Poetry / Psychosis: Never See and Always Know
Love she said as she walked away,
Pities deliverance from harms way,
To live in fear of tomorrow,
I’ll always know nothing ever stays,
You always boast as you withdraw,
All along you wanted to see me crawl,
And I still see the beauty,
Every time the counterfeit falls,
None of these pieces ever seem to fit,
And your words never seem to up lift,
Life is never bliss,
But I am the one who doesn’t exist,
And this black earth no longer spins,
It lies broken,
Held together by needles and pins,
Words are glass
As the mirror stares upon you,
And I laugh,
As your own thoughts tear through
I am the eyes
That you’re afraid to look upon,
I am death,
And all your hopes are now gone,
Sky grows black
And you took everything but rain,
It was you in fact,
Who made your thrown of pain,
I believed in a day other than today,
I realized colors only exists to fade,
And slowly I took everything,
Before we found the light of May,
The mirror shows not but your sins,
You can never choose how it begins,
Yet Before you find meaning
You’ll surely choose how it ends
Mirrors reflect people you never knew,
As they slowly disappear few by few,
Who is left,
It is me, I am you
I’m all alone now
Alone without you
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Very good! I loved the way this piece flowed. It’s rather bleak but I can’t say I’ve ever had a problem with that. Besides what’s poetry for if you can’t let the black blood out?
Here’s my favorite part:
“As your own thoughts tear through
I am the eyes
That you’re afraid to look upon,
I am death,
And all your hopes are now gone,”
Awesome!
Morbid as I am I can’t help but smile. Great work. Makes me glad I came back to Urbis after this almost eleven month hiatus.
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well i won’t point out grammer besides the use of the word ‘thrown’, i’m not sure but i think you meant ‘throne’, as in a king’s seat.
it is very pessimistic but i can understand longing for a companion. i enjoy the imagery and the mirror metaphors are excellent. keep it up. if you are truly death, i’ll keep my distance. i do really enjoy this peice and appreciate it’s perspective.
Okay – I won’t mention spelling or punctuation but I will say that I did like this poem. You use some lovely imagery – I especially liked the start of the third stanza.
However, I think your poem would benefit from a tighter rhythm. At times I fumbled over the first stanza and it seemed a little clumsy, but the second stanza and the end of the third were very effective. I don’t mean any kind of particular form or meter, just something that would make the poem read a little better.
Good work.
Overall I really enjoyed this poem. It was gritty, creepy and held a taste of chill. I liked the rhyme scheme you hold, I like the mood that is played and I liked how I read it only once and enjoyed it as a reader rather than someone looking for mistakes. I could go over it again to search and pinpoint any errors, if any. But I won’t, being that I read it and enjoyed it as a reader I don’t want to sour the enjoyment that came out of it. Good entertainment.
As far as publishing, well, Yes you do have some creative talent but, the publishing world is brutal and very competative. Here’s where the skills for mastering the craft comes in handy. You’d have to research and keep at it over and over again until it’s your last drop of “best”.
You could attract an agent, but you would have to convince him or her through your writing to invest their time into you. In short, make them fall in love with your works. Just keep writing, you can only get better! Best of luck!
First Impression:
This pen sings and dances across the page. The strangers within us all we find after we look into the mirror of our own soul. The inner child, the inner he or she, the inner incubus, and the inner bringer of light.
Suggetions for Improvement:
None. I found this pen inticing until the very end.
Content:
Your debth revealed in this poem is as steep as the ocean blue and as dense as the universe before being born.
Overall:
I hope to read more of your poetry and that it is as inspiring and moving as this piece was.
Blessed Be~
)O(
DragonBlue
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