Duly noted. Did you lose interest because it lost it’s linear narrative structure and diverged into a list of abstract does and don’ts (timeless rules of thumb), or because it was a barrage of commands, essentially? I can see how someone would turn off to that. I tried to stick with a narrative of a “typical day in the life of” the good, honest, loyal employee, but found there were multiple larger issues that needed to be addressed as demands on this man’s ego.
Poetry / We Have the Information (Living the Future)
We can make you better than you were born.
Smarter.
Healthier.
More productive.
Eight hours of sleep per day.
Fifteen minutes of rigorous calisthenics after rising and before going to bed.
Your meal plan calls for plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables,
high fiber, and a glass of soy milk three times per day. (No dairy or refined sugar.)
Wash down your vitamins, prescription medications, and preservatives.
Press your clothing and use generous amounts of starch.
Kiss younger daughter on your way out the door (queue: GIGGLE)
Look both ways. Be cognizant of other drivers and pedestrians.
You will arrive on time, cheery eyed, and ready to work.
Speak only when spoken to, smile when laughed at. -Be humble.-
You will fit in well
if you don’t stare at the women.
Take pride in your lawn.
Chat around the water cooler, volunteer for overtime, give your boss the credit for your accomplishments,
even though he’s a five-hundred pound guerrilla.
We’re all on the same team here.
Go back to school, earn a degree, have someone else’s ideas installed in your grey.
You will be programmed with consensual reality. (Doesn’t that sound wonderful?)
When your efficiency suffers,
Relax.
Go on a vacation in the Bahamas or the Riviera.
I hear Alaska is beautiful this time of year.
The choice is yours.
Walk on white, stop on red.
Buy your wife flowers, chocolates, a new car,
so she will leave you alone to watch the game.
Don’t fast-forward through the commercials.
Don’t conduct research before making a purchase or forming an opinion.
We only have your best interests at heart.
Spend some of that hard-earned cash. Or credit.
Buy a new boat, or lawnmower, or CDs, or pornography.
Upgrade your life.
INSERT PAID ADVERTISEMENT HERE
Pay compliments to your wife. (Don’t grope at her breasts.)
Ask older daughter how her day went (queue: MALICE)
Discretion and moderation in all things.
A drink once in a while. (when the strain is too much)
A little dope now and again.
Reserve some ME time.
It will calm your nerves and stop your hands from shaking when you’re hungry.
Pick up a hobby.
Masturbate.
You’ve earned it. (Forget those nasty images of rancid meat and festering scabs.)
Have a boy’s night out at the bar. Play a friendly game of pool.
Drink no more than two beers. (Gratuity = Total X .15)
Admire the women -but don’t touch them-
Visit with your psychiatrist. She’s certified to assist you in being
Calm, level, someone we all want to be around.
She will adjust you to be like them (avoids conflict and poor annual reviews)
Normalized.
No more lust or rage.
No longer prone to fits of crying and manic outbursts. (Isn’t life a blessing without passion?)
No more loud noises or snarling in the bedroom,
attempting to claw a hole through the gypsum board.
No more risk, or adversity to overcome.
No reason to excel.
Write your dreams on college-ruled sheets of white paper,
fold them up, and promptly feed them to the garbage disposal. (It likes the taste.)
You can achieve consistent results.
You will help us
make you:
Smarter.
Healthier.
Perfectly content.
You’re on your way to becoming
The Informed Man, lost in the works, bolted to the machinery.
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Marvin reviewed Version 1 -
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Heather92 reviewed Version 1 -
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This seems like a day-to-day theme. Dealing with coworkers and friends, then getting home and live life by the certain “etique” that we have set upon ourselves. It is definately something to think about. As far as poetry, the beat is hard to find, you really have to dig for it. In music you can manipulate this, but when it is in writing you can’t do it as much.
Over-all good job there was alot of thought in this.
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jaa9270 reviewed Version 1 -
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amazing social commentary.
“We can make you better than you were born.”
sounds like the beginning the six million dollar man. in a good way.
“Go back to school, earn a degree, have someone else’s ideas installed in your grey.” great line.
the imperativeness makes it sound like your hypnotizing/brainwashing the reader into the squeaky clean existence everyone envies yet dreads.
i like it.
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robertryburn reviewed Version 1 -
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Well I liked your words at first. After the first few paragraphs I lost interest.
Your words made me feel like I was there in the first few paragraphs.
Remember the rules of writing.
Who,what,when,where,why,how and feel.
Otherwise I think you did well.
Good luck.
ScottBJohnson reviewed Version 1 -
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Well I certainly get a feeling of the movies Fahrenheit 451 and Equilibrium. This piece definitely conjures some of the aspects of the Ludovico technique from A Clockwork Orange as well. It’s something I could hear being played to the masses over loudspeakers as they are administered behavior inhibiting drugs. So if that was your purpose, you’ve certainly achieved it there. There’s a couple of bits in here that sort of cancel each other out in my mind. There’s all this “look but don’t touch” stuff about women, but it’s ok to buy pornography?
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