The average American male.
Lo and behold,
On a winter summer night,
I saw something darling,
That was such a fright.
My mind boggled still,
To that such a thrill,
Even with all said,
Gives me a chill.
Sound of the voice,
Be still in my head,
It leads me to images,
Of shame and of dread.
Wipe off my brow,
And clench trembling hands,
My tongue feels like deadwood,
With a mouth full of sand.
Standing still frozen,
Wait for darkness to close in,
Soon a soft part of you,
To the world will be open.
Though I try to be strong,
And do know what is right,
The sound it does call me,
His voice rings delight.
The smell in the air,
The scent of your hair,
I don’t want to do it,
But really don’t care.
A step I hold back,
Remember the track,
I’ve watched you for six weeks,
From a van in the back.
The time is six thirty,
You’ll be home soon,
I’ve checked my watch five times,
By the light of the moon.
So sad is your life,
You live all alone,
How dark and how empty,
Must be your home.
Later you may thank me,
Be ever so grateful,
For ending a life,
That is nothing but dull.
I know I’m not crazy,
Just a tad bit lazy,
fat and gross but Darling,
soon you will beg me!
There! Alas you have come,
Soon I’ll be done,
As you round the corner,
I start to run.
Silent behind you,
My arm rounds your neck,
The sound of shoes scuffling,
Along this old deck.
Dragged into the house,
Your eyes hold such fright,
It’s dark like I said,
As we were out in the night.
My pulse races high,
Your breath comes in gasps,
My hands are so sweaty,
But firm is their grasp.
A whisper in your ear,
There’s nothing to fear,
From this sad existence,
I shall release you my dear.
One hand to my back,
And bring forth cold steel,
To puncture your spine,
Now let’s seal this deal.
Too soon on my part,
Adrenaline through your heart,
With such great strength,
You rend us apart.
From your little black bag,
You bring forth cold steel,
Take up a bead,
Squeeze-bark-smoke,
And sign to the deed.
A smile touches your lips,
The light switch you flip,
I wish to step forward,
But fear I will trip.
In that stead,
I drop to my knee,
Cough bright red froth,
And still can’t believe.
How could this go wrong,
I was supposed to take a life,
Instead I awake screaming,
Lying next to my wife.
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I am sorry, I wasn’t much of a fan of this. A lot of the rhyming seemed forced…I did like the idea behind it, I definitely think you have something to work with.
I like this but some of the rhyme doesn’t fit and sounds stretched but I dont understand the whole ” winter summer” thing? it doesn’t make sense. Read it a couple times for yourself and try to find things that confuse you. Keep writting! You have the talent.
Starts off slow and wordy, I don’t even think you need the first 4 stanzas. Story line is ok, easy to follow. The story’s a little dark and I am not sure about the title. You have good sequencing, rhyme and rhythm, just the occasional awkward line. Thanks
I thought that this was a very interesting piece…great rhythym and tone. It was strange and amusing…like a sad love story that suddenly goes crazy! I loved the picture it created in my brain.
This is very interesting, and I admire it because you rhymed and kept the poem at this length. I find it when this happens that the poet has well articulated their thoughts and knows just what to say and how to say it. I understand this, and it makes me think of lust and seductive murder. It’s a thrilling concept, I’m just not sure if thats what you were trying to convey. Anyway, good poem. Well done.
OK, I like it and the visual images were good and well placed. Interesting place to be; inside the mind of a man. Nice take on it by the way
Wow! very suspensefull, with each verse i read i just had to know what was going to happen the description was vivid and erie as if to be there. i really like the ending i was totally not expecting that thats where the poem would take me. such and enjoyable read i cant wait to read more. thank you for sharing.
melissa
Wow, I could so see this in a book of poems for Halloween or creepy poems to read around a camp fire. This gave me a delightful chill. The visual was very good, even felt like I was the narrator for a second. The beginning was a little confusing because I was not quite sure whose perspective I was seeing, but as it continued, woo what a read. Great work.
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