Poetry / Emergence

After reading your notes to reviewers,I’ll say this;Specificity is absent on all levels.What exactly,are you trying to say? Spend your time finding words that will impliment thoughts and emotion.Your resource for imagery is there.Poem is choppy from stanza to stanza to stanza.Needs adherence to central thoughts.

I found this poem vague and disjointed. The only concrete images that the reader is given in the second to last stanza. Drop all of the pluralization. Night instead of nights, a world instead of worlds, etc. This would create more specificity.

There is no transition between standing and sitting. First you are waiting for a seat then you use I sit in the declaritive sense, which means that you are already sitting. How did you get a seat?

How can your strength be your overbearing oversight exhausted into hallucination, into overambition? I do not think that strength is the right word here. Your strength is an oversight? What is it like to be exhausted into over ambition? None of this is clear. You should reconsider some of your word choices. For instance, narcolepsy is a desease where one falls asleep uncontrollably. Permission is not involved. These images are so jarring that I had a hard time reading this poem. You do not have to always use unique or different words to explain things. For instance, change fabric to shirt. When I think of fabric, I picture unmade material not clothing.

Best stanza in the poem:

especially my knees, especially my blister-ridden
and bleeding anticipations.

This encapsulates everything that this poem should be about. You seek, go through pain anticipating something at the end. This works well.

In the end this was very anticlimactic. It is as if you climbed to the top of a mountain (i.e. your goal), but all you see are the pain and discomforts it took to get there and finally the fact that you might have to possibly return there in the future. This poem will require much revision.

Things that must be removed:

I have failed to reserve.
My strength is
, into overambition,
permit no narcolepsy

Try it without this stuff and what I think you are trying to convey becomes much more apparent. Good luck.

Wow, that just rolled right off my tongue. I must commend you on your word choices, “blister- ridden/and bleeding anticipation” – gorgeous. That is except for, “and I am cold already and again”; Why not just “I am cold again, already” or “already, again”? I don’t get the title but I did thoroughly enjoy the content. I’m exhausted as well just from reading it.

This is a good poem, but I question the  use of the word “narcolepsy.”  I just don’t understand why that particular word is used, since its a disease that MAKES you fall asleep.  Unless you are conveying the idea that even a diesese like that could not let you sleep…