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Poetry / Unemployed
Through the rain streaked window
to the left of me,
snow flakes blew around in a dizzying pattern.
Whisps of snow snaked down the street and
curled in the corners creating
snowy cyclones that rose and collapsed.
My cat arched her back
on a tower of leather suitcases,
chased her tail, then curled back up in a ball,
asleep in the soft glow
of cloud muted sunlight.
I yawned, pulled my hood up
and curled up in my chair.
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CindiLoftus reviewed Version 1 -
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Too many contridictions. How can there be a cloud muted sunlight, a rainstreaked window and snowflakes blowing… all at the same time? Dump this one and start over. I don’t think it’s good enough to continue working on. You have other stuff that is much more worthy of your time.
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Joel_Mitt reviewed Version 1 -
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This is pretty matter of fact, it never pulled me in. It was like part of a paragraph, I didn’t find much rhythm or flow. I saw some nice alliteration though. What jumped out at me the most was the word “snow.” You use it 3 time in 4 lines. It got exhausted. I would suggest broadening your vocabulary in your description of this winter soaked scene, it would add more depth and help pull the reader in. Try to use multiple different ways to describe snow instead of saying snow did this or snow did that. I’m not sure what the cat had to do with this either?
You do have some fantastic imagery to work with here though. Revisions could help.
Mark_Watson reviewed Version 1 -
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I think your poem addresses the blandness of unemployed life perfectly – the content encapsulating the pure nothingness and boredom of such life perfectly. I would suggest that you switch it into present tense, as its current past tense format seems ‘wrong’ somehow, and removes some of its impact, though the past tense does also add yet more gravitas to the air of boredom in retrospect, but apart from that I think this poem is very good and I enjoyed reading it.
nelson1 reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the image you paint here, the cat, the weather the suitcases, are the suit-cases to represent not being abled to pay the rent or having to move in a with friends, then sitting in the house with outwear on to keep warm, Its the same for those on the sick or even in very low paid jobs with high travel costs. Nice piece of writing, I think you could go more into it with the emotions that unemployment brings with it.
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