“the time between two ticks” is a reference to eternity.that time when the weight of choice is felt,the time,when observing someone or something you see them in the middle of themselves
Poetry / "Green Fruit" (Analysis)
Deaths hand reached out to pluck
a sweet drop of sweat,not yet
departed
that eternity
when nothings said
Each was swimming in the pool of it
the time when deaths not
dead
Tired of crumbs he’d taken
falling from times table
Something living he was wanting
this sailor in the shoreline he could see
was soon not to be
The time between two ticks
He bent to nestle in the sailors ear
sirens simple fable
“Forget your questions and the sea
find beauty in me
here’s a bottle and a needle
together we’ll recapture
sunrises that you’ve lost
just help me lift the bottle
heat the spoon”
along the second tick
when at needle point
the skin will prick
That bead of sweat
came to splatter
made the sailor think
of things that matter
Like pulling out
when he wanted to shoot
there was another sunrise
in him
a basket of green fruit
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j_wesley reviewed Version 1 -
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nice poem. i enjoy how the form of the poem seems controlled and not random, which is very important when writing with concrete form. the theme flows nicely with the rhythm and progression of the poem…however, the rhyming is a little conspicuous for my personal taste and i would prefer to see it disguised a little more. and i’m not sure about repeating the word “bottle” twice in the same line, it feels a little weak as an image because it’s the same word used the same way twice in a row. and lastly, what about including a few words or phrases that are more exciting or exotic? a few of the word choices are in danger of sounding bland after a couple readings, but mostly only in the first two stanza. the rest are better. overall it’s a great poem, i would just think about maybe changing a few of those things. i also like the title. it’s a little cryptic, but not entirely inaccessible. good job.
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summers_ann reviewed Version 1 -
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excellent! you’re story line and imagery is very good. the only problem i had with it was in the second stanza with the forth and fifth line starting with “he could see….” it seemed a bit to cliche for this poem. but over all i really liked this. the whole idea of death taking a life to soon is beautiful and poignant.
keep up the good work!
Maria reviewed Version 1 -
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Not really my taste in poetry! But this was well written, and expressed. You created a very good visual for the reader. Your word play is outstanding. This piece was a bit abstract, but understandable. I like how you captivate the reader in this piece. You start out kind of calm giving no real clues, then you ended with a bang, very nice touch. This was a good read. Your talent shines. This piece had good tempo, and nice balance.
WiseWillie reviewed Version 1 -
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first impressions: whoa i shit the bed
seconds: what’s the time between two clicks? i swear i thought i saw two bodies fall on the dock. i really don’t get it, i don’t want to admit but it’s gone over my head.
i still like it
Trenchtownrock reviewed Version 1 -
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Your ability to tell a story and paint words to life is very good. You have a gift to bring out the best of words on a page. So many try to tell a story in poetry with their big words and mind busting metaphors but this was to the point.
evoloution reviewed Version 1 -
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Hello there.
You have the right idea when it comes to rhythm but your pace is wrong. The lyrics change too quickly from being introspective to a character portrayal of the sailor and this is very confusing and challenging for a reader on such a short poem. You also need to work on punctuation as this will help the reader to understand the direction of the narrative and also the feelings you are expressing.
I’m not certain of what the sunrise represents or whether it is an actual event? It would be more helpful if this was made clearer and your layout would look better if it was tidied up too. Think about what you are trying to say and forget about too many comparisons with past events and just let it flow.
Good luck
libby reviewed Version 1 -
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Is this meant to be sort of sexual? Because I’m reading that way, especially towards the ending, and I like it better from that perspective than any other. I think this has a whole ton of potential, but just needs to be cleaned up some. One thing that really confused me was that there are a lot of places where you forget the apostrophe in a possesive, so it appears to be plural, and then I had to sit there and think out what you meant. Detracts from the flow, obviously. Honestly I think you could do without the first two stanzas altogether, because the last two are infinitely stronger. But on the whole, good job!
Bosco reviewed Version 1 -
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Hello,
If you mixed Coleridge’s “the rhyme of the ancient mariner” with Neil Young’s “the needle and the damage” I reckon you’d get this. I like it, it’s enchanting and semi-unreal just like junk induced stupor. Hell of a a poem.
What have you got against possessive apostrophes, did they offend you somehow?
Some typos etc:
1) Death(‘)s hand
2) sweat,( )not
3) when nothing(‘)s said
4) Each was swimming in the pool of it (pool of what? eternity, sweat, nothing?)
5) the time when death(‘)s not
6) falling from time(‘)s table (or times’ table depending on which you mean)
7) sirens(‘) simple fable (if you mean the simple fable of the sirens)
8) “in him” (does that deserve a line on its own?)
Anyhow great piece.
Good luck with it.
Bosco
Frogking reviewed Version 1 -
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Terrible addiction! Good job on the poem. Although phrases like (Something living he was wanting) I stop to wander if this is truly what you’d have liked to say there. This could have read “Something live he was wanting.” and (this sailor in the shoreline he could see) or (by) the shore line?
jweeble reviewed Version 1 -
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Vivid images and excellent take on a serious subject. I think adding punctuation would help the reader know which phrases go together better, and add more meaning to your piece. The last stanza is a little confusing. I think I get how you are structuring it, but not sure what you want together or phrased to make the most sense. Excellent start though.
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