Short Story / Malcolm's Gone Flying

Thank you for the review on the story. The technical aspects you discussed have definite pertinence here, and I appreciate the pointers. The story is in rework status. I’d like to post this for a competition, and this will be my focus for the re-write. Most helpful, sir.

Thank you. Coming from someone with as much prowess as you, I’ll take the commentary gratefully and humbly. I am glad that you found the work enjoyable, and that it reminded you of other things. That’s what it was meant to do.

Apologies for the ‘poor’ critique  - just couldn’t find anything to criticize that didn’t make me feel as though I was being inherently petty.
p.s the discussion surrounding this work has been pretty entertaining too ;-)

Thanks, Doogy. I am pleased to see that someone recognized one of the goals that I set inwriting this piece. Not only was I looking for a full spectrum of emotion and a tightness of the storyline, I was also under the gun on word count. Thanks for the keen observation, and I hope to continue to post the same, if not better, caliber of work here.

I wasn’t going to post a review on here, but the drama was too much to resist. If there are any glaring misspellings I wrote it while I was laughing and I really have to pee.

And as far as the concencus of a broad reader base goes…I’m sure that same concensus would cry over a Folgers Cofee add…next time you wrap a story entirely around a word like turbillion at least give it some character from your own personal experiences.

A bit on the presumptuous side, my acid-seeping critic. I suspect that there is lurking beneath your would-be high-brow scowl a person whose own experiences are limited. The story in question, to be quite frank, was taken from an all-too personal experience: I had to watch a child near and dear to me wither and perish in the clutches of leukemia. And all he ever wanted was to one day fly. The story was meant for him, but it has been an underpinning for me and my work for years. It has risen as a symbol of why I write, which is to reach across boundaries and communicate with other humans. I feel deep regret for someone who is emotionally stunted and would tear at the seams of another’s work just to gratify themselves. That very mentality, that pessimism, that contempt is what is at the very core of rot rampant in our alleged civilization. I came to urbis to hone, share, and grow, not to serve as a punching bag for someone embittered by life, as your statements would lead me to believe. What you offered was not critical analysis. Rather, the statements were burnt offerings retched onto a public altar of spite and malice. The next time you feel like expending some energy to critique someone, try doing it from an objective stance, and not from the posture of someone caught in another’s slipstream. At least the first critic had positive things to offer, which if you recall, I embraced. You offered me nothing. A little disappointing, I must say, given the fact that this site operates on the basis of quid pro quo. Oh, and hate you? No, that would imply that I care. Were your comments helpful or instructional, I would care. The only reason I have taken the time and put forth the effort to address your flip remarks is I do like so like to rebut. Anything else you might derive from this would be fallacious. And one more thing, next time you deign to use my vernacular against me, make sure that you know all of the variants of a word. The word is quite correctly spelled t-o-u-r-b-i-l-l-i-o-n. (By the way, how’s that for reaching?)

How’s that for reaching?  I am not going to hang around and compare battle wounds with you. You have no idea what experiences I have or haven’t so I suggest you leave those judgements at the door.  I never said your experiences were limited. However,  your melodramatic way of expressing your experiences annoys me. Simply that and nothing more. For example “I had to watch a child WITHER and PERISH in the CLUTCHES of Lukemia.” You sound so impersonal. If you were speaking to someone right in front of your face about that child would you say wither and perish? If so then I stamp you Melodrama Queen. I will never critique your work again because I am sorry, although you have some work I slightly like I will continue to be annoyed. Also, if you don’t plan on changing this already published piece because of it’s oh so precious previous praise etc. then why did you post it? I’m thinking it’s simply because you wanted more praise and that my friend you will not recieve from me.

Don’t count me as a friend. And I am not seeking ego-stroking as it appears you are in your primitive, baseline drivel that’s supposed to be poetry. The verse is amateurish, the language roiling in flat toned structure, and your use of imagery is overplayed. In fact, I can recall having read other similar poems, such as your “faery” piece. Is that why you pursue poetry, because it allows you vaguery and pretense when in fact you have nothing at all to say? Try prose on for a change, and be pointed with what you have to say. And try a SPELL CHECK once in a while. As far as that goes, why don’t YOU put down the thesaurus, because “vivacity” seems to be a bit too much of a mouthful for your poetry [sic] to handle. Melodrama Queen? As if you have the salt to ‘stamp’ anyone. I have all ideas that you suffer from the very affliction which you would ascribe to me. On the subject of my having posted this story, I would ask the same of you: Why put up that anemic “Tarnished Faery Tale”? It doesn’t appear that you’ve refined and reposted it. I will not apologize for using the language that I do; maybe it is you that is need of a little fortification to your vocabulary. Unless of course you want to continue to remain static with what you try to pass of as poetry. I care not a whit for the fact that you choose to refrain from reading any of my other works as you seem only intent upon gnashing your teeth at people who have a vested interest in writing and developing their work. You have apparently reduced this site to being your personal bashing venue. Which leads me to my final question: Don’t you have a coffee house to haunt(and coffee is spelled just that way, not c-o-f-e-e as you offered in your witless quip of earlier)? Be sure to wear your good tattered black sweater when you do; that way you can at least look the part when you parade around therein touting yourself as a poet. Fine. (That’s pronounced fee-nay, PaperThinTalented one. See, I can sling arrows too.)

I never said that I was the greatest poet in the world. I don’t make it a point to wear black. I don’t frequent coffee houses. I don’t even call myself a poet, and for the record most of the stuff I posted was written when I was about 13. You are beyond judgemental. You failed miserably in my sociology experiment and I succeeded in pissing you off.  

I’m not angry or outraged- that would require an investment of concern and care. And I believe that I stipulated that I hold neither for you and your would-be pedantic rants. As far as your sociology experiment, I find that laughable. What possible merit could an experiment that is based on dissention and goading have? No, I’m afraid you are clutching at straws, trying to cover your feeble tracks. Don’t try to include me in your games; I’m here for a purpose not because I have no other outlet for my frustrations and emotional impotence. Perhaps it is I struck a nerve. As far as the posting of a pubescent poem goes, again, why would you post old, outmoded work if not for the purpose of improving your skill? Or did you dredge those bits up just so you could go through the motions of writing so that you could come in and bash people to satisfy your own bitter demons? Sociology is not about destruction and manipulation. It is about the development of humanity so that we can all find a shred of value in this world. Leave your trite experiments, if indeed there exist such, to the ants underneath your magnifying glass. And just who is ‘pissed off’ in this scenario? Check your language and the way you feel when you write this. I am merely engaged in rebuttal; you are the one that is casting about threats and stomping your feet. Sociology is not an exact science, but then, given the evidence herein, you are no scientist. Just as you are no credible reviewer.

It must be exhausting to be so long winded. You are all knowing. You are superior. I will bow at your feet now. You don’t need any advice. I read your bio, it’s absolutely fascinating. It was very important in your first sentences to express that you have won many awards, right? Just so we all know how much you probably don’t need any advice. We should just read your work and take it as a proper example.  I know a Nobel Prize winner in my apartment building. You remind me of him. I was joking about the sociology experiment. Try not to take things so seriously. Take a bubble bath, throw on some Enya and relax. I’m sure however you will reply simply because you will want the last word. We all want the last word don’t we? Either that or you won’t reply just to show how mature you are, how this is all beneath you. Your going on 40 and I’m only 22. I  probably have no life experiences of any real value. You should just dismiss me. Make sure not to forget your tiara on the way out.

Cajole if you will; it matters not. I’ll let this stand as my last post to you. I’ll write, publish, live peacefully, and you will…well, probably languish. That is unless you can manage to pull your head out of your rectum before old age snatches you. Which I highly doubt. So good luck to you (you’ll need it with your jaded slant on life and people), and I hope that the crust of misery and bitterness upon you skin doesn’t get too thick and calloused. Adieu.

Okay, first of all, people? Whoa. This is really not what the comment boards are for, of course, and I think you know that. Second of all: wesquptill, where exactly was this published? I ask only because I think you get a feel for a piece when you see where it was published, because each lit mag has a certain personality.

Third of all, wesquptill, with all due respect, you DID request in your bio that we review with impunity, and I did that, so your rather defensive reaction, while possibly expected, seemed a little juvenile. Whatever your feelings are about PaperThinGlass, I am a “credible reviewer” and deserve to be treated with respect as such. A supposed publishing credit isn’t enough to discount the advice and feedback of other people, and certainly not enough to act like the reviewer is too stupid to get the point of your masterpiece. We can all improve, and publication is not proof of the writer’s infallibility or, dare I say (in as general a way as possible), talent. I know this to be true because I’ve had plenty of experience in publishing, both on the editorial and writing sides.

And fourth, you really should not be lobbing such spelling and grammar insults at others when the supposed “genesis of the story”,  the word “tourbillion”, is spelled wrong both in your post to me (and I think in the story—I suspect you’ve changed that since I posted my review).

It’s fine to be proud of and defensive of your work, but it’s not fine to assume that you’re a brilliant yet undiscovered genius and treat those who review the work that you voluntarily submitted to this website as idiots who can’t recognize true talent. We all have different tastes and this requires a certain amount of flexibility in reading your reviews. I’m a bit of a tough critic, but that comes from my editorial experience, and shouldn’t be taken as a personal assault or an accusation of mediocrity. One would think, given your age and the experience you go into detail about in your bio, you would have heard worse by now.

Good luck, and feel free to rip apart at the seams any of my work. That’s why I put it up here, after all.

My apologies, ohdnotthoreau. I accept my culpability in the mudslinging, and this will not be reoccurring. Ever. As for the publication of the story, this took place in the fall of 1999 in a regional publication. Further, it was used to raise money for a children’s hospice charity, subsequent to the printing. I offered the piece to get a real perspective on how I might improve it, should I decide to include it in a later collection of shorts. What I did not expect was the ill-aimed and derogatory statements that my co-defendant proffered. Her statements were steeped in nothing less than acid. There was nothing that could be deemed as useable criticism; moreover, the commentary strayed so far from the salient points that I believed that the atmosphere had acquired hostility. Thus, I was defending myself. Granted, I got swept up in the play of castigation, and for that I wholeheartedly apologize to the population of this site. However, I trust that you will take a second look at the alleged review that my counterpart posted in the beginning. It was interlaced with a vast field of barbs, and nothing positive was offered that might have improved the work in question. Correct me if I’m wrong, but shouldn’t you have levied the same rebuke at the second party as well?
Another point: I feel that you may have misconstrued and taken completely out of context statements that I made.
First, I do not perceive myself to be a ‘genius’; were that the case, I certainly would not have posted my work in a forum such as this. An egotist indulging in literary onanism (as this assertion would lead one to believe is happening) would not lower himself to the common crowd. But that’s not me. I am an aspirant, looking to hone and evolve my own craft. I have received criticism in the past, deeply cutting criticism. And I used it to improve not only the piece in question, but my styling in general. I am nowhere near perfection (and who among us is?), but I am committed to my art. And so are others who have had the fortune to venture inside these chambers. If they are greeted with the same kind of snide, vicious pronouncements as given over by paperthinglass, they may never get the direction they need to become better writers.
Second, beyond a few differences of opinion, I gleaned some very useful things from your critique, and I in no way take umbrage with you. As a matter of fact, after receiving your review (and after posting my all-too-quick response to your post), I went back and re-read the story. Aloud. And I could see, thanks to the critique you gave me, where I could tighten and polish this one. (One quick digression: As one having done editorial work, you must know that variants do occur in spelling, most of which are permissible in presentation form. Thus, my use of the word tourbillion was not in error. Rerence the 11th Edition of Merriam Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, if you need clarification. Both TOURBILLION and TOURBILLON are the preferred spellings. Just thought I’d offer that point. No feather-ruffling intended.)
The undercurent here is that paperthinglass seemed to be looking for a fight, and I never cow before anyone. I have no prejudice against this person. That would mean I care on a personal level, as I stated that I do not. I do, however, think that this person should adhere to giving genuine reviews without peppering it with her own nasty little asides. That is where the canyon of difference lies between she and I: I try, painstakingly, to be helpful and to provide something of substance in my own critical analyses. I did not see that in my counterpart. And I still don’t.
In the future I will refrain from wading into battle with anyone in this forum. Instead I will stay focused on the task at hand, and will continue to look for, and offer, aid from/to the participating populace herein. Thank you for your time.
[Postscript: If you would like to correspond with me outside of this forum, I would certainly invite you to contact me through the message section at the following: http://www.myspace.com/wes_at_large
Good evening to you.]

If you need a hookup with Random House I’ve got it.  I live in an artist’s community where I manage a non profits organization for artists. My b/f (a successful artist who was recently published in Boston Globe Magazine) and I teach a course in street art and the history of it’s culture. I’m not jaded. In fact I thrive on living positively. Don’t assume. Thank You. Good Luck.

PaperThinGlass, I’m afraid that we have gotten off to the wrong footing here. And to continue any enmity would be a travesty. So, if we can perhaps start anew, I would relish the opportunity to forge a better relationship. I apologize for any abrasions I may have caused or any unwarranted stones that I lobbed. Perhaps yesterday was not one of my better ones, and I’ve been known to be more tenacious than is healthy. For anyone. As a very Southern friend of mine used to drawl, “Boy, sometimes you let your bulldog mouth overload your hummingbird ass.” That colloquialism may not necessarily fit here, but you get what I’m trying to drive at. Bottom line: I’m sorry. I took things the wrong way, and couldn’t separate my emotions from rationale. Won’t happen again. So, if you’re amiable, can we start over. We all need as many coaches, readers, and advocates as we can possibly muster, and as ohdnotthoreau stated, I’m old enough to know better than to bridle at the wrong things.
Sincerely,
Wes Guptill

[Postscript: If you wish to converse further, away from this forum, look me up on myspace.com. The URL is http://www.myspace.com/wes_at_large
I regret that this site has no internal email set-up, as it would make things easier. If you’d prefer straight email, then email me at scorpiuswolf@hotmail.com. Thank you, and have a pleasant weekend. Wes-]

Thank you for the apology, I apologize as well. No worries at all. I’m interested to see your Myspace page. Thanks! :)

In case you happened to have missed the introductory piece, the word tourbillon was the very genesis of the story. I constructed the story around that one word, and that was no simple task. As for cluttering, the action sequence is all-inclusive in this piece: The story is nothing but action, the scene meant to relay how the boy found his release through the glider and his brief journey across the sky and landscape. Therefore, I would offer that each of the words/phrases were chosen to punch home the impact of each second as it affected the child. The boy lives within his aircraft, and a harmony, a symbiosis of sorts springs up. The imagery is not meant as anthropomorphism, but, rather, to serve as a device to give Malcolm extension beyond himself. Granted, I used words like playful and jolts, but these were carefully chosen to show how the very world around him was accepting and interacting with him. There is a subtlety here that I was aiming for when composing this piece, which was that the boy is making his advent into the Hereafter. The images and the light-hearted phrasing are there to convey a sense of peace. Do not perceive this as sour grapes, but this piece received several awards and has been selected for possible inclusion in a collection of short stories, and I value not only my prospective editor’s advice to leave the story unchanged, but also the consensus of a broad reader base that warmly received this story upon its initial release in 1999. I do thank you for taking the time to read the piece, but pardon me if I don’t embrace all of the critical analysis. You were close on some of the points, but just not entirely on point. Still, thank you.

Thanks for the nudge. I have never really liked that repetition, but (and this might be the lazier side of my muse talking…)I have never been able to bring myself to change it. But I suppose you’re right- it is a bit juddering, and does undermine the flow and grace of the rest of the story. I will make a concerted effort to alter this. Thank you, again, for the input.