Poetry / Anonymity: Your Deathly Masterpiece
Their was a murder on your mind,
Always moving and so hard to find,
Breaking the light that wasn’t there,
Wasn’t the first time I seen a murder of this kind,
I look into you my dear mirror,
Killing pain with your beloved spear,
I would reach for you my reflection,
But it’s the first time I wished you were never here,
Young minds have become lost,
Your reasoning is beginning its loss,
Selfish mutinous thieving portrait,
Your words haunt themselves as you pay the cost,
Bow to the king
And destroy everything,
But it drew near to the end
Before you thought to defend,
Burnt down gates
And everlasting hate,
Yet you still can’t mend
Till you start to descend
Admired the great fake,
It grew far too late,
Advertise the mess you make,
Marketed reasons
Or marketed mistakes,
Smoking life away
Just to see and take,
Goodbye goodbye,
Your nowhere in sight,
You fall to this lie,
Without a try,
Your fixed upon lies,
Are a buyers guides to your paradise,
Their was darkness on your mind,
Always lost and never trying to find,
The devils fingers tangled in your hair,
Always complaining about how the end is never kind,
Staring into your broken mirror,
Past chances pierce with a final spear,
Evils constant need for resurrection,
I’m glad you will never be able to bring the demons here,
You my friend have truly become lost,
My hands are clean but mind is at a loss,
Gazing for hours upon this last portrait,
Liars will lie as they dread the end and its final cost
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I sense that this about some great loss, I can’t locate the tragedy within the piece however. Is it a personal loss or an over all societal loss that you are trying to convey to the reader? As a piece of poetry I feel that it was written with great thought and intent,I sensed also that the descent was maybe a personal one,but the author could have just been affected by anothers demise. I think talent takes effort however. Good luck in your continued writings.
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This is very good. It’s very personal which may make it hard to publish but then who am I to say. The theme of the dark side of oneself through the mirror is always intriguing.
The repeated rhyme scheme at the start and finish is interesting and sets up a nice echo. I’m not sure though if it’s not restricting you too much. The first verse is stronger than the last which is trying to hold onto the rhyming of the first.
In the echo of the spear from the first to the last verse I’d drop “with” or else change “with a” to “the.”
Also in the echo of lost I’d change, “have truly become” to merely “are” or maybe “are truly.”
I think the grammar is fine but I’d fix the spelling errors like “their” and “your.”
Nice!
I liked it so much that I had to read it aloud. I liked the rhyme and the flow of it. I can imagine someone reading this at an open-mic night or something similar. I love the juxtaposition of death, killing, and portraits.
Overall, I give you an average of seven out of ten. Reason for this being is that the rhyming scheme seems to falll off from time to time and causes the readers eyes to fall back and re-read in the middle of the poem.
I like the story like element you have here, I like the wicked like suttle mood you place and I like the potential this piece holds.
I think with a tad more adjusting in tweaking some on the “hooking the reader” and work more towards the rhyming scheme. It can go good.
As for publishing, It could be good material for publishing but, you have to really grab the reader and keep them held on. This is where the rhyming scheme comes into place. Remember, the publishing world is very brutal and the competition is outragous.
You could attract an agent, but can you convince him or her to go invest their time in you. Thats where the tweaking also helps.
The creativity is good, just need to keep practicing. Best of luck!
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