Romance / As if

Such longing spills forth from this piece.
The repetition of ‘as if’ enhances that longing.

If I read closer though there appears to be a love/hate relationship here.

The first 6 sentences speak of wishing someone would want/love you as you do them, but the last 3 turn the tables suddenly and that is where my love/hate definition comes from. Perhaps i am reading it wrong?

I really enjoyed this.  There is only one part that does not fit the theme of this poem. The stanza that begins with “Hear…”  The second line just does not fit here.  Throughout the poem, you are trying to convince her to love you, but here you seem to be saying that none of this is for her.  Did you mean to do that?

“Kiss me with your lips once more
As if we made love.”
   Maybe make the second line, “As if we’d just made love.” It might flow better.

“Speak to me enticingly
As if you you really meant it.”
Delete the second “you” in the second line…

Over all it’s a good piece with a lot of potential. Where do you cross the line between lovers, and being loved?

Good use of rhythm. Very sad, very expressive. As If conveys a sort of sense of loss, heartache, and a desperate yearning for love, but ends in a line that conveys a sense of cold, almost angry, distance. Nicely done and well-written.

Typo: “Hear me pleade my heart and soul” -plead doesn’t end in an ‘e’.

• add/view comments (1)

August 12, 2007

by ElFaught

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
40	92.9% (14 votes)	100.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
46	M	Nocona, TX	December 04

Thank you  :)

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.