Action Adventure / She Died
February 22, 1847
St. Joseph, Mo.
Today was a bad day, a very bad day. Jack’s mother passed away sometime during the night. The doctor believes she had severe case of pneumonia. I did my best to support Jack. Papa took delivery of our wagon and oxen. He signed us into a company known as a Wagon Train, now we will live out of the wagon and down by the river until the Spring. Adena Barton.
Chapter 7
She Died
Adena woke to the sun coming through the boards on the walls and shinning in her eyes. She sat up and could see her breath as she wrapped the warm blankets around her. How nice it would be to wake up to warmth, she thought. One day, she and Jack would have a home of their own. A home that would be warm and cozy.
Suddenly, she sensed something wasn’t quite right. It was too quiet she told herself. The sounds of people walking in the hall was missing. She looked out the window and there were men and women seemingly in a hurry going somewhere.
Her stomach gnawed, reminding her she hadn’t eaten since supper last night. Hurriedly she dressed, slipping into a heavy wool dress. She buttoned her boots and put on the coat papa bought her yesterday.
Upon opening the door, she looked up and down the hall and saw no one. She remained motionless trying to hear something, anything. The only sounds she heard were male voices drifting up from the lobby. This is so strange, she told herself.
She went down the stairs to the hotel lobby. Her father and brother was sitting by the fire. Jack and his father was sitting on the large sofa, and sitting on the hearth was the doctor. Everyone appeared so somber. Jack’s eyes were reddened as if he had been crying.
Adena sat next to Jack and took his hand into hers. “What’s wrong?” she asked in a soft tone of voice.
Jack wiped the tears from his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt, “Me mum passed away in her sleep.”
“Emma is dead? How? What happened?” Adena wanted to know.
Tom nodded and in between sobs he replied, “I kissed her last night and told her I loved her. She responded but sounded kind of weak.” He took a deep breath trying to compose himself.
“Take your time,” Adena said trying to comfort him.
“T’is morning’ I knew something was wrong,” Tom said wiping the tears from his eyes. “I looked over towards her and she wasn’t in bed. I got up and went over to her side of the bed and there she was, laying on the floor. It looked like she tried to get up fer something and just collapsed.”
“Pa woke me by his weeping,” Jack said, then went on, “I quickly dressed an’ fetched the doctor.”
“By the time I arrived, she had already passed away,” the doctor said. “As I figure, pneumonia took her life by what Tom told me.”
“Why was she on the floor?” Frank asked.
“A couple of reasons,” the doctor said. “Maybe she had to use the chamber pot and as soon as she stood up she discovered she was too weak and collapsed. Or maybe she was too warm, with pneumonia she would have a high fever, she wanted to cool off. But discovered how weak she was.”
“I suppose you’re going back to yer farm,” Adena wanted to know.
Tom shook his head. “Jack and I talked about that a while ago. We sold the farm, there is nothing back there for us. No farm, no family, and no work.”
“Ma wanted to go to California as much as we do,” Jack added. “I want to fulfill her wish fer a new start.”
Adena smiled inwardly knowing Jack was going to California. She certainly didn’t want to continue without him.
It was another cold morning as Tom, Frank, William, Jack, and Adena watched the casket holding Emma’s body slide into the hearse wagon. Slowly the wagon moved forward from the Undertaker’s Office towards the cemetery. As they followed the wagon, emigrants sympathetic to other emigrants who lost loved ones, joined the march being lead by the local preacher.
In about 15 minutes, they passed through the entrance of the cemetery. The plot was close to the entrance. As the casket was lowered into the grave the preacher read several passages from the bible, followed by a prayer, and the service was over.
As they walked back to the hotel, Tom began to cry again.
“It’s alright,” Frank said, “let it go.”
“What really hurts,” Tom said between sobs, “When we head west, I will never be able to place flowers on her grave or even visit her….ever again!”
“You can stay here,” Frank suggested.
Tom shook his head. “Emma really wanted us to go west. If I don’t go, I will let her down and I won’t do that.”
“Emma will be with you forever,” Adena said comforting Tom.
“I know,” he said between sobs as tears ran down his cheeks.
“The wagons should be ready this afternoon,” William reminded his father.
“T’is so,” Jack agreed. “I can pick up he wagons, pa.”
“No, son, I need to do that.”
- * * * *
Later that day, while Adena and William stayed at the hotel lobby, Jack ,Tom, and Frank went to the wainwright’s shop . Just as Klaus had told them, they found the three new wagons in front of the shop. To the right were twelve oxen in the corral just as promised. The three men walked around the wagons as they closely inspected the wagons, each wagon was a work of art. The craftsmanship was excellent. The wagons were taller than expected and Frank saw the reason, the storage area under the main bed raised the wagon. The side doors to the storage area were a tight fit. The corners and sides were sealed appearing to be water tight.
Frank turned towards Tom, “these look very good.”
“Indeed they do,” Tom agreed then added, “the wheels are strong, did you see this?” Pointing to the metal rim.
Klaus came out of the shop, “Der Vagons good?”
“Very good,” Frank said.
Klaus pointed to a device he had invented, “Dis is what I call a vagon lift, it helps you take the wheel off to grease the axle.” Then he demonstrated how it worked.
“T’is wonderful,” Tom said, “Yer lift will save me back.”
Frank took out a wad of bills and counted out $450.00. He placed it on the desk and shook Klaus’ hand. Klaus then helped the men yoke up the oxen and hitched them to the wagon. Frank led the way back to the hotel.
In the hotel lobby, Frank sat next to William. “The wagons are great, soon we’ll go down to the river.”
“Papa, I’d like you meet Mr. Crocker,” Adena said, then added, “he and his family belong to a ‘company’. He says you have to be a part of a company to camp along the river.”
Frank stood and shook Mr. Crocker’s hand then sat back down. “Please tell me about joining a company.”
“Please call me Lance,” the man said. “A company is a wagon train that is heading the same direction. You purchase your place in the wagon train and the right to vote for the leader called a Wagon master. And the right to vote for the rules of the wagon train.”
“What is the cost of joining the company?’ Tom asked.
“Fifty dollars per wagon,” Lance responded.
“Fair enough,” Frank said. “Who do I see to join the company?”
“Sam Parker is forming up the company,” Lance eagerly responded. “You can meet him today if we leave now.”
“Where is Mr. Parker?” Jack asked.
“At camp, down by the river,” Lance responded.
“William, we’ll need you to stay here with the wagons,” Frank instructed.
“Sure, pa.”
The cold wind bit at their faces as Frank and Tom walked together on the snow covered road with Lance between them. Jack and Adena followed not far behind and he pointed to the snow that was still piled up against the buildings from the last storm.
Adena pointed to a sign that read “Hot Baths Here – Women Welcome”. “The ladies I spoke with the other night told me about that place. It is the only place in town to get a hot bath.”
“I used it a couple of nights ago,” Jack said.
Adena’s cheeks felt slightly warm as she wondered what it would be like to watch Jack take a bath. Her cheeks turned a darker crimson as she imagined Jack watching her bathe.
Her thoughts were broken when Lance’s voice broke the silence, “There, over there to the right, is the primary camp.”
“There must be a hundred wagons there,” Jack said.
Lance stopped and turned around to answer Jack, “A few more than a hundred.”
“Are they all in the same company?” Tom asked.
“No,” Lance replied. “There are five companies there. Right now our company has seventeen wagons.”
They walked among the wagons, most of the camps had 4 wagons parked in a circle and in the circle there was a large campfire. Men and women were doing their chores, some of the women were cooking, while others were sewing, and the children were milking the cows. It was explained that the younger men were either out gathering firewood or out hunting so fresh meat could be had by all.
The emigrants seemed to be friendly as the women folk and the older men waived to them while they walked towards their wagon train. Adena and Jack returned the waiving as Lance was explaining how life was like along the banks of the Missouri River.
In about the middle of the large encampment, Lance said, “here we are. This is our camp.”
“Where’s Mr. Parker?” Lance asked a young woman.
“I believe he be at his wagon,” the woman replied as she straightened her bonnet then her dark dress.
A few moments later, they entered a circle of wagons and a middle-aged man was sitting by the fire and drinking from his cup.
“Mr. Parker, this is Tom, Frank, Jack, and Adena,” Lance said as he introduced them to the Wagon Master. “They wish to join up with our company.”
“Please call me Sam,” the man said as he shook their hands.
Sam placed a couple mid-sized logs on the fire. “Please have a seat and get yourself warm.”
“How about some coffee,” Sam offered and they all accepted the cups of the hot liquid.
“How many wagons you got?” Sam asked.
“One,” Frank answered.
“Two,” Tom said taking a sip of coffee.
“Adena is my daughter and I have a younger son back in town watching the wagons.”
“We’ve got room fer ya,” Sam said taking a sip from his cup. “We have 18 wagons, including ya fine folks. We decided not to exceed twenty-five wagons. Too many wagons is not good.”
“When do ya figure we’ll move out?” Adena asked.
“Hmmmmm…….I’d guess by mid March, maybe early April,” Sam answered, paused a moment, then went on. “Can’t leave too soon ‘cause the grass won’t be ready and the ground will be too soft. Real problems then, the wagons could get stuck in the mud.”
“We can’t leave too late either,” Jack added.
“T’is true,” Jack’s father agreed.
“We’d might get stuck in the mountains,” Sam said.
“Mountains?” Adena questioned. “Back home we were told by a government man the land was flat most of the way.”
Sam roared into laughter, When Sam‘s laughter finally ended, he said, “that guy never been west. There are two sets of mountains we have to cross, the Rockies and the Sierra Nevada’s.” He voice faded off to nothing, then there was a long period of silence. He broke the silence by saying, “they are so beautiful, full of game and firewood. Fishing is beyond belief.”
Frank looked around and feeling a little concerned about the government man being less than honest asked, “There is free land in California?”
“Oh, my, yes, my friend. There is free land for the taking, it is very fertile and crops grow bigger…but ya got to plant them,” Sam said and everyone laughed heartily.
“Sounds like you’ve been there before,” Jack asked.
“Ah, yes,” Sam replied. “I have homesteaded 160 acres and left my wife and son to watch the property. This is my last trip as I am bringing back by brother, his family, and my wife’s family.”
“In da marrow, we will purchase some supplies then come here and make camp,” Tom said as everyone stood up.
“Watch the prices,” Sam said, “The owner of the mercantile is trying to get rich. He might as well hold ya up.”
“Thanks,” Frank said as they headed back to town.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
I found this a little boring. I didn’t feel the trauma of the woman dying. Maybe you should say something like, “Adena came down the hall to wailing sounds coming deep from within a man who sounded like his heart had broken down to his very soul.”
I also found this to be too repetitive. “The three men walked around the wagons as they closely inspected the wagons, each wagon was a work of art.”
Maybe try, “The three men walked around the wagons inspecting them, each a work of art.”
I didn’t read the other chapters, but I think this one needs to be reworded a little bit. I hope this helps.
- add/view comments (0)
You’re quite right. It is hard to really find an Old West genre to fit this in. However I must say a few things. I may not have your experince, but from the decade of experience I have, I can say that this piece of otherwise inspired work, is quite rough around the edges.
First of all, I am a structure freak and this story had none. I am talking visually not in narration. Make a little more appealing to the eye or people will simply ignore it. In addition, there some downsides when dilogue is concerned. You use -in my opinion- the “old tongue” excessively and it is slightly tiring.
Going to the pro’s. I liked it setting aside everything I previously said, because the story was believable and so was your story. They were everyday people and remained that way throughout the story. There are few typos and flaws in the descriptions as well.
Finally, though, my opinion is that you have a great story, grand material, you just need to shine it up, A LOT.
All I can say is well done for thinking of a gripping storyline and relating it so eloquently and interestingly, not to mention realistically.
The dialogue is true to the characters’ demeanours – I hope to soon read the other chapters and understand them even more. However, I understood the gist of what was happening even though I haven’t read the other chapters, which is the mark fo a truly great writer. Well done!
Recognised the character and realised I had read another of your pieces. This has a better beginning – takes you more by surprise than the last one, as well as giving more of an immediate idea of the situation Adena is in. Loved the understatement of the fact that “Today was a bad day”! Some of the minor characters could do with fleshing out in this installment, and by that I don’t mean literal stretching of the skin; I mean perhaps if they are to become more major, foreshadowing of future traits we’ll learn they display; although I did see some attempt at an accent, which is a good start. The dialogue is crackling with understated wit and quiet confidence and competence. A bit too technical at the end; doesn’t measure up to the end of the previous installment I read. I still think the story arc is there though!
I really got the feeling of a westren through this one and being that I’m from Missouri it made me enjoy it even more…Great use of dialect which made the story more realistic to the area and the era…I thought that you probably could have written it better, it doesn’t seem publishable quite yet, but I feel that with a little work, you could definatly have it out…I enjoyed it!
I was really delighted to find there was a chapter 7 after I had just finished reviewing Chapter 6. Your writing is really really good and I am looking foreward to Chapter 8 and to seeing the whole thing in print.
The death of Jack’s mother, Emma was recorded in a sensitive but not over dramatic way.
Very well set up, interesting. You have a very good resource for this novel, use it well! Many writers would kill to have something to write from thats factual and interesting, like yours. The pacing works well, your characters--from what I have seen of this chapter--seem to fill out nicely. Nothing really to complain about, just revise and if all of the chapters flow, send it out! Keep up the good work!
—Rylan Batten
Okay, this isn’t bad at all! But you make a few simple mistakes, so here goes.
First up, I didn’t find the diary entry believable. You say you have letters writtn by Adena which is great as a primary (contemporary) historical source. And yet the diary entry does not sound authentic simply because it has a modern voice. It does not sound convincing as the voice of someone alive in 1847 (born in the 1820s?). There is no one word that grates, but the ‘Today was a bad day, a very bad day.’ sounds too modern. Someone in the 1840s would use a phrase of THEIR day to show something bad, so I think you need to do some historical research to help you with this voice.
I realise it’s a style thing, but you really don’t need to keep adding the ‘she thought’ tags if Adena is your viewpoint character. If we are in her head then ALL internal monologue and narrative is hers and hers alone. Sentences such as ‘It was too quiet she told herself.’ sound more convincing as: ‘It was too quiet.’ Until you change to another character you don’t need the tags.
Also, try to avoid passive sentences, eg:
‘The sounds of people walking in the hall was missing.’
The ‘was’ is passive, but also ‘sounds’ is plural, so it should be ‘were’ not ‘was’.
Try to rewrite these passive sentences into more active ones, eg:
‘No sounds emanated from the hall.’
You could even turn it into a question:
‘No sounds emanated from the hall. Where were they?’
Again, this is passive:
‘She looked out the window and there were men and women seemingly in a hurry going somewhere.’
An active version:
‘She looked out the window and saw people scurrying from shop to shop.’
So many people on Urbis try to use words other than said:
Frank asked.
Jack added.
the woman replied
You don’t need to do this! The reader expects ‘said’ and nothing else, so just use ‘said’.
The use of ‘said’ is the most effective word because this becomes invisible to the reader (like words such as ‘and’). Also, if you DO use anything else then it makes the sentence seem daft:
“Why was she on the floor?” Frank asked.
We KNOW Frank is asking because the question mark tell us he is asking a question! So you don’t need to tell us again that he is asking a question via the ‘Frank asked’. It’s like saying: ‘Look up at the yellow sun’. We KNOW the sun is yellow! It’s redundant.
“You can stay here,” Frank suggested.
^ Again, we KNOW Frank has suggested that, so please don’t tell us twice.
The explanation thing is also here:
“Emma is dead? How? What happened?” Adena wanted to know.
“I suppose you’re going back to yer farm,” Adena wanted to know. [you need a question mark after ‘farm’ as this is a question]
People who ask questions want to know things, so you don’t need to tell us that Adena wants to know – the question marks convey this.
More explaining:
“Take your time,” Adena said trying to comfort him. [we know she is trying to comfort him from the words she uses]
“The wagons should be ready this afternoon,” William reminded his father. [William has told his father about the wagons so you don’t need to tell us this explicitly within the tag]
“Are they all in the same company?” Tom asked. [a question again]
Okay, hopefully you understand what I mean?
A few random things:
‘T’is true’
It’s actually ‘Tis not T’is.
‘Shinning’ -> should be ‘shining’
Is this correct:
“I believe he be at his wagon,”
Did they say ‘he be’ and not ‘he is?’ I don’t know, but if YOU are writing a historical piece you HAVE to do some research. Dig out some old newspapers from the times and see how different they language is to ours.
Your piece needs more description in there. When I think of westerns I think of Clint Eastwood or Back to the Future or High Noon. SHOW us what it was like by describing the place – show us the endless dust, the heat, the smells (no toothpaste remember!) etc. Only by doing this will your work seem like 1847 rather than someone’s bland version in 2007. You are making things hard for yourself by using a historical context because you will have to research the language and the customs of the time. This takes ages!
The descriptive also applies to detail, eg:
‘The craftsmanship was excellent.’
This is just telling us, the reader, that the wagons are excellent. SHOW us the craftsmanship so that WE can infer from your descriptions that it is excellent. Again, I know nothing about a wagon, but if you describe it as having sturdy wheels made from oak, latched by thick leather straps and bolted with solid iron rivets, then I am tempted to think that the wagon is sturdy.
Showing is difficult because you have to think. Yet it is far more rewarding (and convincing) for the reader. Conversely, telling is easy for the writer yet is meaningless for the reader.
Okay, that’s enough!
Just go through this and:
1. remove the ‘she thought’
2. rewrite the passive sentences to active (passive uses ‘was’ and ‘were’)
3. remove the non-said tags
4. remove the redundant explanations of Frank asked etc
5. add showing descriptions of people and the place to bring the scene to life
Then repost and, if you’ve done your homework properly, it WILL read a lot, lot better.
I haven’t mentioned the dialogue – it’s okay but not very exciting. But it doesn’t sound like 1847 either.
kf sf s f f s pw e sd sd s s we dsd s e ft i ki o n i j j k h n i j kh h k lk i k k uj l o j j y jk lo k i j jhj k j k jk j ju j j k k o klolo k iki ol
Showing 1 - 9 of 9
Review item
Add to faves
GENERAL
REVIEW QUEUE
Ratings & Rankings
