Hey loganrapp,
Thanks for your thoughts on the piece and the tip, very helpful. I’ll look for it tonight.
Novel Treatments / The Weaver's Tale-Chp1 revised
A breeze rippled through the brittle leaves of the old trees standing like sentinels around a grassy hill. Long green blades swaying gently added texture to the wind’s quiet song. Evening came as the sun slowly dipped into the woods on the far horizon, splashing the sky in brilliant hues of orange and pink. A lone figure stood on the crest of the ancient hill his back to the sun. From far off he might have been mistaken for an onyx statue or the shattered remains of a tree trunk left jutting from the ground to explain his stone-like ability to ignore such a sight. But then, a gust of wind caught his cloak and tried to lift it from his shoulders. As if by magic, a slender brown hand appeared from its dark recesses to draw it close about him once again. His hood billowed and threatened to fly off allowing his dreadlocks to peak out from its retreating edge but it did not distract from his purpose. It was the east and creeping night that held his rapt attention.
A makeshift perch, two pieces of wood set like a cross, rattled in the wind, its shaft buried deep in the ground next to him. A long colorful cord hung from its end, a little bell tied in a slipknot chiming a lonesome tune but Sil did not hear its song, for he gave everything he had to his urgent search. He knew she was out there somewhere, he could feel her presence nudging gently at the edges of his own. As evening faded into night, the winds settled and the sounds of the forest trickled to a buzz. Still he searched, the only movement now, his green cat like eyes that glowed as they scanned the approaching darkness.
At the foot of the hill in the increasing blackness of the tree shade a tall figure, dark cloak hanging loosely on his thin frame, stepped out from the trees. He made no movements yet his powerful presence drew Sil’s eyes like a silent call. A shiver went through his body. Sudden and whip like he snapped the perch in two, pulled the cord from the cross bar and with one last glance at the night sky, made his way quickly down the hill.
An old friend warns of trouble to the east, Bodrum flashed in the ancient hand signals used by Tashungai warriors, then turned into the woods due east. Sil did not stop but cursed himself for being so foolish. Exposed on the hilltop with the setting sun as a backdrop, his silhouette could be seen for miles. It was reckless and threatened both their lives. Not much caused Bodrum to fret and if he said there was trouble it could mean only one thing.
Sil peered up into the canopy of the trees searching for fragments of the night sky, hoping to find only winking stars or nothing at all. His heart jumped as a bird launched itself from a tree. He took a deep breath and tried to relax. The pace Bodrum set was urgent but not taxing. It was fear that caused his heart to race. He could count the number of times he had felt fear in his life and each one with good reason; this did not bode well for the near future.
Blinking rapidly to fight the beads of sweat now streaming into his eyes he checked the path to be sure the tall dark figure of Bodrum was still in front of him. The trail became narrower as they moved deeper into the woods the sounds of its other inhabitants now strangely quiet. A drooping branch snapped in his passing. He cringed. There was no time to cover their trail but it did not matter. Anything walking the paths tonight was the least of their worries.
Blue beams of moonlight bounced off the wet tree bark on the trail just ahead as a small clearing opened before them. Bodrum slowed scanning their path as if looking for something that waited in the shadows. At a twisted oak tree he stopped, gave a warning glance and stepped off the trail into the woods. He disappeared without a sound. Sil slipped his hand inside his cloak, a grim calm settling over him. The familiar feel of leather and steel had a way of doing that to him. Then he followed.
They crawled through a thicket of short shrubs surrounding a tall leaning tree. Sil’s heart pounded as he pressed through the dense foliage, his heavy cloak draped over his body like a blanket, creating a warmth that quickly drenched him in sweat. At last they came to the crook of an old gnarled root at the edge of the clearing. Sil crawled up behind Bodrum leaning on a raised knot to survey the open area. Nothing could be seen in the pale glow of the moon but a shimmering field of tall grass before the trees picked up again on the other side.
As he turned back to Bodrum, Sil caught sight of a young doe stepping cautiously out of the woods into the clearing. Bewilderment clear on his face, Sil laid his head on the tree root, the damp bark digging into his cheek, as he looked to his friend for answers. Wet leaves stuck to Bodrum’s cloak making him look like a mound of earth come to life as he leaned in to speak. They were so close now the edges of their hoods touched forming a small dark room lit only by the glow of Sil’s green eyes.
“To the northeast on the far side there is a tree its branches sticking straight out, there you will find an old friend.” Even as he whispered Bodrum’s low rumbling voice seem to fill the deep quiet.
Sil noticing at once that the doe had stopped to feed at the near edge of the clearing. Looking to the northeast he quickly found the tree, its strange thick branches making it stand out among its peers but he could see nothing else. Minutes passed as he watched the tree, his breath falling into the slow measured rhythms of Bodrum’s, the knot of worry that had planted itself in his stomach loosening with each breath.
The doe’s head suddenly jerked up from a thick clutch of grass screaming for Sil’s attention but just then two small flashes of amber appeared from a dark crevasse left in the tree where it had been ripped by lightning. It would have been missed by most but he had been trained to see it since he was a small boy and his heart leapt with joy. He blinked twice, his glowing eyes flashing clearly in response. His excitement now returned two fold. He wanted to run out into the clearing his arms waving, whooping at the top of his lungs but he dared not, for below his excitement there was yet another feeling… something was wrong.
The shimmering moonlight disappeared, blotted out by a murky blackness casting harsh ragged shadows over all. The doe peered at the sky confused then bolted for home and safety on the far side of the clearing.
Sil felt the rhythmic pace of Bodrum breathing stop as he braced himself for the moment. All life’s movements seem to slow but this was no surprise, evil works on its own time. Sil closed his eye to shield their glow and waited for what he knew would come.
“Demon Shades.” He whispered like a dreadful prayer.
Two short strides from its home the doe pitched over violently and crashed to the ground as the silhouette of a massive misshapen bird landed on its shuddering body. A piercing screech echoed through the clearing and a second misshapen silhouette swooped into the fray slamming into the first. Sil’s teeth flashed in a grimace of hatred and he began to rise reaching for his blade. He did not get far as Bodrum grasped his shoulder and gently pushed him back to the ground.
“Now is not the time.” He mouthed silently his eye’s full of regret for he knew one day soon, it would be. They turned back to the scene in the clearing hoping for it to be over.
The two creatures recovered and squared off, the twisted body of the doe forgotten momentarily. Now bathed in the moonlight they looked like two mangy wolves with wings that spanned fifteen paces and paws the size of a man’s head. They walked upright, their bodies covered with a slick black fur. Their faces, silvery white with evil red eyes trickling blood stained tears and broad snouts trimmed with venom dripping fangs.
The battle was short but vicious as the second mauled the first. It quickly gave in with a yelp and slunk into the shadows to lick its wounds while the other feasted. It did not take long and with a final shake of its head the second tore off the last juicy morsel and flew away. The first quickly scanned for scraps and with an angry howl launched itself into the night air leaving the clearing in a sudden eerie silence.
As they lay at the edge of the clearing silently weighing their options an owl began his monotonous mantra to startling effect, as the woods came alive again, its natural inhabitants returning to their nightly routines.
Bodrum rose and stepped into the clearing his presence filling the open space. It was a heavy presence full of dread and danger, one he knew few would dare to disturb.
“You know what this means?” He rumbled quietly as Sil step beside him, a leaf drifting from his cloak.
A nod was all Sil could muster as the blood pounded in his ears and his body trembled violently, a tremble not of fear but of rage. The presence of these creatures here could only mean one thing…their homeland had been overrun.
“We should get back to camp. Tomorrow brings new possibilities.” Bodrum paused heavily, his eyes dropping to the ground. When he looked up again they glistened with tears making them sparkle like stars against the blue black of his face. “Sil, no matter what has happened we must continue our journey to its end. Now more than ever he is needed. He must be found.” Abruptly he turned and stalked back into the woods leaving Sil to himself.
A torrent of emotions ravaged Sil’s body rooting him to the ground, a-wash in confusion. The world around him seemed a blur. What to do? Where to go? Why? Why? Why? Rage! His eyes flashed open, their harsh glow echoing his feelings. He stumbled and fell to his knees, his head flying back as he gasped for breath, the crisp night air searing his lungs. He was drowning and he did not know how to pull himself up. The world tilted as he rolled to his side and tried to scream. Maybe the Demon Shades would return and end his misery but no sound would come. Rage!
Then he saw it, on the edge of his vision where everything was spinning into one, the sky, the trees, the grass, the sky, a flash of amber. Like a beacon drawing him to the surface it pulled him from the edge of chaos and back into the clearing.
From the darkness of the strange tree, like a favorite childhood memory, soared Rayin a hawk of unquestionable beauty. Large for her species, her brownish red feathers seemed tipped with flames as they caught the moonlight and her cry was the sound of a joyful reunion. Her wings flared as she came to light on a small bolder in the center of the clearing exposing the white streak that ran under each wing.
Rising unsteadily Sil walked across the clearing to meet his old friend. It had been three full cycles of the seasons since he had seen her. He knew that she had had a long hard journey to reach him; he knew that she was alone and he knew that there was no message in her pouch. This, in and of itself, was the message.
As he stood in front of Rayin with her proud regal bearing. It made him take into account his own and he adjusted his disheveled clothing as a smile creased his face. Her gaze never faltered from his when he reached out, the colorful cord looped around his hand. She considered it for a brief moment then gracefully leapt onto his forearm. He slipped the loop over her leg, the little bell singing her return and smoothed the feathers on her head.
“Welcome to your new home old friend, we have missed you dearly.”
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andersda reviewed Version 2 -
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This rightfully belongs in the Sci-Fi/Fantasy category, but works in that genre are still novel treatments, and this one is a pretty decent one. Besides, I’d rather read works of that type than any other. With a look at my library, you’d accept my qualifications with no reservations. You’ve done a nice job. You have interesting characters – including the hawk – and, so far, I didn’t see anything that doesn’t advance the plot or that detracts from it. Overall, very nicely done. There are grammar issues that you have to deal with. I know you can pay $2 a page for editing, but, since you posted it, I assumed you wanted all the help you couldf get. All the very best and good luck with this.
Dave
A breeze rippled through the brittle leaves of the old trees (that were) standing like sentinels
“Long green blades swaying gently” blades of what?
“Evening came as the sun slowly dipped into the woods on the far horizon,” This is stating the obvious suggest you dlelete “evening came”.
“tune but Sil did not hear its song, for he gave” vs. tune, but Sil did not hear its song for (suggest because instead of for) he gave (also is Sil his name? He wasn;t introduced.
“He made no movements yet his powerful” vs. comma after movements. Also, this is in direct opposition to what you just said – he stepped out.
“A shiver went through his body.” whose body it’s not clear.
“Sudden and whip like” vs. whip-like
The relationship between Bodrum and Stil the whole Tashungai warriors thing is not spelled out early on.
“Blinking rapidly” Nice bit.
“eyes(,) he checked
” woods the sounds” vs. woods. The sounds
“quiet. A drooping” vs. quiet, and a drooping
“Nothing could be seen in the pale glow of the moon but a shimmering field of tall grass before the trees picked up again on the other side.” If nothing ould be seen, how could he that the tall grass picked up the other side. Also it sounded like you were descriping a copse or a dense thick that aopened onto a tree – now he has a vista?
“two fold” vs. two-fold
“peers(,)but he
“most(,) but he
“boy(,) and his heart leapt”
“waving” or flailing
“safety on the far” either delete on the far or make it far away safety
“options(,) an owl
“violently, a tremble not of fear but of rage” vs. violently – not with fear but with rage
“creatures here could only” delete here, it’s obvious.
“his eyes dropping to the ground” vs. his glance dropping
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imogene reviewed Version 1 -
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Put a comma before “his back to the sun.” Break up the sentence that begins “From far off…” Its too long as is. 3rd paragraph and beginning of 4th were confusing. I had to read a few times to figure out what was happening. I still don’t really know after reading the whole thing. Who are these people? Do they transform into animals and fight each other? Are they animals? Is there a little boy hiding in a tree? Who are Bodrum and Sil? This was a confusing read. Much, much more needs to be explained. It seems like you are trying to hard to be mysterious and you will lose readers in the process. I liked the beginning of the story, melancholy. But after that I was lost.
JMPrater reviewed Version 1 -
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This story is fraught with grand ideas and fantasy inspired revelations. Unfortunately, the author has bogged the reader down in overly-detailed descriptions of landscape and not actual story telling.
The writer is clearly imaginative and descriptive, but when you’re writing a novel, it’s important to remember to let the reader fill in the blanks, it’s the writers job to tell the story. Again, let the reader imagine the sound of the howling wind.
J.M. Prater
Riddler reviewed Version 1 -
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The writing is exceptional. The descriptions are vivid and the grammar is near-perfect. The story, on the other hand, is somewhat elusive so far. We know there is a sense of dread in Sil and Bodrum because the author tells us. But what does he show us? A deer is killed by some strange flying creatures. That’s sad if you like deer, and tragic, I suppose, if you’re a vegan. But does it build a sense of fear and foreboding? Not within me.
Dialog is sparse and unrevealing. I’m glad Sil found his bird but I was not biting my nails in fear that he wouldn’t.
Having said all that, I suspect that aficionados of the fantasy genre are frantically hitting the review button to find the next chapter. I do not count myself among those fans, so I’m still scratching my head. Any enjoyment I garnered from reading this piece was due to the exceptional quality of the writing. You are a writer who clearly knows the craft and you skillfully paint a clear picture with your words. I wish you luck with this, but I feel confident you will find a publisher if the rest of your novel is as well-written as this opening.
godmanix reviewed Version 1 -
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I suppose that to understand this story I must read the whole thing, for this little morsel didn’t quite give out much information.
I liked the visuals you give on the scenery, lots of detail there.
I’m not sure what to think about your characters, Sil and Bodrum. They come across as highly skilled rangers, but so far, I’m not seeing anything to distinguish the two from each other, which I’m sure that’s only because this is the first chapter.
Even though the story itself comes across as a bit generic, I will not make that judgement until I read more, which I do intend to do.
AWritersFantasy reviewed Version 1 -
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I love the imagery of the first paragraph. You have a great way with description.
However, this:
An old friend warns of trouble to the east, Bodrum flashed in the ancient hand signals used by Tashungai warriors, then turned into the woods due east.
confused me a bit. I’m not sure what it is, really, but maybe the way you worded it. It might be the weird change of tenses.
From the darkness of the strange tree, like a favorite childhood memory, soared Rayin a hawk of unquestionable beauty.
You just need a comma, I think, after “Rayin.” If you go back and read it out loud, you’ll see that you pause (or at least should pause) after you say that name.
Other than that, I really liked this story and am interested in reading more.
SWray reviewed Version 1 -
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I think the story is a little slow getting started, but I think that you’re going for a slow pace. So that’s all right. There are a few places that I noticed grammatical errors, such as leaving the ed off of words in the past tense. Also, there are a few commas missing. Read through it one more time. It was interesting. Keep it up.
thesnoopyone reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the way you have written this. Very vivid description of the opening scene. Allows the reader to climb into a story. Keep up the good work
firefey reviewed Version 1 -
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i like the concept of this piece, but the visuals you use are pretty stock. and that’s ok, if that’s what you want. but, you show that you can come up with something really interesting. and you show that with your description of the demon shades. overall, i think it’s a good first effort.
loganrapp reviewed Version 1 -
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“A breeze rippled through…” is not nearly enough of a hook to get people to want to read. Generally speaking, you don’t want to start off with the setting; almost all novels – literary, mainstream and everything in between – kick it off in medias res, so have the first sentence be in the middle of the action.
Too much of the universe you’re creating is being shown at once. ”...signals used by Tashungai warriors…” – we have no idea who or what these are, how the hand signals are presented, etc., and it’s written in such a way that it seems like we should know this already, when we’ve not had the opportunity.
Along with the setting, I’d say, don’t spend so much time worrying about describing the background when the interactions are more important. People can imagine an environment with fewer descriptors than they can the contours of someone’s expression. I think if you shift your focus from one to the other, your writing will improve immensely in short order.
This one has some potential. More suggestions in the discussion.
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