I told all my friends in Denver about you. They’re looking forward to meeting you.”
“Jesus Christ.” I mutter to myself.
One drink and he’s ready to introduce me to his friends and family. I have one drink with a guy and I’m not ready to introduce him to my dog. I don’t know though, Sammy might like the gnome. They’re about the same height.
I hit delete and decide I’ll feel bad for that tomorrow. Scarlett was really onto something when she said, “After all, tomorrow is another day.”
I’ll feel guilty tomorrow.
I finish up my work-out and meet Jamie to talk business. Since it’s nearing the end of the month, we sit and plan out the upcoming month. What bands are playing, what drink specials we’re planning, what birthdays we’re celebrating. It takes up the rest of my time for the day and before I know it, I’m back at home getting ready for another night of work.
Before I leave though, I check my mail. No more gnome messages, but there is a message from a cutie-patootie from Match.com. He’s emailed me his number. I give him a call, but he doesn’t answer. I leave a message and wonder if he’ll call me back.
I have no time to wonder for too long.
It’s Friday night and our bar is full when I get there. There’s not even anytime for a relaxing drink before I start. As soon as I get there I’m working with Laura, our other bartender. We’re serving drinks left and right.
Then HE comes in.
Who’s HE? HE is my ex-best friend. Why he continues to come in here I have no clue. Why he’s my ex-best friend I have no clue. All I know is that he refuses to talk to me, not even to tell me what I did wrong. That’s okay though. I refuse to serve him so he has to wait until Laura has a free minute.
I’m content to give him dirty looks from the other side of the bar. Childish? Maybe.
But he started it.
I’m merely waiting for him to finish it.
Did I mention I’m stubborn?
Oh well, Joey will be here soon to take over for awhile. We take shifts. He works behind the bar and I network for awhile, then we switch.
My phone vibrates and I reach down to grab it. It’s an unknown number. I shove it back into my pocket. I answer my phone about half the time and never if it’s a number I don’t know. Especially when I don’t have time.
It vibrates again a little later, signaling I have a message.
I listen. It’s the cutie-patootie from Match.com.
I make a mental note to call him back tomorrow. Calling him back now is an impossibility.
Joey walks into the bar and I fix myself a drink. He’ll help with the bartending and I’ll make my rounds and talk to the customers.
I stop and make a little small talk with everyone sitting at the bar. Well, everyone except HIM. One of these days, I hope we’ll talk again, but apparently today just isn’t the day that’s going to happen.
I make my rounds then take up residence in our little corner booth. Joey was hesitant at first to install booths in the bar, but I was adamant. I love the cozy feel of booths. It lends a certain amount of intimacy. You can always snuggle up with someone in a booth. I haven’t been able to find anyone to snuggle with in our booths, but that’s beside the point. I will have someone to snuggle with one of these days, damnit!
Another night flies by, and before I know it, I’m crawling my behind into my bed. Sammy doesn’t growl at me this time. She’s either too tired, or she’s just too darn lazy. I make a mental note to call back the cutie-patootie tomorrow, then it’s off to sleep for me.
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CharlieMack reviewed Version 1 -
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It doesn’t work that way, and rarely have I been asked on a second date. Well, I can’t exactly say that. Usually, I get invited over for “dinner and a DVD”. Like I don’t know what that means. I’ve made that mistake before. I won’t make it again.
That was funny. I didn’t know women saw it that way, becuase I’m always reccomending dinner and a DVD. I always thought it was something easy and relaxing, that allowed for less pressure and more… “options”
“cootie-patootie”? Where do people say that?
Anyway I liked it. The character seems like someone a lot of people would like to read about because everyone knows what it is like to be lonely and love to find in a character something they can relate to. My only gripe though is one I have quite often. When it starts, it doesn’t say much about the character, so being that I know nothing about her, I can accept her being being lonely. But the more I learned about her, the less realistic it got. She became to me one of those women who are only lonely because they choose to be, because of pickiness or whatever the reason. Working out daily… attractive (I’m assuming because of her job and the fact that every guy takes a shot to get into her pants by the second date). Anyway, she won less and less of my sympathy as time went on because she became more beautiful and I assume someone as beautiful as she is probably lonely because of her own issues and less because of other’s. But I like it though and am curious about the character. I do want to know more about her.
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axelk reviewed Version 1 -
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I must say that I have found this to be quite entertaining. With an fair amount of humor, of insights, very modern and the character was built rather good. I enjoyed reading it and I am waiting for more. I hope she will find her man in the dating world. My advice on the further development of this piece is to make something original happen because it can easily fall into the common writing.
Catastrophe reviewed Version 1 -
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It’s not bad. You seem to have a good lock on Carly’s character. This piece was a little too short to make any calls on how you’re setting up the plot.
You’ve got some good details in Sammy, and Carly’s routine. The scene at the bar seemed a little rushed, though, especially with the aside about her ex-best friend.
Some more thorough descriptions would help the reader place themselves in the narrative. We don’t even know what Carly looks like at this point. Since she is on MySpace and Match.com, you could describe her profile picture or her avatar. Either would give us some more insight to her character.
I didn’t notice any mechanical errors. I liked the line about Sammy and the gnome.
Good luck with this story!
Champ99 reviewed Version 1 -
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The characters come across as believable. I like the whole using the internet bit. This piece does a good job of setting the stage, or completing that set up if this is part two. However, it reads wordy. For example, in the first few paragraphs, you’ve told us too much about the character, most of which we could deduce from her actions. I’d edit for wordiness. SELF EDITING FOR FICTION WRITERS, Browne and King, may help. It’s s an excellent source.
I really enjoyed the humor. Your style is smooth and flows well Also, a good, strong voice--this is good, as these attributes aren’t teachable--you have them.
Good luck with it!!! Polish, edit, you’re off to a good start!
wrytergrrrl reviewed Version 1 -
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I’ll focus more on the actual plot type stuff, as I know when you are in the midst of writing for NaNoWriMo it is more about content and less about the grammar and other mechanics.
I found this interesting enough, the plot moved forward at a pretty fast pace and never stalled out for too long so that it became boring. But it felt like a bit too much telling and not enough showing. Your main character has all of these conversations with people that we never get to hear. Dialogue is an important part of any story. It picks up the flow and keeps things interesting and breaks up the monotony of other paragraphs. You also skip the main action sequences. The main character went to the gym but you skipped her actual workout. It may hurry the plot along to do that, but it detracts from the story as well. Having a scene with her sweating and running and feeling burning in her calf muscles or a cramp in her foot would have been interesting to read about and would have given the plot a much more realistic feel.
I think this has some potential, especially with the idea of her dating all of these men from Match.com and trying to find true love. But it definitly needs some fleshing out before it reaches that potential.
Corn reviewed Version 1 -
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damn i only got part 2, i’ll take a look at the first part later =]
it’s an interesting story.. although i’m slightly confused as i have no idea if anything significant happen during the first part. nevertheless, i wanna know more =] you’ve got interesting character development.
looking forward to what comes next.
Harold_P reviewed Version 1 -
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Hey there…
I think this has legs within the romance genre. You created a strong, empathetic character and the narrative was written in a conversational and warmly witty style. The small details of this awkward world where the character has to battle her loneliness and introduce romance into her world. I wanted to see her happy, I cared about her quest, and that I think is the main key to this kind of genre…
Harold_P
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