Sci Fi & Fantasy / Promise Keep - Prelude
“Holy Absolute,” she prayed softly, “let this working be my last; accept my sacrifice in payment for my failure. Consume that which once was Drillian, and undo the evil I had not the will to oppose.”
Sparks soared upward as the parchment caught fire from the candle flame and blazed; fiber and ink forever transmuted in the holocaust. With a soft exhalation, she sent the last fiery fragments heavenward, her long blonde hair and perfect complexion gilded by the light of her Magick. As the last equation was consumed, its substance oxidized into lifeless carbon, her thoughts extended the summation of her calculations and her will to the Infinite. From nothingness, an analogue of her intent took shape, butterfly-like in its recursive perfection, and offered itself to the Holy.
The result was immediate and violent: the sacrifice accepted, her thin body convulsed as the Holy reflexion of her reformed will battered her soul, scourging it of the remnants of the Unholy magick against which she worked. The intent submitted upon the flame of a single candle returned in the light of a thousand suns, the excess of light filling the shell of each illusion and spilling the overflow into the next, until no more illusions remained. The crack and implosion occurred simultaneously, as she had calculated: the light retreated into itself, but the breach it created remained.
“Dahliah, go to him,” she whispered as she slumped into oblivion.
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FIRST IMPRESSION:
This is an excellent preface to a story I would love to read. Your description of magick is very accurate, of what I was able to read in just the preface.
SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
None, as you have this one down pat.
CONTENT:
As a student of magick on this journey to learn how to be human, I enjoyed your content very much.
OVERALL:
I would love to read the first chapters you may have written all ready as this one peaked my interest very much. My inner journeys have all been documented by my own prose, written in rhyming verse with a lot of them in my book as chapters titled “Blue Fire”. You seem to have done your research into what it takes to inspire magick as it is always there, and a very natural phenomina. Earth Magick is the oldest in the world, whether documented or passed on by word of mouth and is a gift to us to use with respect. I look forward to visiting your port soon to read more.
Write On~
)O(
DragonBlue
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her long blonde hair and perfect complexion gilded by the light of her Magick
just a suggestion – her long blonde hair and perfect complexion glowed faintly in the light of the flame
spell “magick” “magic”
would like to talk to you more about your writings. i think we could learn alot from each other
It does not really grab my attention. The detail does make it even harder to follow. For me it still needs a lot of work to be concidered for publishing. You do have very descriptive words throughout.
I think this is really short to make real good judgements on your review notes.
You have a tendency to use $10 words and use overly complex phrases when you don’t need to. I have this problem myself. This IS interesting, and I want to know more, which I think you can rectify by making your opening longer, give us more details. What is the setting? Maybe give us some more clues about the circumstances of your character. This is worn out advice, but read this aloud, even better – have a stranger read it aloud and see how well they handle the prose. I think the action would have more oomph, if there was more underlying detail. Did it take the character alot of time and effort to make the parchment that gets destroyed so easily? I’m interested in these kinds of things too, even though they seem minor. Keep at it!
This is certainly enigmatic as an opening and leads me to want to read more however at least part of that stems from its brevity. The lack of tangible scene setting may well work to the advantage of the whole but taken as an isolated piece it leaves a lot of questions unanswered.
I very much enjoyed your descriptive power and I found your use of language refreshingly adult in the context of a genre that has unfairly been pegged out as more for children and young adults in the past.
Good job! you Did very well! and this one is kinda scary but good and as far as changing it Don’t! it’s already good! so good Job! and keep writing! don’t ever stop writing cause you do write good Poems and etc.
Normally, I don’t like ornate prose. This is obviously written by an intelligent writer who knows just how far to go with description. Your prose is tight and, in my opinion, right for the genre. The only criticism is that this prologue or prelude does not really set up the personality of a protagonist. Dahliah? Who is the woman praying?
A good prelude or opening paragraph.
Well written and well described, the description definitely does not befuddle.
This intro raises a lot of questions, which is good.
Just one point, I wouldn’t use the word holocaust – that is now permanently associated with the Nazi atrocities and could bring you some grief.
It sets a scene of ominous dissassociation. (doesn’t that sound cool??) basically, it feels really mystical and dark, but all the fancy words make the reader (well, me anyway) feel very distant from the story. It grabs me as an opening, i want to unravel the mystery. But i expect that if the language stays at this standard i would inevitably tire of deciphering the story. You portray a dark, ominous and mysterious mood. Which is excellent.
I like it, although i probably wouldn’t read anymore as i find it easier to immerse myself in stories that have realistic qualities, like a few jokes here and there, and i don’t expect this story to have jokes.
Good luck, I’m sorry it just doesn’t appeal to me.
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