Thanks for the candid review.Iwish I was 15 again.Good Luck & ask your dad before you read my stuff.Regards,Tom
Poetry / "Sunday Morning Emanuel"
I woke up sober Sunday morning,
no money for a Saturday night.
A fishermans life I’ll flense and flee.
Sun blazes on my naked hooks
pulled from a naked sea
I tie my boat to China beach,
railcars filled with toys and dildos;
trains to take them off to mart.
Hopping off from boat to dock
I look for something steady
in a sea of change.
Compass spinning wildy,
I made a bearing through
dead reckoning.
A billboard sign above the old cannery
pointed the way;
I’d catch the next bus out.
A pensive pace pulled me across
a vacant lot to the billboard sign.
I stood in its shadow,caught a breath
and a glimpse of Emanuel.
He was at the weeded fenceline,
with feral cats,
sitting;
eating something from a Chinese box
“to go”
that he’d found.
And in the comfort of the shade
‘neath that billboard sign, I asked him,
“What are we to do?”
He said the weather and the food were fine,
but no work,”Si,cierro la canneria”.
I said that I’d be on my way,
he sat back along the fence.
I told myself I’d never look back,
But that train followed me
from state to state,
parking lots and billboard signs,
mart to mart.
That billboard in the harbor
never left my mind.
“WorldPort…..Change”
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specialfae reviewed Version 1 -
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you tell an AMAZING story with this piece. I was very drawn to it. A whole story played out in my mind while reading it. Very good!
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Perfect_Shadow15 reviewed Version 1 -
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The flow of this isn’t right. It just like, you read it. And you expect it to be done but theres one more line than needed in every stanza. Its best with even lines like 4 or 6 or 2. Thats the only thing wrong. But I dont get why you say wokeup SUNDAY morning, no money for a SATURDAY night. shouldn’t it be FROM? Keep writting. You have talent and now its your job to shape it and use it! Keep writting. You will improve tremendously and you WILL find a publisher. Happy writing. God Bless.
Lauren
Trenchtownrock reviewed Version 1 -
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I must admit I ws a little confused by the piece but maybe that is my IQ not up to par to your standard of writing. I think I have a bias to anything that sounds like I am back in my college english class looking at jane austin writing. Damn you brought back some evil times.
libby reviewed Version 1 -
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Toys and dildos?! I love it! Incredibly unique and vivid image, well played. This is one of the best story-poems I’ve read in a while, manages to tell the story and still does everything I expect a poem to do for me. I can’t think of much to suggest, but good luck with getting published, in my humble opinion I think you have a great chance.
tedtheodorelogan reviewed Version 1 -
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Such essential use of language, without any superfluous words or trite means of expression. I think you’re on to something here, something worthwhile, something--with a bit more exploration--that could lead to something even more significant. Keep honing your skill.s I’m impressed.
Bosco reviewed Version 1 -
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Hello,
I like this poem and I don’t like much usually. I like your choice of name: Emanuel, “God is with us”. I also like your fresh phrasing and originality. The tone is comfortable and not overbearing.
I was really won over by the word “Flense” it’s a new one to me, had to look it up. Nice word perfectly used, don’t know how I’ve gotten along before without it.
What I couldn’t understand was your cadence. This is possibly the least flowing poem I’ve ever read. Is this on purpose and if so why? It is so halting and start-stop that it must be on purpose. The first stanza illustrates this perfectly, I had to read it out loud to myself over and over to find a voice that would suit it, no joy.
Oh and the title. I don’t like it but maybe I am missing something.
Couple of typos etc.:
Compass spinning wild(l)y,
I stood in its shadow,(space)caught a breath
‘neath that billboard sign (‘neath is so 16th century, under or beneath)
but no work,”Si,(space)cierro la canneria”.
Anyway hope this helps.
Bosco.
hammah reviewed Version 1 -
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This poem has an irregular cantor, something like a cloppity-clop of a horse, that is cool.
I suspect it has something to do with “pensive pace” and “dead reckoning.”
I love the idea of “dead reckoning.”
But for this to tie itself together, you should mention the billboard once before the end, maybe here:
I stood in its shadow,caught a breath under
<< WorldPort Change >>
and a glimpse of Emanuel.
The “to go” empahsis would fit kinda cool.
I hear this with a southern accent.
Sparkles reviewed Version 1 -
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I think it is a dynamic piece of work. I could almost feel with the fisherman and it has a definite root in reality which makes it easy to relate to. It is easy to follow and understand leaving me with a sense of….I would have to say hope.
Salast reviewed Version 1 -
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I like this, it’s very abstract in it’s own way that intrigues me. The only thing that I didn’t like so much is that you left a lot for the reader to have to think through in order to comprehend, but maybe I’m just being lazy today. Nice work.
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