Haiku/Senryu / Brown-eyed Susan

i think ‘deceased ancestry’ might have been a more amusing final line.

this aside, it’s a peculiar image. i’m not really that sure what you’re going from with this one. i guess the image is neither that exciting, and nor is there that ‘magical transition’ that makes a select portion of haikus so successful.

i think picking a characteristic other than ‘brown-eyed’ that ties in with the final line or second line might work better.

bottom line is, it’s not really a haiku for me, other than that it is 5-7-5, but i think you gotta do more than just string the syllables together.

keep trying.

The moment would seem ripe for haiku, a flower in a graveyard.  (I’m assuming this is the image, and that ‘Sue’ is not someone underground.  If the latter is the case, this doesn’t seem to work as haiku or senryu at all.)

I appreciate that you don’t go for the easy metaphor of life rooted in death, that you attempt something fresher.  My problem though is one of meaning.  How does a flower ‘seek ancestry’?  This wrecks the natural imagery, giving the flower a human quality that just doesn’t work, in my opinion.