I keep meaning to clean the piece up, but it always slips my mind.
This is actually a work of my brother’s. He’s a better writer than he gives himself credit for, he just falls a little short on grammar from time to time.
It’s word for word as he originally wrote it, so maybe it’s out of admiration and not wanting to leave my mark on it that I don’t edit it? Who knows. I may someday.
I’m glad you enjoyed it as much as I did. :)
Humor/Satire / Boredom as an Understatement
I stood at my mighty tower watching over The Great City of Saucier with my hands on the rails and my book of justice strapped to my back. The sky was grand, and there seemed to be not a butt-raping thing that could change that, but I was proven to be wrong. Just as I picked up their sent the Multiplying Bunnies of Viagra rushed from the forest, breaking down the fence and attacking the courtyard. They raped everything in sight, and all I could do was watch. When their work was finished the large group, which had grown larger, turned and left. I shivered in my toga as I realized what I must now do. I would have to retrieve the Mystery Pack of Ramen, destroy Root Bunny, and cleanse every person who was raped! I jumped down from my cardboard box and ran towards The Fortress of Saucier.
There was a loud crash as Wheelchair-Shannon smashed into the wall that supported The Great Temple of Saucier. The-Gaylan was laying his palm across Jetpack-Jesus’s face with amazing force for getting raped just as I crushed another skull with my hard back copy of “Stephen Hawking’s The Universe in a Nut Shell.” Jetpack-Jesus revved his hybrid energy-efficient jetpack into gear and managed to escape, only to have The-Gaylan jump and catch hold of his sandal, sending the two on a suicidal flight into the outer reaches of Oblivion. Wheelchair-Shannon called out for help, to which I did responded. When I arrived, her wheels were spinning as fast as they could. She cursed Saucier for smashing her into the wall, at which I hit her with my book causing her to lose all motor functions. The second I put her back in her chair she was off in a flash of red strobe lights and a constant scream of squeaking rubber duckies. I looked to the sky and waited for the arguing couple to return. When they did they came in a loud blur of prayer and screams. They hit the ground and laid there, each moaning. Before a word could be spoken I sprang into action hitting each of them over the head with my book and skipping away, my toga flapping in the wind.
Inside the fortress I found the oracle of N00bage-Jim sitting with his legs crossed. I sat next to him and asked him how the cleansing was going. He stood and cried like a school girl, running away and into his confessional. I followed him and climbed into the confessional opposite to him, and I asked him again. He screamed about how no one understood him. I told him not be such an emo oracle. He cried even more. Then I asked if the Multiplying Bunnies of Viagra had raped him. He whimpered and confessed. I jump out of the confessional and opened his door, beating him with my book of justice. He cried heavily, but I did what must be done. After it was over I told him that it hurt him a lot and that I enjoyed the hell out of it. With my theme song playing I continued my journey to seek The Mystery Pack of Ramen.
In the deeper recesses of The Fortress of Saucier I came across The Beast of Tim which roared with the intensity of a million demons. I laughed and tossed him an eyeball. He squeaked a little as the eye squished him. Moving on, I came across Tim himself who whimpered about his squished beast. I smashed him over the head with glee and stepped over his limp, dead body. The hallway which I passed through was dark and every second there sprang 404’s, but despite all the troubles my mission seemed closer to completion with every step. Then as I turned a corner I came to The Mythical Chamber of Saucier, and there in the center stood in all its glory The Mystery Pack of Ramen! I grabbed it off it’s pedestal and backed away.
I ran down the hall as fast as my toga covered legs would carry me. Running as hard as I could through the labyrinth with not a second to stop for breath. Any minute there could be another attack, and if I were exposed like this when they came, my butt certainly wouldn’t be safe. I ran with all of my might until I reached the end. I burst out into the courtyard to find Wheelchair-Shannon caught in an endless quest to overcome the resistance of the toddler’s head which was stuck in her wheel. I ran past her, dodging Jetpack-Jesus’s maneuver to avoid The-Gaylan’s shoe which still slammed into his nose. I jumped the now destroyed security fence that for so many years had protected The City of Saucier and entered the forest.
Inside it was dim. I was scared. I pissed my toga… wait, no I didn’t. I continued with great loyalty and bravery and a wet toga. Little eyes poked out from every direction, and I held up The Mystery Pack of Ramen. They backed away and I continued. When the forest seemed like it couldn’t get any thicker, I reached the end of the level and stared out into the white abyss. I called out to Root Bunny, and what came into veiw was the biggest fluffy friggin’ bunny my eyes had ever seen. My fingers twitched; I had to hit him with my book, but I restrained myself. The time would come. But come on, how many people get to smack Root Bunny with the best book ever… and in hard back?! So when he asked who it was, I opened The Mystery Pack of Ramen and sprang off the cliff out into Oblivion. I landed on Root Bunny, who screamed as The Mystery Pack of Ramen invaded his eye sockets. I began my melee attack and soon Root Bunny was bleeding from his ears. Then I unleashed my final blow of Pancakes! He started to fall, and I jumped off of him and back onto the cliff. He fell until his huge, horny little body was scrambled by the lack of coding.
I found my way out by using my amazing memory, realizing that there were no more Multiplying Bunnies of Viagra. I had beaten them all by doing the unimaginable and killing Root Bunny. I was a hero! After three days of wandering through the forest I finally reached the opening. I stood in the middle of the courtyard with my pee-stained toga and Root Bunny’s blood all over my book. I gazed at the empty opening and said to myself, “Sometimes I wonder if I’m a genius….”
I caught a strange sent and smelled my toga. “My toga kinda smells like poo…”
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
jebozid reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100% of the Item
When their work was finished the large group, which had grown larger, turned and left. – I would not describe raping as work. Just simply say they turned and left after the assault.
but I did what must be done – but I did what had to be done
with not a second to stop for breath. – not stopping for a second, even to catch my breath
hard back -> hardback
The rest seems fine, you may want to proof-read it a few times and decide whether you want to put commas at certain places (like to separate independent clauses) just to be grammatically correct. You can avoid commas at certain places just to rush the flow.
Enjoyed, again ;)
- add/view comments (0)
jebozid reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
Just as I picked up their sent – I think you meant “scent”, also put either a comma or a dash after ‘scent’
work was finished – comma after finished
First you say “They raped everything in sight” then after “and cleanse every person who was raped” – I think it would be more clear if you said “They raped everybody in sight”, or maybe they didn’t stop at persons?
Great imagination, I love the names you’ve invented.
“sending the two on a suicidal flight” – sounds weird, if someone sends you into it, it’s not suicide, suicide is each own’s decision, I would change ‘suicidal’ to fatal of something like that.
to which I did responded. – either ‘I responded’ or ‘I did respond’
When they did they came… – comma after ‘did’
each moaning – you don’t need ‘each’; the next sentence needs commas: after ‘spoken’ and after ‘action’
I’ll stop the missing-comma spotting now, just read it carefully and you’ll spot them (you don’t want to leave the piece this good looking unprofessional)
“With my theme song playing” – OK, this takes it over the top, my eyes are like fountains now, great atmosphere, funny as it gets
had to hit him with my book – maybe I wanted to hit him would suit better?
Overall, my toga is also pissed from laughing. Love your style, love the imagination, the names, the characters and I cheer that you continue writing in this manner.
You’ll have at least one loyal fan. Kudos!
Thoroughly enjoyed.
faydiablo reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
First of all, you talk about your toga way too much. We get that you are wearing a toga, and your comments like “I ran down the hall as fast as my toga covered legs would carry me” seem like they are just there to remind us that the character is wearing a toga. Also, how does a toga actually cover your legs?
Anyway, this was funny and really random, so I liked it.
arualsuga reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Hahaha, I wrote something like this once… during math class. lol. You must have been sooo bored. I’m not sure if this is the sam everywher, but in Australian-English the smell of something is ‘scent’ not ‘sent’ you spell it that way a couple of times.
the bit about the todller’s head was probably the most disturbing of all. Although the entire thing is the stuff of nightmares. (that’s a compliment by the way). Nice to see someone having fun with words instead of just portraying emotion.
adamsk13 reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Ok…so at the very beginning I felt really lost. I really had no clue what was going on. But once I read on a few more sentences I started to sort of get it a little better and really appreciate it for all of its silly, awkward, and unelievable moments. This is very well written and you clearly have a very strong imagination and talent for writing. I really hope you keep it up and i cant wait to read more of your work!
Emilee reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100%% of the Item
well. This was certainly random. I’m not sure where you’re going with this, it sounds like the stories my friends tell when they’re high. There are some funny parts but mostly i’m just like, wtf? Interesting use of pop culture with the names, some interesting slapstick humor, but mostly… I’m just confused by the whole thing!
regmusty reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100%% of the Item
You are definately out there.Noy quite my cup of tea although i can see how others would like it,that’s what it is all about.Well written and very well thought out,you have a very active imagination and lots of talent,therefore i urge you to keep at it.Well done and keep it up.
producerelf reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I didn’t find this, overall, to be that amusing because I couldn’t really tel lwhat was happening. There was a lot of chaos. But, if yo uwrote this out of boredem, continuity probably isn’t the buggest concer, however if youre trying to turn this into a more formal piece, I’d work on a bit of a plot and some characters and some dialouge and such.
dragonkiller07 reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Overall, it was fun…once I caught up. If your point is initial confusion then you did it, but once I caught the idea it was easier to get it. It seems almost too random to comprehend. Perhaps a little background or a hint or just a taste to prepare the reader.
I did enjoy the phrase,”After it was over I told him that it hurt him a lot and that I enjoyed the hell out of it.” Random acts of violence mixed with honesty is always fun.
Just have fun.
pinestategal reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Ok this is real funny. I got the impression toward the end that the narrator is in a video game. Am I correct? the only thing I noticed was the wrong use of the word sent in two lines. (1) Just as I picked up their sent the and the same in the line (2) I caught a strange sent and smelled my toga. I think you should have used “scent” My favorite line was “I pissed my toga… wait, no I didn’t. I continued with great loyalty and bravery and a wet toga.” Keep up the good work
Showing 1 - 10 of 15
Next →
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
12 Reviews 10 Comments
Version 2
Latest Activity: 3 months ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 226 Times
Skipped: 15 Times
Ratings & Rankings
