Action Adventure / The Letter
February 21, 1847.
St. Joseph, Mo.
Today was important as papa was going to purchase our wagons. Strange thing happened today, the hotel clerk had a letter for us from Uncle Jessie, there was lots of money in the envelope.
Chapter 6
The Letter
There was a knock on the door. “Adena, you goin’ to sleep all day? We’re waiting for you so we can have breakfast.”
Adena woke to the sound of her father’s voice as she rubbed the sleep from my eyes. The yellow rays of the sun shined through the gaps between the wall boards told her the snow storm was over, at least for now it was, but it was very cold and she could see her breath. Quickly she dressed as the gnawing hunger pangs told her it had been a long time since she had supper last evening. She went to the window and everything was painted white. The hills were so beautiful against the light blue of the sky.
“I’m awake and getting dressed,” she answered as she slipped into her dress.
Ten minutes lapsed when she came down the stairs into the hotel lobby she saw Jack McMenomy sitting by the fire with his father, her father standing by the fire and his foot propped on the stone hearth.
Jack instantly sprang to his feet when his eyes met with Adena’s. “Good morn’, been sittin’ here a spell waitin’ fer yer to come down. Hear tell they’re serving flap johns an’ me stomach tells me I could eat a healthy stack.”
Adena felt a warmth rushed through her as she reached out to Jack and he took her hand. “Bet you could,” Adena replied heading for the door.
Frank and William walked briskly towards Martha’s Kitchen. Frank looked back down the wooden walk and could see his daughter and Jack walking at their own pace hand in hand. The warmth of the restaurant greeted them as Frank entered and saw Tom McMenomy and his wife, Emma sitting at a table next to the hot large pot belly stove.
“Where’s Jack?” Emma asked. “It’s cold out there.”
Frank grinned. “He’s comin’ holdin’ hands with Adena. Young love ya know, dun think they can feel the cold.”
They all laughed as Jack held the door open then followed Adena to the table where her father sat with Jack’s parents.
Martha, the owner of the establishment, came over to the table. “Coffee ‘round?”
Tom looked at each one at the table, each nodded then he replied, “Coffee ‘round with milk on the side.” He couldn’t miss Irish brogue in Martha’s voice.
“Good,” she answered and a smile beamed from ear to ear hearing Tom’s Irish accent. “I be servin’ flap johns an’ a slab of ham or a slab of ham with a couple eggs, ‘tis fresh too, gathered ‘em this morn, right early…..an’ got some fried ‘taters to go with the slab an’ eggs.”
Frank looked around to see who would order first so he took the lead. “I’ll have the slab of ham an’ eggs.”
Jack ordered next. “Me stomach is aching for the flap johns with the slab of ham.”
“Me too,” Adena said smiling at Jack. “I want the same.”
Frank just shook his head and a grin spread across his lips. “When did you start liking flap johns? I thought you da not like them.”
Adena’s face grew warm and flush at her father’s question. “I know, papa. I want to try them again.”
Frank looked at his daughter then Jack, “Ya will like them ‘cause Jack likes them.”
“They make such a handsome couple,” Emma said then broke into a long spell of coughing.
“Mama, ya ok?” Jack asked, concern clearly showing on his face.
“’Tis nothing,” Emma replied taking deep breaths and Jack could hear her wheezing as she exhaled.
Before Jack could say a word, the woman arrived carrying a large tray of cups of hot coffee, steam rising quickly from each cup. “Be careful,” she said, “the coffee is very hot, just came off the fire.”
“When da ya wan’ go to the wainwright’s?” Tom asked while feeling the cup sitting in front of him.
Frank tried to take a sip of coffee, “that’s too hot to drink!” He put down the cup as he replied, “when we finish breakfast. We can’t stay too much longer in the hotel room, we’ll run out of money.”
“We’ll be staying with the other emigrants down by the river,” Tom said, then added, “we’re not getting any warmth in the hotel room.”
“’Tis true,” Jack agreed just as the Martha’s daughter arrived serving breakfast.
Jack couldn’t believe the size of the flap johns. They came on a large plate and hung over the edges. The slab of ham came on its own plate. A moment later, Martha came to the table with a pitcher of syrup.
Frank didn’t miss the fact his young son, William, had caught the fancy of Martha’s daughter who appeared to be his age. “I think she likes you,” Frank said teasing his son. “She’s a looker too.”
William’s face exploded into a deep red as he blushed. He wanted to say something, but the words just wouldn’t come out.
Seeing William’s predicament, the young woman came over to him, wrapped her arms around his shoulders as she stood behind him. “Hello, I’m Dottie,” she said in a sultry voice. Her fingers slowly ran through William’s blonde hair, “Martha is my mother.”
Everyone at the table, except for William, laughed out loud as Martha said, “Dottie, there are other tables that need to be served.”
“Yes, ma,” Dottie replied and went to her duties.
When they finished breakfast, the men-folk went to the Wainwright’s shop and the women went to the hotel lobby.
Prior to breakfast, the lobby had been empty but now it was nearly full. This was the social hot spot for the women during the cold days. Only in the evenings did the men keep the fires burning at the camps.
Frank and Tom along with their sons entered the Wainwright’s shop. There was some similarity to the blacksmiths shops back home. But unlike the blacksmith’s back in Virginia, there were several wagons in various stages of completion. Each had two young men busily working on their assigned wagon.
A large, husky, solidly built middle aged man approached and when he spoke in a German accent, his voice could easily be heard over the noise of the work. “How may I help you? I am Klaus, the owner.”
“We’re going to California in the Spring,” Tom said, then added, “We’ll need three wagons, unless, Frank, you’ll need a second wagon.”
“One for us,” Frank agreed.
“Ve can do that,” Klaus said as he led the men over to a drafting table where he took out several drawings from the top drawer. The first one was not much more than a typical farm wagon. Then he took out a second drawing. This one had a hidden bed under the main bed, there were doors on the sides for storage, the rear sides had barrows for water. There was a second piece of canvas that would be used as a skirt that went around the bottom of the wagon so they could have privacy when sleeping under the wagon.
Klaus took out a third drawing, it was intended to be a hoodlum wagon. Both Tom and Frank agreed, “We want the second one. Three of them”, Frank said, “One for me, and two fer Tom”.
“I use the best oak for the box and I cock the joints and corners to make them water proof so the wagon will float,” Klaus said as he picked up a scrap piece of wood. “The wheels are made of Osage and lined with a steel rim.”
“And the canvass?” Frank asked.
“It is strong and waterproof,” Klaus replied. “Ya, der supplies vill stay dry.”
“Good,” Tom said. There was an awkward moment of silence as Tom and Frank were thinking.
Frank broke the silence, “Yes, they are very good wagons. I like them. How much do they cost?”
Klaus wiped his hands on his apron. He looked at both men and decided they were honest and he would give them a break. “$85.00 per wagon,” he responded.
Tom looked at Frank shaking his head. “That’s more than I expected. Back home I could have bought a wagon for $50.00”
“I’ll include the canvass,” Klaus quickly added.
Frank looked at Tom and he gave an approving nod. “Deal,” Frank said as he shook Klaus’ hand.
“When will they be ready?” Tom wanted to know.
“Next week,” Klaus answered, then asked, “Do you have oxen?”
“No,” Tom responded. “Do you know where we may purchase a couple yoke of oxen per wagon?”
A broad smile flashed across Klaus face, “Yes, my brother, Manford, has a farm just north of town. He’s raising oxen and sells them for $20.00 a yoke plus the harnesses. I can have him bring them here.”
“That will be good,” Frank said.
Frank, Tom, and their sons left the wainwright believing they got the best possible deal for the wagons. Slowly they walked towards the hotel where they were staying.
“I was thinking, but didn’t want to say anything back there,” Frank said then paused for a moment, “how are ya going to drive 2 wagons?”
Jack chuckled. “I be driving one.”
“That will be a lonely job all by yourself,” Frank wondered.
“I be meaning to talk to ya about that,” Jack said feeling the warmth in his face growing.
Frank nodded sensing what was coming.
Jack cleared his throat. “I wish to ask fer yer permission to call on Adena.”
“Yes, you do have my permission to call on her.” Frank replied as they arrived at the hotel. “Yer a fine young man.”
Tom held the door open as the men entered the lobby. The women were seated around the room all seemingly talking at the same time. Jack went over and stood by Adena. She took his hand in hers.
Tom came over to the fireplace to warm himself. A moment later he asked, “Where’s Emma?”
“She went up to your room to lie down,” Adena replied, then added, “she wasn’t feeling good and her coughing became worse.”
“I should fetch a doctor,” Tom said.
“We already did that, Tom.” One of the women volunteered.
“Papa”, Adena said, “The clerk said there is a letter for you but he wouldn’t give it to me. But I could see it was from uncle Jessie.”
Frank gave his daughter a hug then went to the hotel desk. The clerk gave the thick envelope to Frank. With no one near by, Frank opened the envelope. There was a short note and lots of money. Looking around he didn’t see anyone around as he slipped the money into his jacket and went back to the lobby.
“Jessie just sent this note,” Frank said as he began to read the note aloud so Adena and William could hear.
“Frank, I’ve heard rumors how expensive everything is in St. Joseph
and in California. I don’t think I gave you nearly enough money so I have enclosed a $10,000 note for you to put in the bank and $5,000 in cash. If that is not enough, just let me know.
Jessie”
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You have the start of something, but it does need work. A few examples:
“Adena woke to the sound of her father’s voice as she rubbed the sleep from my eyes” Your eyes? Huh? Plus maybe a little change on the phrase “woke to”. Didn’t she wake because of it?
“She went to the window and everything was painted white. The hills were so beautiful against the light blue of the sky.” Not everything is painted white, as you just said. There’s the blue of the sky, the yellow of the sun, things like that. It makes for a strange read.
“Frank looked around to see who would order first so he took the lead. ’I’ll have the slab of ham an’ eggs.’” How can he take the lead because of looking around?
It’s the little things like that that stop a story from being all it can be.
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Well done!
I really like the way you set-up your sentences when a character speaks while doing something. For example:
“I’m awake and getting dressed,” she answered as she slipped into her dress.
I do not write my sentences the same way. Mine look like this:
“I’m awake and getting ready.” She answered as she slipped into her dress.
I think your use of the comma works better. Overall, I was drawn into the story immediately and I am interested in knowing what else happens. It was a wonderful read for an icy sleeting Sunday in Chicago.
-Michael
i think i have read one of your chapters before. this is entertaining. not quite my style, but definitely worth publishing. the dialouge/content is of-the-era and flows naturally. the only problem i have with this individual piece is that it’s not particularly exciting, nor action-packed. granted, it is only one chapter of 32.
My overall impression was that this wasn’t a great chapter to use to ‘sell’ the book. The pace is rather sedate and the dialogue a little prosaic. Nothing really happens. People talk to each other a lot but the action is limited. The writing, however, is lucid and flowing and it cleverly and effectively evokes the period. I am sure the book is full of adventures and and intrigue and, although I’m not a fan of westerns (films or books) I’d like to look at other samples in which there is a greater sense of plot and direction.
This is definitely publishable and I look foreward to reading the rest of it.
Your style is readable and interesting and your writing carries the reader effortlessly.
Even though this is the first time I have read any of this, I find your characters very real. I really went back into the times you were writing in as you set the scene very well.
This 84 word review has not been unlocked.
This piece of writting is good.You did a good job of the setting.I could see it in my head.The characters and the dialogue all kept me drawn in so good job.Not my usual read but liked it nonetheless.Im definately gonna read more stories by you.Just keep me updated on more.
You lost me here…”Adena woke to the sound of her father’s voice as she rubbed the sleep from my eyes”. Which tense are you using here as it immediately confuses the reader? A publisher would put it down and not read on…as I would have but wanted the credits. Your first impression to a publisher has to be a good one, otherwise they lose interest. NIce story though, although a bit too “Grapes of Wrath” for me
A nice chapter. I could really get a sense of this small western town and this family preparing on their journey. Much of this seemed to be setup for the action to come on the trip. More like an intermediary but necessary chapter setting some things in motion and explaining others.
Some things I noticed:
-The yellow rays of the sun shined through the gaps between the wall boards told her
Be careful of tense. I think you meant shining here.
-Ten minutes lapsed…
This sentence is very awkward as it’s trying to describe not only how long she took but everyone’s placement at the foot of the stairs. Perhaps breaking it into smaller chunks to give it clarity.
-“They make such a handsome couple
I notice throughout this that you are making the dialog realistic to the characters, a great and brave technique. For a while I couldn’t figure out the accent because of a couple of things. The thing that caught me on the above quote is that it seems suddenly as if this character has no native dialog. Everyone around her is speaking in accent and she says this without one. Does that make sense?
-One for me, and two fer Tom
Here the accent dialog is inconsistent within the same character’s voice. If he says for the first time and fer the second time meaning the same word, then his accent has no rules. Someone would say the same words in the same way especially in the same sentence.
-got the best possible deal for the wagons
We really don’t need this line since its already inferred. If they didn’t think they got the best deal then they probably wouldn’t have purchased or they would have commented their disappointment with Krouse that there weren’t other wagon makers in town.
-drive 2 wagons
Be careful of using numbers. Anything from at least zero to nine should be spelled out. After that it’s really a matter of preference.
-With no one near by…Looking around he didn’t see anyone
The with no one near by isn’t needed here. Show us he is concerned someone will see as you do in the second part of this and you don’t need the first part.
Again, a nice chapter. Authentically sounding regional dialog is a very hard thing to attempt, that’s why in my opinion you are very brave to do so. I look forward to more.
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