Humor/Satire / My Thankgiving
I plan on celebrating this holiday in as true a manner befitting those Puritans who gave it it’s name and began the idea that is America. But I don’t want to stop at just that day. I want to celebrate what it represents, what it meant, and where it led us as a nation in a time we think of as our glorious past.
To this end the festivities will start on Thanksgiving when I will be hunting down Native Americans and killing them and their families with all manner of weapons ranging from muskets to pox riddled blankets I’ll drop off in their conveniently always needy communities.
On Friday I’ll leer at some pretty young white women and when they show no interest I’ll accuse them of being witches and sorcerers and get my fellow participants to put them on trial, tie them to stakes, and burn them.
But the celebrating of our rich history that started with that merry band of repressed psychotics doesn’t end there. On Saturday I will plant a tobacco field in my backyard where I’ll force local Kingston black men and boys to work it at gunpoint. They will also be kept shackled to each other and guarded by others for long periods so I can have a go at their women folk who won’t be as resistive as the witches who we burned all that entitlement and haughtiness manifest in not having sex with me, right out of.
So after we fornicate with the slaves wives and daughters they will be impregnated (these are all ritual acts of course-like a parade) and on Sunday I will club the newborn ritual infants with bibles until they cower in fear at the book which I will then have read to them everyday by their parents as both learn to accept this lifestyle and oppression and sublimate their hope and need for freedom and self worth into a made up invisible world they can go to if they continue to act real meek and generally accept their material and Earthly lot.
What a weekend that will be I tell you.
On Monday, upon hearing that some of those blacks are starting to get uppity and are even forming alliances with some of the poorer and less fortunate local whites, I will get the whites of my stature together to drum up reasons to overthrow the government in a bloody revolution that will redirect the slaves and poor whites energies and hatred away from me and my kind. It will also conveniently kill many of them.
It will also make me more money as I won’t have to pay taxes and tithes on goods or to answer to anyone when it comes to making laws that do right by me. Of course I will say I hadn’t thought of that.
Really I hadn’t.
It’s just these damn British-Neoconservatives-Terorists, get me so mad I can notteth think straighteth!!
On Tuesday north and south Kingston will war over that whole slave issue. I will take the Northern abolitionist side despite my having owned slaves and profited from them. The Front St/Wall St area will be burned to the ground during this ceremony. I’m hoping serendipity will be on our side and the president will happen to get assassinated this week as well.
I will complete the week by moving west across my backyard setting up claims on holes there and quickly moving on after each spots resources have been exhausted. I will scam many people on fake claims in the process and just generally take advantage of the lawlessness and naivete this expansion and hope will breed in people desperate enough to want to spend their holidays in my backyard because they’re so fucked up. Due to this, rules and law will be made up a we go, always coming after I have gained as much power and wealth from the prior lawlessness as possible.
So there it is. Anyone who wants to celebrate a real American Thanksgiving with me is welcome to join in on the fun (African Americans will have no choice of course).
Wait till you see what I have planned for Christmas!
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If you were going for words to inflame, you definitely reached your goal. This piece makes you think, but the fact that it was so “in your face” was off putting. Ex:”To this end the festivities will start on Thanksgiving when I will be hunting down Native Americans and killing them and their families with all manner of weapons ranging from muskets to pox riddled blankets I’ll drop off in their conveniently always needy communities”.
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“I’m hoping serendipity will be on our side and the president will happen to get assassinated this week as well.” I love it!
This, dear one, is what satire is all about! It was lovely and cynical and absolutely unconventional.
You now have a true fan in me.
I’d love to offer critique – but you’ve got it all down pat. Your sentence structure is wonderful – your grammer is sublime – you’ve even managed to get your punctuation correct!
I can’t tell you how refreshing it is to read a truly great article once in awhile. Please keep it up – I will read anything you write.
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