Thank you for all your advice indeed. This is infact the first draft of this writing, I hate that when posted to this website it was all one big block, but I am working on it still to try and make it better!!
Thank you again for you review!
xSandi
Short Story / Is It A Dream Or Not?
Another sleepless night, wondering what dream you shall have tonight, wondering what will comfort you in your sleep, wondering if there is anyone out there to scare you once again. You lay your weakened body down to sleep, afraid to close your eyes; you glance around the room aimlessly trying to see through the dark, trying to make out what’s there. You close your eyes, listening to every little sound; you begin to think and slowly begin to drift to sleep. You begin to dream, but not knowing its happening. You’re walking down a dark road alone; it’s foggy and kind of chilly. You begin to hear all these weird noises seeming to get closer and closer to you and getting louder and louder the more times you hear them, you begin to run trying to escape the fright and shaken limbs, you come to a stranded car. You run around the car checking all the doors you’re so scared you just want to get inside to hide, finally you find the driver side door is unlocked, you climb into the car and slam the door close locking all four doors and you sit there breathing hard and praying for the noises to go away, when all of a sudden the noises just stop. You open your eyes and glance around out the windshield; you see nothing and hear nothing, but you’re still wondering what the noises were and where they were coming from. After being in the car for at least an hour you begin to explore what’s inside. You open the glove compartment and there is a gun inside, you kind of draw back when you see it, but then you reach inside and pull it out, and you realize it’s loaded. You stick the gun down into the inside pocked of your jacket. You being to reach down beside the seats, look under the seats, and in the floor boards, then you have realize that you’ve searched the whole entire front of the car, and found nothing but, ten dollars, a gun, and a couple of cigarettes. You climb over the seat and get into the back of the car. You search those floor boards, and you look under the back of the front seats. You then realize you can look into the trunk from the inside of the car, so you pull down one of the back seats and all of a sudden someone’s hand flops out onto your lap, you begin to scream frantically jumping back over the front seat. You’re in shock from what you have just found hiding in the trunk, you sit there crying and screaming, shaking all over wanting to just be somewhere safe and warm, wanting to be in the arms of the one you love. After a few moments of collecting your thoughts, you then get brave and crawl back over the seat to search the body for the car keys, you search all their pockets coming across their wallet, you open it and read their ID, the name is, Jeremiah Harrison, you know by the name it’s a guy, you open the passenger back door and step out calming, you the begin to pull Jeremiah’s body out further to search any forgotten pockets. As you tug on his arm to get him out of the trunk you see his long candy apple read hair falling over his lifeless pale face. As you pull more you hear a sound of falling keys, you then begin to search frantically in a rage to find the keys, and you decide to climb back in the car but you’re afraid to because you’d have to climb over his body. You climb in and try to miss bumping his cold body, as you’re climbing over him you begin to hear an odd noise, you then notice a tattoo on his arm, it’s a barbwire. You pull up his sleeve to have a better look, but when you get the sleeve pulled up he opens his eyes and begins to scream the most frantic scream you’ve ever heard in your life, you begin to scream with him of fright. He begins to move and ends up sitting right beside you. You push your body up against the other side of the car to try to stay away from him, your eyes as big as marbles, your heart racing as through you’ve been running. You stare at him watching every move he makes; he then begins to search his pockets without saying a word. You stare at him wondering what he is looking for, you then look away and he asks “do you have a smoke?” you lean up over the front seat and grab the ones you found and hand them to him, he thanks you and then lights one up. He takes a few drags and then asks “would you like one?” you smile and say “no thanks”. You sit there beginning to calm down from the shock and you ask quietly “do you have the car keys”, he pauses and looks at you, and he answers “no, I did but I don’t know where they are now”, you begin to look into the trunk, but you’re not able to see much because it’s dark, so you ask for his lighter, he gives it to you, you then begin to search in the trunk with the light of the lighter and you see a key chain, you reach for it and pull it to you, you then shake them to him, and ask “are these them?” he looks at them, and nods his head taking another drag from his cigarette calmly. You crawl over the seat and get into the driver’s seat, you stick the keys in the switch and begin to turn them, the car will not start, you put your head on the steering wheel in disappointment and Jeremiah crawls over the seat and sits next to you and says “you have to pump the gas peddle”. You then turn the keys again and pat the gas, the car starts and you begin to shout in happiness. Jeremiah looks over at you and starts laughing lightly, you look over at him and asks “where you heading to?” he smirks and says, “I honestly don’t know” you pull a U-turn in the middle of the road and begin to go the way you were running from, hoping to find a destination. You come to an intersection, you stop and look at Jeremiah and you ask “do you know where we are” he gets quite and looks at you and says “well there is a sign right over there that says Arizona, so I think that’s where we are” you begin to laugh and he begins to laugh with you, you look over at him and say “smart ass”. You take the left there hoping to come across a gas station because you have to have some or you will be stranded again. You drive for at least two hours and you finally come across a gas station and the car is on empty, you both begin to pray to make it there. You make it to the gas station and with the ten dollars you found in the car, you use that since its all you have. It’s still dark out, almost morning though, the sky beginning to get light, the sun coming up over the horizon. You get the gas and begin to drive again, you drive up the road into the rising sun and then you wake up. You lay there in your bed wondering where that dream came from; you get up and get dressed. You walk outside and sitting in the drive way is the car, the one in your dream, you rub your eyes thinking you’re seeing things, hoping you’re seeing things, then you look again and it is still there, you walk over to it and there is no one inside, the keys are in the switch so you get them out and walk to the back of the car, you stand there afraid to open the trunk, afraid of what might be inside. You slowly put the key in the hole, you turn it and open the trunk with your eyes closed. You then open your eyes slowly and look inside; there is nothing, no body, nothing. You sigh in relief and close the trunk back, as you begin to walk back inside and you look up and standing in your front door is Jeremiah Harrison, the guy from your dream, his long candy apple red hair matted, and his barbwire tattoo showing. You stop in your tracks and just stare at him, he looks at you and ask “what, you look like you’ve just seen a ghost or something?” you begin to laugh loudly and he walks over to you and says “are you okay?” you nod your head and say “I think I need to lay off the drugs” he begins to laugh with you and you both go back inside. THE END!
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
TabulaLife reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
At times confusing in format, at other times insightful in a way. I’m unsure as to the perspective of this, but simply put, with some minor revising this might turn out to be really interesting. Also of note, the almost omnipresent quality is an interesting choice.
- add/view comments (0)
MARCH reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
candy apple read-i think you mean red
I know this might sound crazy, but I think it’s to long. Other than that you did a good job trying to make us feel it was happening to us. You should give a little more detail about Jeremiah though. Overall I liked the idea, but once I got to the end I was kind of confused overall.
ShiriHatcher reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Haha. I found your writing to be entertaining. The story through all of its contents is good from start to finish. I never read a literature that involed “You” being in a first person point of view which is good on your side of things. Your short story was impressive because not only that it could amuse readers, it is simple enough for them to understand it. For example, this paragraph you wrote…:
“You then realize you can look into the trunk from the inside of the car, so you pull down one of the back seats and all of a sudden someone’s hand flops out onto your lap, you begin to scream frantically jumping back over the front seat. You’re in shock from what you have just found hiding in the trunk, you sit there crying and screaming, shaking all over wanting to just be somewhere safe and warm, wanting to be in the arms of the one you love.”
It was somewhat suspenseful while at the same time, it would make us wonder who was this person that the character had found. Also if any other human was in that situation, I can bet that we could of done the same or tried to stay calm while you think that person is died. I liked the paragraph because it gave us reason to actually feel what the character felt and discover their quirks/personality. Without that, the character’s interesting. Keep on writing.
-Shawnice
420BC reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I really like the narrative form you chose. And the dream that turns out to be real was cool. This story was lacking in the details. It’s not enough to tell me I’m scared of something, you still need invoke all the feelings of the character to the reader. Basically, all the places where you use broad, informal words like weird, kind of, just, there’s probably details that you are not taking the time to fully describe. Also, every realization and change of direction in the story is a chance to add all those tiny little insignificant details that make the story real.
Nani reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Second person is pretty hard to pull off; if you decide to stick with it, you need some synonyms for “you” you could frequently just leave ‘you’ off entirely, such as making changes like this in the sentence:
” You run around the car checking all the doors -- so scared, just want to get inside to hide -- the driver side door is unlocked. Climb into the car,slam the door ...”etc. The constant use of ‘you,’ it’s soooo repetitive, wearing to keep reading it over and over.
You have a tendency toward including phrases that just go without saying, you could delete them, as in: “You’re in shock from what you just found..” and ”...you know by the name it’s a guy…” and “the guy from your dream…”
Aside from spell checking the whole thing, (my final criticism, really), I think the story has promise; has a pretty good surprise ending. Just needs a lot of work, perhaps this is your first draft.
Harold_P reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Did you know this is a huge block of words?
Ha. I am such a wit. I actually think this bunched-up style suits your subject matter and the story in general. You are using excessive repetition, or tautology as the experts call it, in the same stylistic nuance as Irvine Welsh in Trainspotting.
The second person is never a favourite of writers, but when pulled off can be an effective way to distance or alienate the reader. I think this piece did that for me, its rhythm was so relentless that I found it harder to escape the grip of the character’s predicament.
An interesting experiment, even if I wasn’t sure what the overall purpose of the exercise was.
Harold_P
serqua reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I could see the ending coming but over all it was a good read. You have a gift for writing. I think you actually over set the scene though. It made it almost too predictable. I like the part when they get to Arizona. That was a good add in my mind. You got a chuckle out of me. Poor Jeremiah Harrison…LOL… You robbed him in your dream. After he was dead to boot. Get some sleep… Just a little advice for your main character in this piece.
LMPATE reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
It was a good story and has a good twist. Some of the sentence drag on way too long. The thoughts need to be condensed or made into my lines. I felt that my mind couldn’t take a breath they were so long. maybe reading the story outloud would help. I feel it needs more work but has very good possibilities.
Here are two spelling errors:
You being to reach down beside the seats, – Should be begin
he gets quite and looks at you and says - Should be quiet.
Harvest reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
This story is set up in a huge block of writting. Your are going to have to determine the parts that you want to separate. But this absulutely needs to be broken down into different paragraphs. you may want to look at the set up of already pubished stories for the right format to write prose, because it really takes away from it. Remember your Logos, Ethos, and Pathos. The logic of what you are writting – how valid your information is, the actual format and organization of the piece, and how appealing it is to the audience. The dialogue has to be sparated into different paragraphs for each speaker or character.
this is written in second person, present.. something very uncommon in prose or short stories in general.
Fix your format!
Erick Castrillon
Johnpaul reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
wondering what dream you shall have tonight, wondering what will comfort you in your sleep, wondering if there is anyone out there to scare you once again.
I realize the dramatic touch, however, wondering is repeated to often for my taste in this beginning passage.
I like the idea of being inside a dream state it is fun as a reader to experience that. It is a journey you provided and I thank you for that.
You stick the gun down into the inside pocked of your jacket.(Spelling)Unlike the repetition in the beginning I do like the use of the word you in this story. It is almost like you are instructing us instead of simply narrating.
hen you have realize that you’ve searched the whole entire front of the car, and found nothing but, ten dollars, a gun, and a couple of cigarettes.(grammar) You definitely need to do a brush up on this piece. A strong re-write. I wouldn’t give up on it though. I like the description and the overall idea. The ending made me chuckle.
Showing 1 - 10 of 11
Next →
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
11 Reviews 3 Comments
Version 1
Latest Activity: 6 months ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 81 Times
Skipped: 3 Times
Ratings & Rankings
