Thanks for the crit. I plugged in the extra lines between paragraphs specifically for posting here. They don’t exist in the actual manuscript. I thought it would be easier to read than the usual dense gray of text.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Isis Wept, Part 1 of Chapter 1
Isis hurried to the roof of her apartments when she learned of her husband’s return. From there she could see beyond the palace enclosure to the tree-shaded western bank of the Nile. She would glimpse him there, no doubt, amid a telltale crowd of adoring subjects. Osiris was order, he was enlightenment; to emerge from the throat of the wild desert was poetry of a sort.
Isis thrilled at her husband’s homecoming, so unexpected after so many months. She missed his laughter; it was food to her, and his body a sweet dessert. Only dreams of his touch had kept her from melancholy. The promise of that touch drew a sigh past her lips.
She should retire to her rooms, she thought as she paced the edge of the roof, but she could not depart without first catching sight of her love. Heedless of the four priestess-retainers who had followed her from below, she fixed her mind and heart on her husband, the king and god of a great city. It was so like him to arrive from the west, from the mouth of the hungry desert. That act was a gift to his people, and first of all to the poor. Wherever his journeys had taken him, the river would have made for a quicker return, and a safer one than walking the dunes. Quicker and safer, yes, but few would have witnessed their sovereign’s homecoming. Where was the gift in that? Now the farmers, brickmakers and shopkeepers of Abydos greeted their sovereign before even heir lords on the Nile’s eastern bank. They had no doubt mobbed him in their joy, had offered him gifts of beer, water and gritty bread, treasures with which they could ill afford to part.
In the face of such adulation, how could a goddess do any less, even one blessed as the very definition of life, love and beauty? Isis chuckled at the thought and covered her mouth with perfect fingers. The erotic force of her godhood was too small a welcome for Osiris, she thought. She should prepare. A bath, perhaps scented with oils? And the softest of linens upon her bed. Something done with her hair, yes, and the eye paint that so destroyed him. She rarely stooped to such tricks of beguilement, but this was a special occasion.
“He comes, my goddess!” the high priestess Merferet called, and pointed toward a barge crossing from the west bank. “There! Osiris approaches!”
The boat aimed for the temple quay where Amnet, high priest of the Grand Temple, waited with dozens of chanters.
“I love you,” Isis whispered. She squinted through the bright sunlight, hoping to pick out her love on the barge, but Ra, her grandfather, blazed above, overwhelming her physical eyes. She blinked, lowered her gaze, and instantly went cold.
The priests chanted toward the barge. But some turned their heads toward a figure ambling onto the quay.
Set, Isis realized, and her lips tightened.
Isis couldn’t say why Set affected her so. He was her brother, after all, and also brother to Osiris, her husband. He had never done any harm to her, though he presumed much with lascivious leers. Still, he hadn’t acted on desire, nor offended Osiris or in any way blackened the godhead of their origin.
Nor had he done much to polish it. He strutted in among the priests, stealing another god’s moment. Set had no business there, but neither was he likely to leave. He wanted his brother’s fame. He wanted his brother’s power. He also wanted his brother’s wife, Isis knew without doubt. He hated his brother for having won such a wife, was jealous of all that Osiris had achieved. Set held his jealousies barely in check, but some day they were escape him.
Even in the hot sun, she shivered at the thought. Osiris was her love, but certainly not a fighter. Could he stand against Set if challenged for ascendancy? She could only hope that Ma’at disallowed it.
All things knew balance, Isis reasoned. Good was not good unless balanced by evil, prosperity suspect unless balanced by need. Ma’at encompassed balance. She steered the universe far shy of chaos, granting life its natural equilibrium. A diligent overseer, that stony-faced goddess, entirely impartial. But she only influenced; she was never in command. Set would one day twist her to anarchy; it was his way in all things. Osiris, who balanced Set’s wanton vileness, would suffer the consequences of that folly. Isis shivered again, and tried to shrug off dread.
She peered again toward the barge, which now turned broadside to the quay. She thought she saw her husband then. Unlike his men, whose body-sheathing linen uniforms were stained from months of sweat, Osiris wore a linen kilt that covered from waist to knees, a white linen headpiece like a wig, and little else beyond a few trinkets of glass and stone. He moved with characteristic energy, slapping a minion’s shoulder here, laughing there. Her husband, all right. He seemed so weak against the threat of Set…
She shut tight her eyes for a moment, her blood rushing hot at the shame of such doubt. Her husband was king in Abydos. Set could not touch him here. She repeated that thought to shore up hope of its truth.
Then she turned away toward the stairs. She had much to do before welcoming her love. Fear was a distraction best turned away.
#
The ritual guard of Osiris were few, more entourage than soldiers, and smartly appointed for their role. Their identical uniforms were designed for the wild extremes of the deep desert, exposing only hands, eyes, and sandaled feet to the elements. The waists were drawn by sweat-stained leather belts. Each belt held a flint knife and a remarkable sword of bronze. The swords were a wonder, for few people knew of the hard, glinting metal; few knew of metal at all. The world that had made the guard of Osiris emerged from an era ruled by stone; none could guess the wonders of the new age to come.
Twenty men had roamed with Osiris in the desert. Now they accompanied him from the workers’ quarter on the western bank to his temple amid the villas of the rich.
A guardsman threw a line to a loinclothed dockworker at the temple quay, who tied the barge to a sturdy post. Osiris leapt to land before a ramp could be extended to the ship’s deck. The priests prostrated themselves, all but Amnet who, as high priest, was obliged to stand while greeting his god. He led the others to a chanting crescendo, then cut them off abruptly.
“Set!” Osiris called before Amnet could offer the ritual greeting. He marched toward his brother, arms outstretched. “How nice of you to welcome me! And on my own temple grounds, at that!” He grasped his brother kindly by the shoulders.
“There are no boundaries between us,” Set said silkily. “What’s mine is yours, and yours mine.”
“Well said, but I doubt my priests agree. How does one pay homage to a god while yet another deity stands at one’s shoulder, eh, Amnet?”
“I would not presume to opine, my lord,” Amnet said. He bowed his shaven head against linen robes so white and gauzy they seemed close to glowing.
“Priests.” Set made a dismissive sound. “They are men, my brother. Half the time they don’t know whether to pray or fornicate.”
Osiris let loose a hearty peal of laughter, as much at the high priest’s chagrin as at the other god’s jibe. “Come now, Set. Manners, manners. Yes, they are men. Though not gods, they display special gifts, which we can only envy. Charity, if you’ll notice, is something men know from experience and we gods could wisely learn.”
Set stared at the lord of Abydos, his eyes darkening. He was a god of storms, normally forbidding, so Osiris counted the mood for little. The two looked remarkably alike. They wore similar kilts, though Set walked in sandals and was given more to jewelry. They claimed the same muscular build, the same hard but narrow face, with short-cropped black hair and rich brown eyes. Without Osiris’s easy mirth and Set’s smoldering brow, telling them apart would have proven a difficult task.
“So, O king,” Set said in a voice like grinding rock, “what have you brought us this time? The natives so adore your gifts.”
Osiris slapped his brother’s shoulder and grinned as he turned to the barge. His men had enacted a spectacular chaos as they offloaded their sovereign’s most extraordinary treasures. The priests so cringed in their prostrate poses that Osiris asked Amnet to command them erect. “I give you,” he said while the religious backed to the limits of the quay, “I give you the future of Abydos!”
“The future of Abydos” was an animal, a black mass of muscle and energy. It stood taller than a man, though it danced around so nervously and reared so much that it couldn’t honestly be said to stand at all. Its four constantly mobile legs were lean, sinewy sticks. A long tail of hair whipped the beast’s flanks. It complemented an ample mane along the animal’s thick neck. The head was conical, with alert, twitching ears, flaring nostrils, and intelligent, appraising eyes. It awed the priests, and terrified them. It was all they could do to stand their ground when three more monsters were forced from the barge.
Qebera, who captained Osiris’s guard, directed his men as they wrestled the animals along by ropes. “Hold tight there!” he shouted, and “Brace there on the right!” and “Watch those hooves!”
“Eh?” Osiris asked his brother. “What do you think?”
“How nice,” Set said without expression. “How much will they eat?”
Osiris burst into laughter again. He stepped toward the nearest of his four black cyclones and gripped its harness. The animal settled as if enchanted. “You never travel,” the king admonished Set. “Believe me, brother, there is more to this world than the banks of the Nile or your wild, killing desert.” He glanced around to Amnet, who watched the silenced beast with suspicion. “High priest, come closer.”
“As you command, my god and king,” but Amnet approached by only the barest of inches.
“Come on, it won’t bite. Or, I think it won’t bite. Qebera, did they say if it would bite?”
The soldier stood more relaxed than Amnet. He had suffered the animal’s company for many long months, far too long to give it much notice. He pulled back the cloak and scarf arrangement that protected his face from the sun, revealing gray hair and a hard-edged face. “They said it might bite if threatened or annoyed, but it’s not given to bite as a habit.”
“That’s right. Thank-you, Qebera. So, Amnet, will you threaten or annoy my prize?”
“Never, sire,” the high priest proclaimed.
“Good. Then give him a pet. Right there, on the neck. Go ahead, I’ll vouch for his behavior.”
The priest showed a trembling smile. He put out his hand to arm’s length and barely touched the animal. The beast flinched, and muttered through fluttering lips. It watched Osiris with eyes that at once trusted and questioned, eyes more frank than a man’s. The priest straightened and took a breath, then pressed his hand along the animal’s neck. “He is warm, sire. I can feel his strength.”
“Yes,” Osiris nodded. “He is strong. How about you, Set? Care to welcome my newest friend?”
“No, thanks,” Set snorted, and folded his arms to his chest.
This prompted a chuckle from Osiris, and, inappropriately, from Qebera. Set marked the soldier, the memory etched in bile.
Osiris raised his voice to include the gathered crowd. “This fine animal is a gift from Ur, a kingdom far to the east. So are all its like. They call it a ‘horse’ and it offers its masters far more than beauty, spirit, and strength. The people of Ur use these ‘horses’ as pack animals, to pull plows, even carts filled with people and possessions. The nobles of Ur actually ride the beasts, for transportation and for sport!”
“Ride?” Set scoffed. “Ha! With those skinny legs and that hard back? Please, brother, you jest!”
“The mortal animals of this earth yet hold surprises for gods,” Osiris intoned with mock gravity. “We gods are what we are, yet mortals strive to whatever they might be. This horse does the work of oxen, camels, and whole teams of men. Yet it is not dim-witted as an ox, obstreperous as a camel, or free-minded as a man. It could be a great companion — no, a comrade — to Abydans and…” He returned his attention to the full assembly. “…that is why I brought one male and three females, that we might breed these animals to give some ease to our people!”
The assembled men whistled and cheered. The soldiers drew their flint knives and shook them high overhead.
“But, that is not all we bring,” Osiris called, quieting the crowd. “No, if all we brought were animals prone to devouring hay, then we would do no chore worth praising. We also bring food, seeds of the most succulent marvels of Ur. Juicy orbs called oranges, like sugar plucked from trees, and red fruits of the vine like bags of meat and water. We also bring you cousins to our emmer that we can cross for variety.” He paused, pleased with his bounty. “Well? Have we served Abydos, my people?”
Their acclaim deafened. Osiris grabbed Amnet and Qebera in a brusque hug. “My friends,” he shouted through the din, “let’s store it all in the temple and head into the city. I’ve been away from my queen too long.”
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tarleisio reviewed Version 1 -
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At long last I finally got a chance to review this. And I’m thrilled to say that after such a long wait, I was most emphatically – not! – disappointed.
Ancient Egypt! One of the world’s most enduring love stories! One of the world’s oldest bad guys, too! And the introduction of the horse – what, I ask you, is there not to love?
You have done quite a bit of homework here in terms of both research and story development. Story development in the sense that given the ending is a foregone conclusion – such being the nature of a story some of us, at least, know and dearly love, and even so, you’ve created an excellent fictional framework for it.
In evoking the sights, scents and sounds of ancient Abydos, too, this lives and breathes atmosphere. I can almost close my eyes and imagine I’m there, all those thousands of years ago, lurking in the adoring crowds awaiting Osisris’ return.
Your descriptions and your language are vivid and evocative. There might inevitably be some readers who protest that your overall tone is a tad high-minded, or even that lovely Southern word “high-falutin’”, and that’s where I sit on the fence of my definite opinions. One the one hand, we’re dealing with gods here, gods who have lived and breathed in human hearts for millenia (in this particular case). On the other hand, you are, no matter your subject or your premise, simply trying to tell an age-old story, and you’re trying to tell your story by making it as accessible as you can. Here, I think you’ve struck the right balance between storyline and conveying immediacy in your storyline, and if it strikes some as rather formal, this reader, at least, doesn’t care.
Sometimes, in reviewing, I rant and rave – at least to my computer screen, that I have to be so, well, civilized, when I’d dearly love a chance to blast some poor, wretched writer into the next dimension of acute and severe dyslexia.
But not this time. This time, I seem to completely lost any pathetic critical abilities I might have had. Which is to say, I really, truly, don’t have one bad thing to say about it. If I came across this in a bookstore, I’d buy it in a heartbeat, faster than you could say “Amex or Visa?”
You’re walking a tricky tightrope here, in the sense that this is categorized as sci-fi & fantasy. Well, we’re dealing with gods, after all. On the other hand, I can’t help but feel that this story in terms of subject and setting shares more territory with historical fiction, especially writers such as Christian Jacq with his series on Ramses II.
I loved that series, and from what I’ve read so far, I love this. Thankfully, there are more installments!
And thank you, for providing me with such pleasures! ;-)
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Brandonicus reviewed Version 1 -
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Steve i plan to read and review each part of chapter one so that i can hit each point as it happens. Great part one. You have started to set a clear stage and parameters for the players and how they interact. There is clear motivation for each one, with strengths and weaknesses clear. Every great epic, such as this love story must have that. “So, O king,” Set said in a voice like grinding rock,” The attention to detail such as describing the quality of the voice is helpfull in understanding the character. Your narrative is clear but it seems plain. All i mean to say is that for a exotic epic i had expected more of a lofty orate style. It may be my own desire, but you should consider enhancing the narrative with a tad more oratory.
While the attention to detail is good, i have to hit you up for something you got me for, physical description of the environment and the characters. You truly got into their heads but i can not see them. I am familiar with old world Egypt from my fondness of ‘Stargate’ as well as some research, but a layman would be lost. You mentioned the poor but as well as the rich but what do they look like? I only harp on it because they are gods, you should use hyperbole in the description. Moving on to part two
vruja reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a very beautiful and very cleaver account of how the gods of Egypt may have come to be. The feelings from each of the characters are presented well, so it gives a very strong sense of the mood, as well as the plot that may be. I like how you stress the difference between the gods and the common people, but at the same time leaving to the reader to decide on the “godliness” of the Osiris, Isis and Set. Are you sure the Egyptians knew sugar? Maybe just honey? May be more historically correct to say “like candy plucked from trees” or some other word for something a sweet thing.
solarflare reviewed Version 1 -
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This first part of the chapter is coming along nicely. You introduced important characters and started setting up what looks like a confrontation. You seem to know quite a bit about Egyptian mythology and the story is very realistic in that sense. I didn’t see any mistakes that glared out at me so I think you are fine in that aspect but what you may want to do is delete out all the blank spaces. Usually in books a new paragraph is just one line down but indented. You may want to do that to makes this look better, also it will help in reading it. Set almost seems like he wants to kill Osiris, but I’m not sure if he just wants Isis for himself or to rule in place of Osiris. I think you are starting to set up that conflict well right off the bat. You foreshadow it a bit and move on with the rest of the story. Not a bad start here. Keep it up.
jaugne reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the way you start this, the homecoming is a great hook, and offers an opportunity for the exposition of backstory without pulling the reader out of the flow of the story. Also a good way to contrast your protagonist / antagonist story.
I think this is really good, and wanted to read more. That’s the best any author can hope for as far as story.
That said, there are some technical glitches in the piece that jarred on the ear. You could tighten and polish this a good bit. I’ll offer my humble thoughts on that now.
1. You don’t always maintain your tense, sometimes skipping around between present and past in the same sentence. Example:
Now the farmers, brickmakers and shopkeepers of Abydos greeted their sovereign before even their lords on the Nile’s eastern bank. They were no doubt mobbing him in their joy, offering gifts of beer, water, and gritty bread, treasures with which they could ill afford to part.*
(I’ll just give one example of each in order to save you credits)
2. Repeated pronoun modifiers, especially of the possessive variety. Once you establish identity, and posession, you don’t have to keep up the “he” “her” “his” “hers”. You only need to bring them back in to show change of person, or subject.
The priest showed a trembling smile. He stretched a hand to arm’s length and barely touched the animal. The beast flinched, and muttered through fluttering lips, watching Osiris with eyes that both trusted and questioned, eyes more frank than a man’s. The priest straightened and took a breath, then pressed his hand along the animal’s neck. “He is warm, sire. I can feel his strength.”
3. There is an overabundance of several different types of modifiers, from phrases to adjectives. Never use two words of description when one will convey the scene. Just focusing on this one thing will tighten this up considerably.
*Osiris burst into laughter again. He stepped to the nearest animal and gripped its harness. It settled as if enchanted. “You never travel,” the king admonished Set. “Believe me, brother, there is more to this world than the banks of the Nile and your killing desert.” He glanced around to Amnet, who watched the silenced beast with suspicion. “High priest, come closer.”
I tried to use just one example in each to keep this short.
I relly liked this! Keep up the good work.
shannygoat reviewed Version 1 -
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When I started reading this for some reason it reminded me of Stargate. I don’t know why, maybe to see the gods in this light reminded me that although they were divine, they were heavily flawed.
“Isis hurried to the roof of her apartments when she learned of her husband’s return.” Should that be apartment? Or because she’s a goddess does she actually occupy more than one at a time? The same thing goes for her room. You stated it as she should retire to her rooms. Is it her presence that takes up more space, or is she physically going to retire to one room?
I think it’s funny that Set has such a disdain for humans, with that comment about them not knowing whether to pray or fornicate, yet he seems to be the one with the most unpleasant of the human emotions. He’s jealous and greedy. While Osiris seems to be full of wonderment and excitement and Isis is full of love and passion.
I do have a question, however. In this world do the gods live amongst the humans? Are they not in a separate plain where they look down upon them and watch their interactions? I only ask this because they have servants working of them and Osiris is traveling by sea from a human village. I guess I question it because gods are only ever seen as wanting humans to praise them, not that they need them to serve them, or help them in any way. They always seem to have this self sufficient arrogance about them.
That’s an interesting twist. But by having them walk amongst humans, it seems to take away from their divinity. Maybe it’s because they have yet to show why it is that they are gods. I’d be interested in seeing what separates them from their human counterparts.
I’d be interested in reading more. I love mythology and a good love story.
This was heavily detailed without being extremely wordy. I could vividly picture everything that was going on. Good job!
hellbunny reviewed Version 1 -
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What a wonderful use of imagery. You also have a strong command of vocabulary without sounding pretentious. From what I have read so far, I’m sure I will enjoy this new take on the ancient story of Osiris and Isis. There are a few things I want to point out that will hopefully make this piece stronger:
“covered her mouth with perfect fingers” Instead of using the word “perfect” use another adjective or two that tells us how they are perfect- “graceful fingers”, for example.
“and the eye paint that so destroyed him”- I’m not sure what you mean by destroyed.
“but someday they were escape him”- I think this one got past your careful notice of sentence structure.
The bit with the horse was dragged on too long. Cutting it down will not take away from the story at all.
I like your characterizations, especially Osiris.
hypatia reviewed Version 1 -
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Being a fan of ancient mythology I was looking forward to reading this. Overall I enjoyed the way you developed the character Isis and I felt engaged with her thoughts and emotions. After that I got a sense of being rushed along. Like running through an exhibition without stopping to look at the artifacts. For me I like a more slower pace whereby I can experience every aspect of living in that time, almost as if I can see and taste everything around me. I get the sense of haste as Isis prepares for Osiris’s return, would just like to get more of a sense of her surroundings, world, customs, the differences between now and then. I hope this helps.
‘but some day they were escape him.’
Catastrophe reviewed Version 1 -
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I really like the world that you have created here. The idea of the gods taking corporeal form and being physically present in the world amongst those that worship and serve them gives you a rich background to exploit.
Your characterizations are particularly vivid. You don’t overwhelm the reader with detail after detail, but let certain phrases do the work exceptionally well. I particularly noted;
“Without Osiris’s easy mirth and Set’s smoldering brow” – this made it very easy to picture these two brothers in their contrasts
and
“Set marked the soldier, the memory etched in bile.” – excellent!
I didn’t notice any mechanical errors, but I was caught up in the story. I look forward to reading more.
Good luck with this!
A_Pseudonym reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the title. I think this has potential to be a wonderful story, however right now it’s presentation is a little dry. It may suffice as a children’s tale, but starting the story off by naming Isis leaves little room for mystery to an informed reader. I think I’ve already got the characters down, and in knowing the characters the plot can’t be too surprising. I think the ‘gods’ are portrayed as very mortal (as many ancient pantheons are). I think you should try to rewrite this with no mention of names for as long as you’re able and just try to characterize the main individuals through their relationships and actions and see how the plot comes together.
I only found one glaring typo: “some day they were escape him.” – “they would…” I wish you all the best with this endeavor. Good luck!
A_P.
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