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Crime, Thrillers & Mystery / Bullet in My Head
Another dark corner in Hidden Secrets. With so many passed already and I’m still here standing, there must be something wrong. Everyone disappears around the corner in this hellhole, everyone but me. It’s amazing, I even fuck up my own plan on getting killed.
So I’m strolling down the street now, everyone turning their back at me and shouting whatever the hell they can come up with and think it is a curse. I heard worse, but they get to me and I only manage to keep on going thanks to fine tasting liquor in my right hand. I take another sip and struggle to go on as my legs stop working but to hell with it all. If I wasn’t Christian I’d shoot another hole in my head but suicide is a sin and so here I am waiting for my angel of death.
My strength finally decides to leave me but is sadistic enough to keep me conscious still, just lying down in the middle of Hidden Secrets. And what a shitty place did it pick to leave me, I’m lying outside nothing less but the Hidden Secrets subway entrance. I don’t need the rumours to tell me what horrors await any lost soul that believes there is nothing more to the subway system than meets the eye. Fuck, even the cops don’t dare go down there. I’ve lost too many colleagues until we made that rule.
How ironic isn’t it? The car drives past a fallen drunk on the street that wanted to die just little while ago and is now doing her best to get away from the most terrifying zone of Hidden Secrets just to save her neck. Its almost amazing to see how the world spins around rapidly and my legs are still numb to feel, still out of control.
A small paper flows down the street and I do my best to catch it. Hell, if I am to wait for my certain death I don’t plan to be bored. The paper is a strap of the latest Hidden Secrets’ Times issue. Not surprisingly the caption says: “Capaliery Dead, Brownswood On The Run”. Heard all that before. Good old Johnny Brownwood is really making a name for himself now. And they sent me to chase him…what an honour really, but I didn’t give a shit. He got away, good for him, but why the fuck did they sack me?
Finally I hear someone coming up the steps of the subway entrance. Its defiantly a guy, I can tell that much but I rather take the risk of missing all his features just so I can close my eyes and pretend I’m unconscious. At least they won’t torture me. It seems that after all I’ll find my death today. Funny how the things I stop looking for just come naturally. Just my luck.
He kicks me and I open my eyes with shout of pain as my jaw clicks and blood starts pouring out of my mouth. I caught on it straight away and do my utmost best not to choke on my own blood. I have to, if I didn’t it’d still be a sin. Keep on fighting, I tell myself just to get my mind thinking of how screwed up I really was.
“Commissar Oversight, what a pleasure,” he laughs and kicks me again.
I finally figure out how did that science bastard figure out the gravity as with the kick I realize who this son of a bitch is. My good old partner, Mr James. That’s what my rookie, smart-ass partner used to call himself when he was assigned to me. I still remember his smart ass comments about law and what is right. Fuck that. He never really did understand how to deal with people in Hidden Secrets. Law has nothing to do with the things cops do around here. Order? Well there is some…or there was rather.
He picks me up, still laughing and carries me deeper into the subway. I can hear his heavy boots touching the marble stone floor of the subway station and the echo only grows louder as we get deeper and deeper.
Finally he drops me to the floor and I actually can feel some of my strength returning to me. The drop bruises my left arm and I feel the impact on my ribs but I still manage to stand up and look into the bastard’s eyes.
He is dressed all in black clothing, from head to toes, only his rotten, smiling face being visible along with the skate-board the gang down here issues to everyone of its members. Some people refer to them as hooligans or as kids with too much free time. In my eyes they are an organization, much more modern than the mob without any rules or regulations where their only objective is to have fun by spreading chaos. Not that the mob weren’t doing that, but we had them under control. Now that Johnny killed of Don Capaliery, however we no longer had anything under control.
“You fuck up, I knew there was something wrong with your ugly face,” I manage to say, knowing that I’m dead anyway.
“And you should have died when I shot you,” he replies with a smile as he reaches out to take out a Taurus, the exactly same one Johnny had when I was chasing him this morning.
I couldn’t care less about Brownswood, thought. It was what that son of the bitch said that made my mind work exactly the same way like when I was about to solve a case by putting all the facts together. Finally learning what was happening, my hand slowly raised to touch the hole in my head where my left eye used to be.. I should have figured it out, shit. Now I was about to die because I wasn’t able to pull a few facts together. The world really spins way too fast to be understood.
“Damn right, you’re quite smart Commissar,” he laughs again and pointed the Taurus at me, “I’ve got nothing personal against you, Oversight but you understand you just have to die. And now even Brownswood comes into the must kill category. People idolize you too much. It’s too dangerous for us…”
All I hear is a gunshot and after that my consciousness slips way. Another hole in my head, another lead bullet that destroyed my life. I can still feel the sickly white liquid coming up from my stomach and pouring out of my mouth. Brownswood, Johnny Brownswood, are my last thoughts as I finally depart on the final leg of my journey to heaven, the nice liquor in my hand once again.
Another dark corner in Hidden Secret, another surprise. They say all you need is a partner. That working in pair is much better than being alone. That all we need is our other half. Ten years I’ve managed to work on my own. They give me a partner and after two months I’m dead.
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forgetaboutit reviewed Version 1 -
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hey,
I had commented on your other story Johnny Brownswood.
This beats it by a lot.
I enjoyed this more
poor drunky
Shaman of Sexy
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BigMamaMags reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow, very interesting piece. I especially love the phrase “My strength finally decides to leave me but is sadistic enougth to keep me conscious.” Are you sure your 16? lol! You have a very unique way of expressing yourself in your writing. I, likewise, think you should continue to write. You might even consider putting all your stories about Hidden Secrets into one book, (an anthology) or connect them as you spoke of to make one long story that takes place there. You make your characters come to life (pardon the fact that Commissar Oversight died at the end). You have a good story line going. Would love to read more.
SeattleghostWriter reviewed Version 1 -
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Sharon reviewed Version 1 -
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jeremycage reviewed Version 1 -
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This had a nice noirish feel to it that could have been enhanced by making it just a little longer and adding enough details about the overall situation to make things easier to read. Not having read the first one, I’m having trouble figuring out whether HS is some kind of limbo dimension or an actual city or just what. Nevertheless, it holds together on its own logic, even if I don’t understand all the logic.
You have some serious mechanical issues with prose and especially punctuation that if addressed would make this piece much, much better. It’s got potential, and you should keep writing, but you should do a lot of editing, as well.
YolandaRenee reviewed Version 1 -
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Keep writing you definitly have talent, and I find your work interesting.
Claire_D reviewed Version 1 -
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An interesting take on the detective story that is a little to consciously literary in places. Such sections at “another lead bullet that destroyed my life” sound as though you are striving to make the piece more poetic than it is or indeed than it needs to be.
However, Brownswood has depth and a steely quality afoot. I was able to enjoy him for this reason, and you do exercise a great control over the rhythm of your narrative.
Cestlavive reviewed Version 1 -
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Some parts i didn’t under stand i guess i should read the other parts. I like it though, its pretty morbid and all that especially at the end with the whole white liquid thing. It captures my attention for sure, but why did you chose the name Hidden secret’ ? Just wondering.
But good job and i hope to read more from you.
RScottStewart reviewed Version 1 -
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On the technical side, the story needs better editing. For example, “Now that Johnny killed of Don…” was surely meant to be “killed off.” Also consistancy in names is important. Brownswood is also typed Brownwood.
The story itself is excellent. It uses genre and generational cliche to say a lot in less words, for example, . While we are taught in English composition to avoid such things, this is not a term paper, so it works. Overall I would say that this is a really nice piece of work for a high school student. “Now I was about to die because I couldn’t put a few facts together” ties in with “People idolize you too much. It’s too dangerous for us.” One getstheimpression that conspiracy in Hidden Secrets is greater than the mob, and the corruption isn’t coming from the collapsing infrastructure of the streets. It is coming from the suites of City Hall.
David_Harty reviewed Version 1 -
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Not bad, not bad at all. I like the characters and the plot development, although the main-ideas for the characters are a bit over used in these types of stories, I feel that you did pull it off quite well, and for others who disagree they can at least say that your intentions in character development were good in trying to seperate from the common…
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