Sci Fi & Fantasy / Haven: Chapter 1
As I walk home from a long day’s work I find myself alone in an alley. Being that I am new to New York City I get lost all the time, but finding myself in a dark and grimy alley at 1:45 A.M. is just a little unnerving.
As I become uneasy I tell myself: Lily just get over yourself, no one is here and you’re just going to end up freaking yourself out. When I begin walking again I hear the soft splash of water under my steps. The ground is wet from the rain earlier this morning. When I get to the middle of the alleyway I swear I hear an extra pair of footsteps, so I stop, and they stop too. I call out “Is anyone there?” No one answers, and thank God because if they did I don’t know what I would’ve done. I begin to walk again and hear the echoes of feet again. I stop. Nothing. I start again, but the echo just won’t go away. I start to run. This time I’ll fool them (or myself). I stop suddenly and find myself sliding to my ass. Damn I should’ve bought better shoes; I then notice the steady “spat, spat” that my feet made when I was walking. The only problem though was I wasn’t walking, I was sitting.
“Hello? You can come out now”, I call into the darkness. The sound of footsteps stops. I slowly lift myself off the wet ground. I dust my hands off and compose myself. “I know you’re out there”, I yell to the stillness. I stand peering into the dark (isn’t this the beginning of a horror movie). As I turn around a shadow of something overhead flashes across the ground. I look up and see nothing. “It was just a bird”, I whisper aloud.
I’m almost at the end of the alleyway when I hear a soft chuckle. It sounded like a child that’s up to something, but nobody knows what. I walk faster and reach the end of the alley, but there’s a problem; it’s a wall. I turn around and gaze into the dark- “shit” was all I managed.
I began to walk back the way I came when, in a deep growl, a voice said, “I would not go that way if I were you.” My heart starts to pound. “Wha, Wha… Who’s there?”
I said I would not go back that way.” A man comes out from the corner I was just in. He has dark black hair hanging in his face. His face was unbelievably handsome with his prominent cheekbones. Under his eyes where brown circles as if he hasn’t slept in years, but that didn’t matter because of his green eyes. They were a deep emerald but lighter than pastel. They were so sharp, so keen that they could slice your heart in a second. My eyes ran over the rest of his body. His skin was the color of death. His arms lanky, but for whatever reason I knew that he could snap me in half if he wanted. He wore ripped jeans and a t-shirt with the sleeves torn off. He had a trench coat the color of violet almost black wrapped around his shoulders. “Oh by the way you can call me Haven and again you should not go that way.”
“And what way do you expect me to go, up?” He just looks at me.
“Anyway but that way.” He point in front of me. “Why can’t I go that way?” I ask. He looks at me confused and then says, “Don’t you know?”
“Know? Know what?”
“You’re marked” and then nodding toward the direction I was going says, “and they are waiting for you- to kill you.
“Marked? What’s tha… wait did you just say ‘they are waiting to kill me’? Who are you and what the hell is going?”
“I told you already, you can call me Haven.”
I start to back away from him and he tells me to stop but I just run. My ankles are wet from the puddles, but I don’t care because this guy, this Haven wasn’t natural. I tell myself if I can get to the end of this Alley I’m safe. I see the street lights.
“Yes.”
“No!” There were five people in trench coats walking towards me. Two men had brown hair, one had black, one had red and in the middle was the only female who had platinum hair. Her skin was that of a ghost but shimmered, and she dressed all in red.
“Hi Lily, you have to go with us”, the chick in red said.
“Go where? Why?”
“To our cave, our ‘home’ as you would call it. Because that is what Annabelle said, and we do not ask questions we just do.”
“I’m not going any where with you until you tell me what the hell is going on.” I try to say this with confidence, but it wasn’t very helpful.
“You will come with us,” says a voice behind me. I turn around to see who it was and found the red head standing behind me grinning. I look back at the other four where he was standing just seconds ago, and then back where he is now. “How, wha… who are you guys?” I stammer.
“My name is Nash,” he grabs my wrist, “and you will be coming with us now.”
“Nash let go of her.” I look past the guy holding me and see Haven. His eyes are glowing hot with rage.
“Oooh look who it is. Haven what are you doing here? Do you have a death wish; you know Annabelle wants your heart on a platter?” said the girl in all red.
“Well at least I can say that I have balls and am not a bitch like you five.”
“Hsssss” was the sound that replied as the other four took a step forward with eyes of fury, ready to pounce. Nash says, “No, brothers (and sisters) we must not worry about him right now for she is our concern.” He turns toward Haven and says, “Now, Haven go back to where ever you are hiding because I can assure you the hunters will be back tomorrow. Come on we are to go back, for in three hours time the sun will appear.”
The man named Nash throws me over his shoulder, but before he has a chance to take a step Haven had him by the hair. He lifted me off his back and roughly set me down and tells me not to move if I want to live. Before I had a chance to respond Haven and the five were fighting.
As they fought there was a change in their appearances. Their faces seemed to slender out and their agility was keen to all elements around. They were able to move with such elegance and grace that it was almost like watching a movie in slow motion, while at the same time in hyper speed. I kept my eyes on Haven at all times, but found that there were moments when I lost him altogether. At one point he disappeared and everything stopped. The five froze in their tracks and for a second I thought we were on pause, but then the red girl yells, “Nash, grab the girl.” He runs to me but just as he reaches for my collar I was picked up and in the air flying over buildings. When I looked up I saw Haven holding me.
“Where did you come from?” I look back down and realized I must be at least 100 feet in the air. That’s when I freaked out, “Let me go, let me go.” I start to struggle, but then Haven takes and pulls me tight against his chest to where I can’t even wiggle in his arms. He tells me to just wait and then he’ll answer any questions I might have.
About five minutes later we land at the steps of my apartment. I push myself away from Haven and scrounge for my keys. I open the door and run inside and up the stairs to my fourth floor apartment. I hastily open my door and then slam it shut. I lock my door and begin locking all of the windows. I finally sit down and start wondering, What the hell just happened?
“You were almost taken by five of the most dangerous creatures on this planet- you would call them ‘vampires’.”
I turn around and by the door is Haven. I just sat there starring. I finally will myself to say “get out of my house”, but it didn’t sound too reaffirming. “No”, he says, “if you die then so do I and I’ve lost too much to lose anything more… Now what do you want to know or should I start from the beginning…”
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Good story, it hints to what may be a very original plot. Well written. In the sentence “It sounded like a child that’s up to something, but nobody knows what.” the last phrase is not needed, and it detracts from the reading. There is a lot of action and it is described at a good pace in most of the piece, except for example, the sentence around line # 38 could be re-written to make it more understandable.
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You used too much adolescent style of language. I can tell the protagonist is young, but the narration should not rely on young adult cliche’s.
”...find myself sliding on my ass.” This phrase is too passive, it would work better to put the action on the front end.
She was on the wet ground, but then she dusted herself off? How about writing that she dried her hands on her jeans.
“I stand peering into the darkness (isn’t this the beginning of a horror movie).” This would work so much better if you could give us some real fear. What is she feeling? How is her body reacting? The readers cannot get inside her skin unless you put us there. Also, drop the parenthesis, and after getting us unside her head if you want to use the line about the horror movie, although I don’t think it’s necessary, then say something like, “I remembered laughing at all the horror movies I had ever seen; now that I feel like I am in the beginning of one, the humor is lost on the real terror I’m feeling.”
Please work on your descriptions. ”They were deep emerald but lighter than pastel.” Dark green eyes that were light? How could she see that Haven’s sleeves had been ripped off under his trenchcoat?
You have an interesting story that once fleshed out could be quite good.
You’ve done a good job of setting up the atmosphere of this story. It’s nicely creepy, but there’s still some humor. I’d kind of like to see a more original starting point than an alleyway, maybe a small city park or something. I like Lily’s voice. It’s a good idea to keep it in first person. You did a great job establishing her fear and her rationalizations. Those rationalizations should carry on further into the story. I think this girl is familiar with denial.
I think the dialog in this needs work. Your characters reveal too much, too soon. Why would Haven start out by saying his name? Maybe wait until she asks “who are you?” I liked the dialog with “You shouldn’t go that way.” Where does he expect her to go, exactly? Maybe have him look around, or smack himself in the head because he’d forgotten as a human (I’m guessing) Lily can’t just climb the back wall.
The fight at the end should be extended just a little. Keep the feeling from the beginning, and let things get confused. Lily isn’t going to see every single detail, things are going to be a blur.
As for the ending, it’s pretty good. I’d be willing to read more. One thing. Why does Haven know where she lives, and why doesn’t she ask him about that?
“As I walk home from a long day’s work I find myself alone in an alley. Being that I am new to New York City I get lost all the time, but finding myself in a dark and grimy alley at 1:45 A.M. is just a little unnerving.”—Move the “dark and grimy” description to the first sentence so we have a clear image of the surroundings from the get-go. ”Being that” is conversational vernacular and reads horribly. Replace it with “Since” or “Because”. You have said “finding yourself” twice in as many sentences. How did you get there? Did you walk? Dropped off by a cab? Take the subway? Teleported from Mars? Maybe say “walking down a dark and grimy alley” instead of “finding myself.”
“As I become uneasy I tell myself: Lily just get over yourself”—Drop the entire first half of this and just treat the words like inner dialogue: Lily just get over yourself… Don’t tell us that you tell yourself something. Just say (or think) it.
“When I begin…”, “When I get…”—Starting sentences with “When” or “As” is unnecessary. You can pretty much just drop them. Otherwise, it sounds like you are telling someone a story instead of trying to bring them into it.
“it was almost like watching a movie in slow motion, while at the same time in hyper speed”—Sorry, that one just throws me. I don’t see it.
“I look back down and realized I must be at least 100 feet in the air.”—“Realized” should be “realize” since you are writing in the present tense. Also, 100 should be written out as “one-hundred” or “a hundred”.
“He tells me to just wait and then he’ll answer any questions I might have.”—Might be better to do his reply as dialogue instead.
“but it didn’t sound too reaffirming”—I wouldn’t use contractions in the narrative.
It’s a bit rough but it seems to be off to a good start overall. I like the setting of New York in a sci-fi/fantasy bit.Usually you only see it happen in Chicago,Detroit, or St. Louis for some reason,not the big apple.A bit more revisions and sentence structuring and you could be well on your way. i think the writing is too similar to the dialouge,blending it together into a bit of confusion here and there.
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