Thanks, i’ve already been notified about the errors and I will fix them:D
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Waiting For Yesterday Chapter Six-
However little he wanted it to be, every look became more and more painful. Little by little the thoughts of Lea came back into Helliot’s mind, pain accompanying them. With every glance he got of Trixie, her features blended more into a teary blur of nothingness. Instead a new sharp image, a new person, was standing in front of him.
Her hair was dark black, the colour of the darkest night. Her face almost as indescribable as Trixie’s. Her eyes were the very fiery rocks of molten lava. Her thin lips were curled in her usual smile, her cheeks so tender and soft to touch. Her figure, her breasts, her legs, her hands they were all very best he could ever ask for. I remember this exact description…
Lea was standing in front of Helliot, stretching out her hand towards him. He could see the cute, small finger’s desire to reach him and he, tranced, slowly began to unfold his own arm to touch her. As their fingers were only millimetres away Helliot could see Lea’s smile widening, the exact same smile she always put on when he got her a present, and her eyes glowing with joy.
“Helliot, are you ok?” he heard a distant echo calling to him from every direction. He began to look around to find the source of that voice but his efforts were futile. Yet even that little distraction made Lea, the reaching hand towards him, disappear and back was Trixie, with a frown of concern and her eyes fixed on him.
He looked down on the ground, not bearing to look into Trixie’s eyes. How could he left Lea get away? She was so close, the tips of their fingers almost touching each other, the magical friction of her touch. How could he now look into anyone’s eyes when he was sure that the blur through which he looked on the world now was indeed made up of his tears?
“Helliot?” Trixie tried one more time, her tender voice filled with concern for him. As soon as the melody of her his name reached his ear-drum and was processed to his brain he knew he had to answer her.
“I’ll be better tomorrow,” he used his usual reply which never really did convince anyone that what he was saying was true. It didn’t even convince him this time so he added: “it’s just all this fighting, you know?”
“Tell me about it,” she said, smirking this time, “fist time they put me out here I got sick three times.”
“You’re still doing great, kid,” Bouncer joined the conversation at this point, stepping forward towards Helliot, “someone just tried to kill you and you’re already thinking about tomorrow.”
Helliot cursed himself for not staying with the tough-guy type of speech to get everyone’s respect. Instead he was being again himself, again doing the same old things and thinking about past. It seemed like that chapter of his life was never going to end, no matter how hard he really wanted it to be.
He noticed Bouncer still walking towards him and raising his hand as if to tap him on the shoulders. After that, however, the warrior made a swift loop, almost a jump at Helliot, using all his weight to bring the boy down on the ground in such a speed and with enough force that Helliot didn’t even try to resist.
The impact of the fall was immediate as he felt the pressure of the chain mail and ground work on his ribs and his left shoulder. “Bouncer!!!” they all screamed as if to confirm Helliot’s suspicion that this brought down is not just some kind of a greeting in this world.
He tried to force his way from under Bouncer, surprised that no one came to aid or that not even Bouncer himself would make any effort to stand up. His hand, hanging loosely hit Helliot’s face as he unrolled the warrior away and looked back at it to figure out what was happening around him.
An arrow was struck through a link in Bouncer’s chain mail hood, hitting him straight into his forehead. He lied there, motionless. Helliot quickly put his ear towards the warrior’s nose, but found only what he was afraid of. Life have slipped away from Bouncer.
As he was going over the events quickly inside his mind, it quickly hit him why Bouncer was actually dead- he was protecting him. _That jump…Bouncer must have seen one of the Mutants who was about to shoot me…_an icy shock ran through his spine as he realized that the exact same Mutant might be targeting him once again. Helliot spun into all directions to find the sniper, but all he could see was Zealot smashing the head off a Mutant holding onto to a bow.
Zealot didn’t stop just there. The grief he felt for the loss of a friend must have fuelled his anger for he was in the middle of the Mutant group, killing great many of them with just one swing of the mace and knocking many unconscious. Trixie was following his example as she jumped, next to about twenty Mutants, and started swirling in mid-air her two axes all around her, it seemed. The gust of wind hurled the Mutants to the air and closer to Trixie as they all came too close for their own security and were chopped off into many pieces when they tasted the steel of Trixie’s axes.
Helliot stood up, mesmerized by the events that unfolded in front of his eyes just a few seconds ago. He watched as Trixie and Zealot tore their way through the enemy ranks, large amounts of Mutants falling dead with every step those two took. He felt the urge to cheer them, but hearing the screams of falling Mutants and with one look at Bouncer’s body he dismissed it straight away.
“Why? Why did you die for me?” he asked as he still stared at the corpse in front of him. He knew there would no reply to his question, but he just had to ask. As his eyes trailed off to the arrow stuck in Bouncer’s forehead a feeling of guilt entertained his mind.
“It was his Fate. Just like not dying was part of yours, outsider,” he heard the mechanical shout that reminded him of words being formed.
He looked back, to the direction from where the words came. A Mutant was standing there with a wound on its back. It stared at him, as if studying every move that he made and slowly accessing the situation. Its mouth opened and its hands turned to fists as fright began to shook Helliot’s body.
He tried to focus his mind on something else, something that would shake away the fright the Mutant must have sensed. But there was nothing to think about. Right now all his thoughts circled around the Mutant and the image of the monster inside of the tube that gave him the chance to enter this world. As his eyesight dropped, to avert direct eye contact with the Mutant in front of him he caught a glimpse of something reflecting the sun rays on the ground. He looked a little bit closer and found that it was the tip of the blade that laid next to Bouncer. Bouncer’s Blade…
With the glimpse of hope, Helliot looked up to face the Mutant with newfound confidence. His eyes must have been radiating this, as for once, the Mutant stopped moving around mockingly and stood there, almost thinking what to do next.
“My Fate, outsider, is as I said earlier, is to diminish you,” the Mutant opened its mouth and the exact same voice spoke, “and I shall follow my path.”
“The name’s Helliot,” he replied, starting to have much more confidence in himself now that he knew of the sword. It was a bit weird, but knowing that it’s up to him to literally save himself seemed as almost a dream come true, a challenge he was longing for.
“Empty words. You can name yourself however you wish,” it said looking, no staring, at Helliot, “it won’t change the fact that you do no belong here. Should have picked the white door, outsider.”
“Would you just leave me alone!” Helliot shouted and knowing it was now or never, he quickly ducked for the sword and ran straight for the Mutant anticipating the impact of their clash.
However, before Helliot even managed to raise his sword and hit the Mutant, it was already too close to him react. It dashed at him with a solid shoulder check and sent him flying to the ground and landing on his bruised shoulder once again as the pain signals travelled from almost every part of his body to his brain.
Immediately, the Mutant jumped at him, opening his giant mouth, about to rip his head off. Instinctively, Helliot’s right arm sprung into the air to protect his face as the Mutant’s teeth pierced through the skin of his hand and the giant claws dug only deeper into the muscle.
Rush of pain suddenly came through Helliot’s whole body and into his brain. Only then he screamed and screamed again, even louder this time. The teeth were biting their way even further into his arm, but all his brain could detect at the time was the pain getting worse. With every second he felt like he was doing his penance for all his sins he committed during the seventeen years of his, now so important, life. It felt like it couldn’t be real, but just when he thought the pain reached its limitations it just managed to make up a brand new level of suffering.
Helliot opened his eyes. He had to. There was no way he was going to give in without a fight, especially when somebody who he didn’t even know for more than ten minutes sacrificed himself to save him a couple of minutes ago. He ought to keep living. He owned it to Bouncer, Trixie and Tina, all of whom saved his life one way or another. Now it was up to him to finally save himself.
He saw the beast biting in closer to his bone, spreading his blood around. As he tried to move his other hand to push the Mutant he realized he longer held the sword. He must have let go of it when he fell on the ground. Helliot’s mind quickly raced as he tried to work out different possibilities as to what could be done right now, trying to set the pain aside. But no other options came to his mind, he had to find Bouncer’s Blade. It has to be near, it just has to…or else I’m screwed.
Helliot turned his head to the left side. Since his right arm was the one that was kind enough to spring up and sacrifice itself to give him a few more minutes of a very, very painful existence, there was really no point in looking to the right. Even if he would find the blade there, he wouldn’t be able to reach it. As he realized this, he quickly came to understand that his chances of actually getting out of this situation dropped, yet again.
The sword was there. On his left side, just in reach. He quickly diverted his eyes away so that the Mutant wouldn’t notice but it was too busy trying to crush its way through the last ditch defence that held Helliot safe. Someone out there must really love me. Thanks. He grabbed the sword with a firm grip. Now he gave into the pain, almost enjoying every bit of as it fuelled his anger with every second that passed. His eyes filled with tears, his mouth tightly shut, now was the time to attack. Only one shot counts. I can’t mess up.
As he lifted the sword into the air, the Mutant, obviously concerned with Helliot’s movement, released the grip on his arm and turned its head to further investigate. The pain seemed to only double now as the blood made his hand pump with pain in the regular intervals.
The Mutant slowly turned its head towards the sword, just in time to see Helliot sliding it through the creature, piercing through its skin. Immediately purple blood started flowing out of its body and the Mutant stopped all its movements. It, once again, dropped dead.
“We shall meet again, Destiny‘s Favourite,” were the last words in the mechanical roar he heard before everything went black. Not even the pain was there. He was just floating in the darkness, finally getting some rest, as the surroundings began to be even darker and darker. He couldn’t feel the gentle breeze of fresh wind he felt before. Nothing.
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The_August_Kid reviewed Version 1 -
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This was a decent read overall. Though starting out on chapter 6 makes it hard to comment on the plot and story—since it was hard for me to really tell what was going on. The synopsis helped a bit. I did enjoy the style of writing but found some of the sentences drew on a little bit longer than I would like myself. I did see some grammar and spelling mistakes but mostly just typos. And tranced is a word. I want to go back and read up to chapter 6 to get a better feel for the story. And I’m not so sure if the whole thing is compelling enough for me to read and entire novel. Keep up the good work though.
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Yes, the fight with the mutant was very exciting. I was able to easily imagine the blood and pain. I felt for the main character which is a good sign because I didn’t read the previous chapter. This chapter is able to stand on it’s own merits. There are a few errors that spell check won’t pick up but I trust you will dig them out.
catherinespark reviewed Version 1 -
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The beginning was a little predictable, but very humanising, which is important, more than ever in the sci-fi genre. Names are slightly more human too, which is refreshing. You should feed on this humanising aspect of the story and contrast it with the sci-fi elements of the story. I like the fact that this story focuses in on a moment of time. Normally I would say more pace is needed, but in this case, pace would take away the emotion of the moment. A wise choice to linger. It made for a very real piece that is easy to empathise with.
stephanloy reviewed Version 1 -
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Spell check is not a particularly trustworthy tool for a writer. It will find most misspelled words, but not all, and will sometimes incorrectly identify words as misspelled. If the word is capitalized or has a hyphen in it, spell check will usually not even look at it. Don’t trust spell check to find your mistakes. Trust grammar check even less; it’s almost universally wrong.
Your biggest problem here is wordiness. I spent most of my time crossing out unnecessary words and phrases. You can usually make your point more strongly with fewer words, not more. Consider whether some things don’t really need saying, that the reader can easily fill in the blanks. There were quite a few examples of two many words dragging down sentences, but there’s no space here to enumerate them.
The word you’re looking for is “entranced”.
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