Poetry / The Poet

This is quirky and I kind of liked it. You misspelled “wave” or did you mean something else?

Are you aware this poem has a sexual suggestiveness and was that on purpose?

“my id” is sort of just stuck in the sentence. I think you need to make it part of a phrase to make it clear how it fits into what you’re saying.  

• add/view comments (1)

April 15, 2008

by halebop

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
106	77.8% (9 votes)	24.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
50	M	United States	November 30

Thanks for the review GI,
The poem is one of me looking at my reflection in the stream where I spent much of my youth.My proclivities bleed through all of my works in progress on this site.I enjoy your candor,political angst on your site,Halebop

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

The first paragraph was great.
The second paragraph simply made no sense. “only way into his brain…drink of yesterday again” ?

The third paragraph was plagerism of a popular song, and of every poem ever written,  ” kissed the day goodby” and “my arm around his mind”
Sorry, it started out fine but did not work for me overall. You should also fix the spacing typo’s. (he,looking  was,where  mouth,no  mind;my  bank,my )  

I genuinely loved some parts of this.  This didn’t have a formal structure, but it had a very nice rhythm to it.

The opening line was very charming and sweet – It makes sense with the notes of explanation you provided.  

You mentioned in your criteria for ranking that you want to have this published – if and when that does happen, you won’t be able to explain the meaning of your piece to your readers.  The images and meaning of the poem should stand on their own.

That being said, you do have some very vivid and beautiful images in this piece, including the first line.  Drinking yesterday followed by the kiss – that’s so imaginative.  I can picture the boy drinking from the stream and kissing his reflection – that’s such a realistic and observant image.

Outside of that, I do have a few suggestions.  After the first line, you spend the first stanza posing questions to your reflection and not getting answers.  I didn’t respond as well to that as I did to the painting of the scene that you did in later lines.  I think if you spent more time in the piece creating a world for the reader to experience, this could be amazing!

I enjoyed reading this a lot.

I think everyone can connect with this poem. I think it very beautifully tells how yesterdays are swept away in a stream. The only suggestion I can give is, don’t change a thing.

I like the idea of this poem.  I think the last two lines are my favorite.

One part I think nedds a slight tweak is “My only way into his brain was”....

It doesn’t seem to flow with the other daydreamlike imagery of the poem…it’s not soft like the rest of it.  

I hope this makes sense.

Thanks for sharing!

~E

• add/view comments (1)

April 07, 2008

by GreenIguana

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
396	78.3% (175 votes)	17.7%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
44	F	NY, NY	December 01

just want to comment that I liked “only way into his brain” it goes along with the search for inspiration that you seem to be describing

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

a stream of thought wrought by poets will
can bring white water to a pond that’s still

loved it

• add/view comments (1)

November 28, 2007

by halebop

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
106	77.8% (9 votes)	24.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
50	M	United States	November 30

Thanks for the review,Tom

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

Very nice starting point, but not enough of a full piece.  The idea behind it and the imagery is worth exploring and expanding this piece.

One thing I will point out for now, which stood out like “dogs balls”, is the second side of the comma: it is redundant as the image doesn’t need further explaining. (it comes unbearingly predictable)

In the 4th line of the first stanza I would (this is MY opinon) change it to “asked who he was,where he’d been,” but before this I would finish the preceding line with a semi colon -so the first stanza would end up like this:-

I came upon a poet in a stream,
bent at the waist was he-
     blue eyes sad and crying;
     asked who he was,where he’d been, what he’d seen.
Open mouth,no words were heard.

Of course this fiddles with the feet of your metrical direction but that is some of my input.

I hope you don’t think I am a smart arse. I unconsciously alter errors I feel are there… my bad.

I love the way in which you write the poem ,

  My only way into his brain was
  for us together take a drink of yesterday
  again

That was a lovely way to express about memories…

  From the bank,my memories to me were waiving
  in a slow parade.

This too

it was lovely, defninetly a piece ,which I am going to add to my favourites ,and definetly a peice which i am going to read , feel ,and feel glad when I would be old :)....thank you for this gift ,which you wrote on URBIS ,Hats off and May i add you as my friend? . Greetings from India.

Signed for life
alone363

I read this first without reading the notes and a poem must stand on its own without notes describing what is going on. On the first reading it makes little sense. To come across another looking down in a stream he can’t be looking at someone else. So initially it should be let known in the poem that the narrator is looking at himself. S2 is awkward and makes little sense. I think there is something in this poem that if refined could be of more consequence and lovely, right now it reads as a rough draft.