Action Adventure / Camp Along The River
February 23, 1847
St. Joseph, Mo.
Today we went to the mercantile for basic supplies for our camp. Later we will purchase everything we will need for the journey. I am glad papa purchased for me a heavy coat for it is so very cold by the river. I do like Jack McMenomy and he kissed me today down by the river. Adena Barton
Chapter 8
Camp along the River
It was another dreary and cloudy morning as they walked from Martha’s Kitchen towards their wagons. Adena looked upward and the skies were threatening to snow again, she pulled her wool scarf around her neck and ears and buttoned her heavy coat. She took Jack’s hand into hers and he smiled. They walked together in silence until they reached the wagons.
Tom and Frank inspected the wagons and everything was exactly where they had left them. The oxen were less than cooperative as they were being yoked.
“These animals haven’t been broken,” Jack said while helping his father.
“Yer right,” Tom agreed, “but they are fresh and strong.”
When Frank was done he came over to help Jack and Tom but they were nearly finished. “This new tack is surely stiff.”
“True,” Tom said. “But it is better than the old tack we left back home. Always having to repair it.”
“We’ll have to repair this tack soon enough,” William said.
“We’re ready to go to Hill’s general store?” Jack asked.
“Let’s get rolling.” Tom said and yelled, “HAW”, snapped his whip and the oxen lunged forward.
The three wagons moved forward towards Hill‘s Mercantile, a distance of about one mile. Being empty and light weight, the wagons bounced and creaked. Adena wondered if this was the way it would be when they finally left the states and crossed the river. Men and women were bustling from here and there, everyone seemed to have something important to do. No one seemed to care they were there, in fact, some children ran in front of Tom’s wagon and came close enough to spook the animals. They stopped in front of the wooden structure and tied off the oxen to the hitchin’ post.
Hill’s mercantile was a very large wooden structure with vertical wooden siding that ran up to the eaves. There were two wooden steps leading up to a covered walkway that went in front of six establishments. Jack opened the right door of the double wood doors for Adena. She entered the largest general store in St. Joseph and this brought back memories of her uncle and his general store that she was trying to forget. Jessie’s store seemed to be similar to this one.
The general store was very busy with men and women purchasing supplies they needed for their wagons while others were obviously local residents seemingly disgusted with the emigrants purchasing what they considered to be their goods. Adena noticed some of the women were elegantly attired in store-bought stay and shift dresses while most wore plain scalloped blouses and skirts and still others wore clothes made at home. Most of the men wore a broad rimmed hat she had never seen before, a heavy wool, plaid shirt, denim trousers, boots, and each had a firearm holstered on their hips with the new arriving over-landers being the only exception.
Adena knew her time was drawing close where she would not be able to look at and touch fine clothes. She shopped around and noticed the store had nearly everything an emigrant needed for going west. There were heavy coats, fancy clothes, traveling clothing , cloth and sewing needs, food stuffs, utensils and cast iron pots and pans for cooking over open fires, and items she had no idea what it was or what it was used. The store even had a section for artist supplies and she purchased several sketching pads, pencils, and charcoal.
Frank knew they needed everything for this long trip. The only items they brought with them was the clothes, everything else was either sold or left with his brother. He wondered where to start. Not only he had immediate needs for staying along the river and for the trip itself, but he had to guess what he might need in California. The rumors he had heard there weren’t much there except for on the coast. There were no stores, nothing, anywhere near where the free land was available.
A young blonde woman wearing a light blue shift dress, came up to Frank and asked, “May I help you?”
“Yes, we need to outfit three wagons and purchase enough supplies to last until Spring.”
“You’ve come to the right place,” she said.
Tom and Jack walked across the store and stood next to Frank.
“We der need everything,” Tom said.
She handed Frank a small book titled Emigrant’s Guide to California. “This is a guide book intended for the emigrant.”
“We’ll take it.” Tom said.
“What be your name?” Frank asked.
“Nancy Hill,” she answered.
“You own this mercantile?” Jack asked.
“Heavens no,” Nancy replied. “My father is the proprietor.”
Nancy knew what they needed as she led them around the store. “Three wagons?” she asked.
“Yes,” Frank answered.
“Y’all need three of everything,” she answered. Then seeing the puzzled look on their faces she added, “just in case you get separated.”
Nancy took them to the far corner of the store. This is where the cast iron cook ware was kept. She placed three each on the counter, a fourteen inch skillets, a Dutch oven, a large metal pot, and a small pot.
“Take those over to the register,” she instructed and Jack did as told.
She took a few steps and placed several cooking utensils, a camp kettle, tin plates, numerous knives, stirring spoons, and eating utensils on the counter. She then placed 3 blue, snow flaked, coffee pots next to the spatulas.
While Nancy was getting the items the men-folk needed, Adena was busy fetching the items she would need. First came some fabric to line the inside walls of the wagons, then came plenty of bedding. Lord only knew how cold it was going to be along the bank of the river or on the trail.
Nancy came over to Adena and asked, “You with these gentlemen?”
“Yes, ma’am,” she replied.
“Y’all need enough fer three wagons,” Nancy informed her then added, “Place them by the skillets over there by the register.”
Adena hadn’t thought about three wagons until Nancy told her and she realized that Nancy was right. So she had to go back and start over again and this time making sure she had enough for the other wagons.
Walking through the racks of pre-made dresses she could only dream of purchasing several of them. Then she saw bonnets made of wool, she tried one on, it felt so warm and knew she had to have it. Then she came across the boots, how much better would they be rather than her thin shoes.
Not far way was her father when she held up the boots and asked, “May I purchase these?”
Frank nodded his approval and Nancy quickly added, “You’ll need those wool stockings with the boots or y’all have plenty of blusters.”
“Thank you,” she replied and thought those stockings will keep my feet warm. Papa should have some too.
Nancy placed three pots of lard and suet. “This is for lubricating your wagon wheels.”
“I know,” Frank said then added, “We’re coming from a farm back in Portsmouth an’ the wainwright told us we need to lubricate the wheels every other day until the wagon is broken in. Daily if we have to ford water.”
“Do you want a tent?” she asked. “It is larger and will keep out the weather when y’all is hold up somewhere or when y’all reach California. Y‘all should have a pick, shovel, and a gold pan.”
Frank looked at Tom for advice. Tom nodded his approval. “Yes, three of them,” Frank replied.
“Don’t forget matches, candles, soap, saleratus, and several lanterns,” Jack offered.
“We’ll need three side arms, holsters, and ammo,” Tom told Nancy.
“What about William?” Jack inquired.
“I don’t know,” Frank said. “He maybe too young.”
“Maybe,” Jack said. “But his having a gun will help everyone during an Indian attack.”
“’Pose yer right,” Frank said, then turned towards Nancy, “make that four side arms, holsters, and ammo.”
While Nancy was filling that request, Tom said, “We’d also better have three of those rifles and ammunition….for hunting.”
“That should do it for wagons,” Frank said.
“Papa, don’t forget those boots and wool stockings,” Adena reminded her father.
“We should have those too,” Jack suggested.
“We just want a limited amount of supplies for now”, Frank said. “We’ll load up in the Spring.”
Then they selected two water barrels for each wagon. When it came to the food stuffs they limited it to two wagons. They purchased a barrel of flour, six pounds of bacon, coffee, tea, cocoa powder, sugar, rice, dried fruit, salt, pepper, and various other spices Adena selected.
Mr. Hill assisted Frank, Tom, and Jack in loading the wagons. When they were finished, Frank went back into the store and paid up on the bill.
Frank had a bounce in his step as he came out of the store, a grin spread from ear to ear. “I expected to pay a lot more than that.”
“How much?” Tom asked.
“$350.00”
“That is a lot less than I expected,” Tom said. After a brief pause he continued, “after camp is set up, I’ll square up with ye.”
“We’re going to talk all day?” Jack asked.
Both Tom and Frank laughed. “Get your wagons Rollin’,” Frank said. He then yelled, “HAW” and snapped the whip over the heads of the oxen and they moved ahead effortlessly.
The three wagons headed west towards the Missouri. In less than 10 minutes the broad river came into view, across on the other side was flat as far as the eye could see. That was no longer the United States, that was Indian country. It was wild and untamed. Even though snow was still on the ground, young grass sprouts were anxiously forcing their way skyward.
The road turned northward to follow the river. Instinctively the oxen followed the dirt path, off in the distance were the various camps of wagons. As they approached their camp, off to the right side of the road, surrounded on three sides by berry bushes, were several privies.
Up the road, about a quarter mile they could see Sam Parker waiving to them. Frank returned Sam’s waive as he was the lead wagon. A few minutes later, Frank and the other two wagons stopped next to Sam.
“Welcome,” Sam said as he extended his hand and shook Frank’s
“Where do y’all want us to make camp?” Frank inquired.
“Up here with Cobb’s, they will be glad to see you. They have been by themselves for almost two weeks and Patti, his wife, has been getting jittery being so close to Indian country being just across the river.”
“Let’s go and make camp with them,” Tom said.
“HAW”, Frank said without his whip and the oxen moved forward.
“Like the way you handle your wagons,” Sam said. “I’d believe you were bullwhackers at one time.”
“Nah,” Frank answered. “We were just plain farmers, but we all had to handle teams of oxen and horses.”
“We’ve got some real city slickers in our company. Some have never seen open country until now.”
“Mr. Cobb!” Sam called out.
“I’m here,” Jason Cobb replied as he came around his wagon.
Jason was short, heavy-set man with jet black hair in his late thirties. He was dressed as a typical emigrant complete with a side-arm holstered on his hip. “Afternoon, Sam.”
“Got some neighbors for you. These are the Barton’s and the McMenomy’s.” Sam said and quickly departed.
Jason brought out his wife, Patti, and the introductions were brief and Adena guessed Patti was her age but certainly no more than sixteen. Jason pointed out a camp for Frank, followed by Tom, then Jack. The wagons formed a square with a large fire pit in the center. Frank, Tom, and William herded the oxen to the corral not far from the camp behind the privies.
Jack took Adena by the hand and they walked toward the river which was only a few feet from the camp. They walked in silence for a few minutes as they followed the river in a northern direction.
When Jack was sure they were alone, not sure of how to start, he said, “In a few weeks we’ll be crossing this river and entering Indian country.”
“I know,” she agreed and looking in a westerly direction she went on, “It’s scary. It is so big, so lonely.”
He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Adena, ya know how I feel about ya.”
“You’re a good man. I care fer ya a great deal.”
“I…errr…I….ah” he stammered then blurted out, “I asked yer pa if I may call on ya.”
“What did he say?!”
“It was your decision.”
Adena turned around quickly facing Jack. “Yes! Yes! Please do call on me!” She paused a few moments then went on, “Jack, I thought you were calling on me already.”
Jack didn’t answer but wrapped his arms around Adena’s thin waste. They looked into each other’s eyes. Slowly Jack lowered his head, his lips lowering to meet hers. Just before they met, Adena wrapped her arms around his neck and their lips met for the first time. Harder he pressed his lips harder against hers and instinctively she responded. Just as slowly she broke off their kiss, hugged him tightly, and rested her head on his shoulder.
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I’m no expert on the Old West, but your attention to detail tells me that you’ve done your research. Obviously this is essential for a realistic historical novel.
However, your style of writing made this tiresome to read; you need to vary your sentence structure much more. I think that you’re aiming for a sparse style, without any unneccesary flowery language. Still, you’ll notice that almmost every sentence starts with a noun, usually the subject of the sentence. Some examples: ‘Tom and Frank inspected’, ‘Adena looked upward’, ‘They walked together’, ‘She took Jack’s hand’. Try starting some sentences with action, like ‘Taking Jack’s hand’ or ‘Walking together’. The dialogue is also always in the same style, and often ends in ‘Jack said’ or ‘Tom said’. Try incorporating the dialogue into another sentence, so in the same sentence you could have some action or description with some dialogue. This will make your writing both more unified and more varied.
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Just something I noted as I read:
“Adena looked upward and the skies were threatening to snow again, she pulled her wool scarf around her neck …” This is really 2 sentences written this way. Either put a period after the word again, or combine them by putting the word “so” before ‘she pulled her wool scarf.” It would just make better sense that way. When you talk about the oxen being less than cooperative, you might want to show it, by adding ” they were fidgeting and clawing the dirt with their hooves and not standing very still at all” Something to show their uncooperatives you mention. I think listing everything they bought was a little spread out and could probably be a bit more condensed somewhat. It’s interesting to know what they had to take, but play up the conversation to, as to what did they think of the prices, the other people. You tell us as the author but perhaps you can just have the main characters discuss it while the shop. Just a suggestion to make this chapter sparkle in the thick of the whole manuscript. Hope this helps.
I was camp on a river once. Hmmm…interesting beginning there. Perhaps there could be more immediate characterisation of Adena; speech patterns don’t always give it away straight away. The style shift later on reminds me of ‘Just William’. I didn’t quite get the age of some of the characters, although the style gets fuller and better quality. Fantastic ending. Great story arc.
Excellently written with pin point descriptions. You have a perfect understanding of this genre and see no reason why you should be able to publish a book like this. I did notice on one grammatical error but that would be noticed by the proofing team. Movie maybe? Something more dynamic would need to happen within the first few moments. Possible start with something exciting that happened along the way then have your character look back to this day as a beginning point. Overall I thought it was excellent!!
I enjoyed this piece a lot. Typically I get bored with longer pieces like this, but this one actually held my attention the entire time. Considering I’m reading chapter 8 it’s kind of hard to comment on the story because I dont really know all that much and can’t really grab onto anything concrete just yet. But I like your writing style a lot. It’s very simple and easy to read. I never found myself stumbling on any sentences or anything. Everything had a nice, easy flow to it. The whole chapter had a good pace and i never felt like it got boring or that you bogged down the reader with too much detail—because you definitely didn’t. But overall I found it good. Keep up the good work.
This piece reminds me of, “The Grapes of Wrath.” Camp Along the River could definitely be published as far as I’m concerned. The only suggestions I have besides a couple minor spelling mistakes (‘Sam Parker’s wave’, ‘Adena’s thin waist’) are to maybe extend the journal entry a little longer. Otherwise, this was a quick, enjoyable read.
Okay, I read another (earlier?) chapter and this suffers from similar problems:
1. Just use said.
“We’re ready to go to Hill’s general store?” Jack asked.
“Where do y’all want us to make camp?” Frank inquired.
No asking, replying, enquiring etc. A question mark denotes a question (duh), so you don’t need the ‘Jack asked’ – it’s repetition. Perhaps the ‘average’ reader won’t spot it? But an editor would as would a keen reader/writer.
2. Be specific.
Tom and Jack walked across the store and stood next to Frank.
“HAW”, Frank said without his whip and the oxen moved forward.
HOW did the oxen move forward? Slowly? Quickly? HOW slowly/quickly? You need to show us with specific words. ‘Move’ means nothing as a description, just like ‘look’ and ‘walk’.
Here you use move:
‘The three wagons moved forward towards Hill‘s Mercantile, a distance of about one mile. Being empty and light weight, the wagons bounced and creaked.’
but THEN you describe the move! The description is great, but you don’t need the description AND the move. So join them together, eg:
‘The three wagons bounced and creaked towards Hill‘s Mercantile, a distance of about one mile.’
You give us this:
‘It was another dreary and cloudy morning’
which, again, suffers from being non-specific. What does ‘dreary’ mean? It’s as meaningless as saying ‘Hitler was a bad man.’ HOW is it dreary? Show us the clouds overhead, veined with black. Show us the grey steel light of the morning, washing away optimism.
Each time you are non-specific you are telling, not showing. Telling is easy for the writer but boring for the reader; showing is engaging for the reader but difficult for the writer.
3. 1847 dialogue (sorry, I’m English! US folk say ‘dialog’, right?)
Your diary entry does not sound like it is from 1847, which of course it isn’t! But it SHOULD sound plausible.
Also – and perhaps this is just me – you use a phrase which sounds a bit of an innuendo:
‘I do like Jack McMenomy and he kissed me today down by the river.’
I KNOW the kissing down by the river is innocent, but to my smutty mind it sounds like a euphemism for oral sex! (sorry)
But it’s also passive (‘he kissed me’), so any excuse for a rewrite:
‘I do like Jack McMenomy and today we kissed by the river.’
What about this:
“We’ve got some real city slickers in our company
Is the term ‘city slicker’ an 1847 term? Or more like 1947? I don’t know, but you SHOULD. If it’s from 1847, fine. If not, rewrite.
4. Passive sentences
Avoid them:
‘The oxen were less than cooperative as they were being yoked.’
How about something like:
‘Jack yoked the oxen and they fought back with a gruff snort.’
Better?
More passive, with its rewritten active version below:
‘There were two wooden steps leading up to a covered walkway that went in front of six establishments’ [passive]
‘Two wooden steps led up to a covered walkway that went in front of six establishments’ [active]
See how the active sounds better, even though it tells the reader the same info?
5. Point of view
We are seeing this from Adena’s point of view, indicated by lines such as:
‘Adena wondered if this was the way it would be’
This being so, we can only be told information about people and wagons and oxen etc IF Adena can see it or hear it or feel it!
Remember this!
6. Describe
Again, describe the setting to us! Describe the clouds of dust, the relentless heat, the panoramic views etc. Don’t tell us your characters are staring in a westerly direction – who cares? Describe the forests tipped like arrowheads, the snaking rivers, the jagged mountains of red and orange.
Without some description a scene will never come alive because the reader can’t visualise it. You don’t need to describe EVERYTHING – just hint at enough for us to be able to feel as though we are there, experiencing what your character experiences.
7. Oddities
You have a few sentences that need to be written because as they stand they don’t sound right:
‘Adena knew her time was drawing close where she would not be able to look at and touch fine clothes.’
What about:
‘Adena knew the time where she would not be able to look at or touch fine clothes was drawing close.’
‘Then she saw bonnets made of wool, she tried one on, it felt so warm and knew she had to have it. Then she came across the boots, how much better would they be rather than her thin shoes.’
^ This one doesn’t work because of your punctuation.
How about:
‘Then she saw bonnets made of wool. She tried one on and it felt so warm and knew she had to have it. She came across the boots and realised how much better they would be compared to her thin shoes.’
This would work better with a colon and semi-colons (and editing), eg:
‘She shopped around and noticed the store had nearly everything an emigrant needed for going west: heavy coats; fancy clothes; traveling clothing; cloth and sewing needs; food stuffs; and cast iron pots and pans for cooking.’
‘Slowly Jack lowered his head, his lips lowering to meet hers.’ -> too much lowering
‘Harder he pressed his lips harder against hers and instinctively she responded’ -> too much harder
You use these:
‘They walked together in silence’
‘They walked in silence’
Try to think of other ways of saying this, rather than using the same sentence, eg:
‘Together they walked, hand in hand, not needing to say anything.’
This is clumsy:
‘The rumors he had heard there weren’t much there except for on the coast. There were no stores, nothing, anywhere near where the free land was available.’
What about:
‘He’d heard rumors saying there wasn’t much there except for by the coast. Were there any stores near the available free land?’
8. Spelling and typos:
‘Up the road, about a quarter mile they could see Sam Parker waiving to them. Frank returned Sam’s waive’ -> waving/wave, not waiving/waive
thin waste -> thin waist!
Apart from the above, this is okay.
However, it still suffers from a lack of excitement. It’s an action adventure with adventure but precious little action! In a western setting, there is plenty of scope for action:
- attack from those pesky Red Indians (do NOT use the politically correct term, because people in 1847 wouldn’t!)
- threat of dwindling supplies and imminent starvation/lack of water
- wagon wheels breaking
- attack from wild animals including snakebites
- oxen collapsing or dying or getting loose and escaping perhaps
- people arguing about where to go
- unrequited love
- fights between (what we would now call) alpha males as they try to show they are the leader
- freak weather, eg floods (wagons getting stuck in mud etc)
- the typical abhorrent human behaviour of rape/incest/murder/stealing/revenge/jealousy etc
I guess it all depends on what the purpose of your story is.
If it’s JUST for your own amusement, then you can ignore everything I tell you and just write it the way YOU want to.
But, if you plan to publish this then you WILL have to correct the material I’ve identified – AND make it exciting.
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