Time slips like a drop of rain, can I sustain it where it falls?
The clouds are sailing, the world is at my fingertips.
Here, where I catch my breath and contemplate the words I’ll choose to tell, is where I feel untouchable.
Where should I begin?
I’m describing such a wonder.
When heart is to heart, there passion is defined.
Such a power to bond them and hold them together through their words. I hope we’ll talk forever.
Can I show you where I’ve fallen?
Let me take you down.
Then into your ear I’ll whisper, ‘I love you. I mean it’.
Your words will stain my every days and I’ll never forget moments of rapid heartbeats and our fingers laced.
And although time still slips away, here with you is where I can sustain it where it falls. Minutes move right through us. We’re timeless, love.
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It was a really nice peice. It seamed more like poetry to me, but it still had that nice touch that most romance stories start with. The only sugestion I have is I wouldn’t write “I mean it” If you really do, then that person can see it in your eyes. Good work!
This is amazing. The imagery and comparisons (similes and metaphors) add depth to the piece. I get the feeling that the narrator is half thinking to him/herself (gender is not specified), half talking to his/her lover. It’s kind of abstract and yet very concrete, which I like.
I liked the imagery you used and I thought the sentiment expressed here, especially in the last stanza, was very sweet. The flow of it was choppy though. Perhaps you could split some of the longer lines and reword them a little to make it flow better. Overall, I really enjoyed it and look forward to reading more of your work. Thanks for sharing!
I liked it .. You could have been more Discriptive, about where the place was being talked about.. like a beach or a park somthing that would bring the Senery to Life!
I like the descriptive nature of this piece but it lacks the depth it needs to really bring it home. You definitely have talent, best of luck to you!
Very good effort for someone your age. I can’t imagine how good you’ll be in 10 years!
I’m less wild about the first line’s metaphor than the second line’s. Love the sailing clouds – simple but bang on, could not be better given clouds shape. Superb. S1 is highly expansive – sublime even – I really like it.
Not keen on the placement of ‘there’ in S2L3. This is because the ‘when’ of that line temporalises rather than localises the subsequent ‘heart to heart’, so i found the ‘there’ in conflict. You could just delete ‘there’ but syllables are then sub-optimal, so create a new word or structure.
I might straddle ‘into your ear’ with commas. Then possibly a colon, not comma, after ‘whisper’. Then consider new stanza perhaps?
Not sure if the pluralisation of ‘days’ is in conflict with ‘every’. Shouldn’t it be ‘day’ ?
I’d consider deleting the ‘and’ after heartbeats, adding a comma there, anf then insert ‘of’ before ‘our’.
I might consider inserting ‘our’ between ‘although’ and ‘time’ to personalise that time.
Really love the ‘minutes move…” bit.
I think you have a lot of potential. Good imagery, and simply written but deep at the same time. Hope this helps. 8/10.
This is really nice, very engaging. It reads to me like the beginning of a novel or a short story.
“I love you, i mean it”. Nice work.
That was sweet, although “we’re timeless, love” sound slightly odd to me, mostly because “love” sounds like something someone’s grandmother would call them, but other than that, no complaints.
[Can I show you where I’ve fallen?
Let me take you down.
Then into your ear I’ll whisper, ‘I love you. I mean it’.]
This wasn’t hot romance. It felt like an innocent love. Maybe even a loss of love. I think it needed more.
It’s not my favorite, but I have issues with understading all poems. This piece did soften my heart after reading another piece that was hot and steamy. I think you could go far as a writer, but as with all, a little improvement could help.
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