I will get there Elle, next chapter some answers, I promise.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Wasteland chapter 2
Play it through, Gavin thought, lets see where this takes us. It was the only logical option he had. His head was foggy and his thoughts clouded, so he opted to let it ride a little longer until he got his bearings. No rash decisions until then, or until he had no choice but to make one.
He gazed outside again. The laser grid fencing drew his eyes to it, and for a moment he drifted away lost in its translucent blue shimmer. It was beautiful, a stark contrast to the bleak scorched earth. This effect was by design, the gentle water-like gleam was said to attract dead walkers, like moths to the flame. The mental image brought a slight grin to his face, walkers were universally despised. The bastard sons of the revival process, no longer human just a predator walking in mans image with an insatiable hunger to kill.
With a frustrated shake of his head he snapped back to reality, why couldn’t he stay focused? He didn’t remember drinking anything, was he drugged if so, for what? What was going on? He took another look around the worn bus and nothing had changed. All the other men were sleeping soundly, all except one; the thin Asian soldier again met his gaze. He seemed to know him, though Gavin had no idea how.
A sudden wave of panic came over him; the trained Marine took a deep cleansing breath in order to keep his wits about him. The Corp had taught him that panic was never friend and needed to be controlled, and they gave him the tools to do so. Gavin knew that he couldn’t focus on the entire picture; it was too much to deal with. This was usually how civilians got themselves killed in times of peril, instead of taking things one step at a time they let the entire situation overwhelm them.
The Corp had begun using a method called ‘logical assessment,’ Gavin figured the name was simple so as not to confuse the jarheads. In effect it was just what it sounded like, figuring out the situation using logic and reason piece by piece.
The battlefield was full of bad situations, missed drop zones, communication failure, or getting trapped behind enemy lines among a myriad of others. In order to stop panic from taking over, Marines were taught simply to run the numbers, who, when, why, how, or whichever were relevant to the circumstance. And they went over in detail how to decide each, many long days had been spent determining importance of issues. The important thing was not to look at it as a whole, break down the issues and solve each one separately.
First rule was always neutralizing all hostiles; it was simple and seemed like common sense. But Gavin had seen the sat com transmissions of Marines and GI’s dying with their radios in hand, so fixated on calling in, that they forgot to deal with imminent threats. Here that wasn’t an issue. So he moved on to the next step, who?
Who were the other guys? They were soldiers that much was clear. The insignias and various tattoos said so, but beyond that even as they slept they had cockiness’ about them, they were comfortable sleeping surrounded by others, some snored, others were nearly silent, from that alone, he could tell a lot about them. To Gavin that was almost like wearing a tag that read, infantry, or spec ops.
But they were really secondary, he evaluated that they were likely in the same situation he was and it was unlikely they could or would offer answers; onto the next question.
Where? That was difficult. He looked outside again to see endless wasteland stretched as far as the eye could see. Which desert was the question? He assumed from cars and cities he had seen earlier that it was likely somewhere in America, perhaps Mexico. The sands reinforced that, though they weren’t pure white not like the Middle East’s endless sea of rolling dunes; no these were littered with tuff arid foliage.
So that was an answer of sorts, North America most likely. He felt slightly better having armed himself with that bit of knowledge, no matter how vague it was. So the exact details would have to wait; next step he mused.
Why? The million dollar question; something militant, special operations maybe, but if so it was unlike anything he had ever heard of. There was another option, it all pointed in one direction, and he hated to think about, to think about her, gently laughing, gently mocking him as she always did. He could almost hear her deceptively sweet voice. ‘Oh Gav, what have you gotten yourself into?’ He felt his hand clenching to a fist, and his blood began to boil. Not now, don’t think about it, keep cool. He reminded himself, keep focused.
Directly across from him a lean soldier’s eyes sprang open, his brown head of short hair snapped around taking in the bus. The look on his face told Gavin that this guy is where he himself was just minutes ago.
“What the hell?” he said aloud, his expression turning quickly from one of confusion to anger.
Gavin leaned across, the isle and extended his hand “Gavin Roseland, and to answer your question, I really don’t know yet.”
The man eyed him suspiciously for a long moment then cracked a smile, “Bro, I have got to remember that vodka is not my friend.” He said as he clasped hands firmly with Gavin.
“I’m Chad Pierson. So help me out, do you have any idea what we are doing here?”
“Wish I could, but I just woke up a few minutes ago. Last thing I remember was being discharged from the Corp, and here we are Chad.”
“This is crazy.” Chad said as he rubbed his hands against his face and then stood up to stretch. Gavin now noticed he was tall, likely near six five and somewhat lanky, with a clean shaven face that seemed to have a permanent grin.
“I am going to ask the driver, he has to know.” Chad said as he got up and began towards the front of the bus.
“You sure, I think perhaps we should just let this play out a little, see where it takes us.”
“Hell no, I want answers, last thing I remember was playing cards with some of they guys drinking it up. If you were a hot stripper I wouldn’t care had I woke up next to you, but this just isn’t acceptable.”
“Suit yourself.” Gavin leaned back shaking his head slightly.
“I am going to get to the bottom of this, just give me a second.”
Gavin watched as Chad moved up the isle, as he did the driver reached out his right hand and pressed a button. Suddenly at the front of the bus a sign lit up reading “Please Remain Seated”
“Hey man no games, what are we doing here? Where are you taking us?” Chad asked, his voice was loud and it roused a few of the other soldiers from their sleep.
Gavin watched, as the driver pointedly ignored Chad’s questions and without turning around, he raised his hand and pointed to the lit sign.
“No, you’re going to tell me what the hell this is about.” Chad said his voice nearing a yell as he closed the distance between him and the driver.
All of a sudden he stopped short like he had smacked into an invisible wall, he whipped around locking eyes with Gavin. “I just hit something, some kind of force field.” Chad said with a look of confusion.
Suddenly a female voice chimed from an unseen speaker. “Please remain seated with your seatbelts fastened.”
“Chad, maybe you better come take your seat.” Gavin said sensing something was very wrong.
“No Gavin, this guys going to start answering questions, and now!” Chad yelled from the front of the bus.
The other soldiers were now up and the calm from moments ago was replaced by frantic voices shouting questions. “Where am I? What’s going on here?” asked nameless GI’s. Others shouted threats and stood up. Chad was now joined by two others knocking on the force-field trying to get the attention of the driver. Though the driver seemed not to notice he just looked forward impassively.
Gavin looked around taking a deep breath, things were about to get bad he knew**.
Men were running up the isles, others were pounding on the windows and trying to open the emergency doors. Everyone was screaming, the noise was near deafening and amid the turmoil Gavin caught a glimpse of one man sitting quietly, a relaxed look on his yellow face, a slight smile in his eyes. The Asian man nodded at him calmly.
Things suddenly blurred, the bus jarred to the right, off the road and into the open sands. The driver cranked the wheel to the left sending the rear-end fishtailing out of control. Men were flung about as the bus spun. Gavin felt certain that they would flip and for a moment the bus teetered on one side, and then rocked back finally settling. The men were yelling and running in all directions and Gavin lost sight of Chad.
A hissing sound reverberated through the vehicles hull, and giant dust clouds rushed in as the emergency exits sprang open.
The same artificial voice from earlier spoke impassively. “Please exit the vehicle in a calm orderly manner.”
Gavin sat back and watched as the soldiers shoved and pushed to each of the three exits, two at the front and one at the rear. After a moment, everyone had finally cleared leaving only him and the driver; who seemed stared forwards emotionlessly.
Gavin grabbed his rucksack and got up and made his way through the grimy air to the rear exit. He was startled to have someone nearly step in front of him from one of the seats.
The man eyed him for a moment, then spoke.
“Sorry, thought everyone was out.” He said with surprise in his clear blue eyes.
“So did I.” Gavin replied.
“You first, I can wait” said the man who had impossibly white teeth and despite the near crash, perfectly groomed blond hair.
Gavin took one last glance back at the driver who was still facing forward, hand raised turned side to side in a beauty pageant type wave. He hopped outside onto the soft sand; behind him the blond man followed.
As soon as they were out of the bus the emergency door slammed shut. The bus’ engine groaned and its wheels sprayed sand at the group of men. Everyone scattered as the vehicle reentered the highway.
The men yelled out “What the hell? Where’s he going? You can’t leave us here?”
A few gave chase but were quickly outdistanced as the bus gained speed.
It was pandemonium, men yelling, some threatening one another, shoving and pushing; the tension building in the group, which Gavin estimated to be about twenty five.
“Someone better answer up now? Where are we? Who are you? Whose fault is this?” they shouted, each adding to the confusion presenting more questions and no answers.
Gavin stepped away from the group and walked to the road, leaving the chaos behind him. Their confusion was poison and he couldn’t afford to get caught up in it.
He looked up the long desert road and saw the bus fade into a heat mirage far in the distance, near what looked to be a set of buildings.
Then he turned around and looked back the other way down the road from where they had come. He saw something, after a moment he could make it out, three vehicles two large trucks, and perhaps a smaller SUV. They were headed his way and moving fast, cutting across the desert at high rate of speed. Gavin focused on the convoy for a long moment, his stomach knotted, this didn’t feel right.
“I count three, two large and a point vehicle.” Said the blond man, who had joined him standing on the road,
“You agree?”
“I do?” Gavin replied all the while keeping his eyes locked on the group that rapidly approached.
“I get the feeling that the boys here aren’t going to like how this turns out.”
The blond man said as he extended his hand towards Gavin. “I’m Frank, Frank Carter, just in case I’m right and there’s no time for intros later on.” Gavin clasped his hand. “Gavin Roseland.” He replied.
“Well Frank do you know something the rest of us don’t?”
“Quite a few things I’m sure.”
“If you feel like enlightening me, please don’t hesitate.” Gavin said dripping with sarcasm.
“No, we don’t have that much time, whoever’s in those will be on us soon.” Frank said gesturing towards the approaching vehicles. “I just get the feeling that its bad news.”
“And yet you seem less than worried.”
“Course not I live for this stuff.” Frank replied coolly.
“Not me I like to have a game-plan.”
“Different strokes, I guess.”
Chad joined the pair, the man Gavin had met before. The tall soldier walked up and quickly noticed what the pair was staring at.
“Hey Gavin, turns out you were right, I maybe should’ve stayed in my seat and not pissed of the driver, my bad.” Chad said with a disarming grin.
“Who are those guys?” Chad asked, as he squinted to focus.
“Oh those guys, I called some friends of mine to come pick us up, there really good that way.” Replied Frank as a grin crossed his tanned face.
“Really?” Chad said incredulously.
“No.”
“That’s Funny, I feel stupid. I’m Chad.” Chad said smiling as he and Frank laughed slightly and shook hands.
“Frank Carter.”
“So what do we do?” Chad queried.
“Play it through.” Gavin replied “See where it takes us.”
Moments later the rest of the group joined Gavin and the others on the road, everyone’s eyes were now fixed on the rapidly nearing convoy.
Some of the men were rattling out questions, others were nervously shifting their weight from foot to foot, while others were pacing.
“So Gavin, why were you still on the bus after everyone else had cleared out?” Frank asked as they waited.
“Guess I could ask you the same question.” Gavin replied.
“Yeah, but you didn’t.” Frank said dryly.
“Just didn’t see the need to get trampled with the rest of the sheep.”
“A Sheppard needs to know when to let their herd go?”
“That’s exactly right.” Gavin replied.
Franks expression changed as the group of vehicles neared, and his crystal blue eyes, turned icy cold.
“Here they come.” Frank said in hushed voice, “Its go time.”
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MaxPower1272 reviewed Version 1 -
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This piece wasn’t bad. The diaologue didn’t really seem to accomplish much except introductions and that still wasn’t all to clear. In today’s industry all dialogue needs to be economical or productive otherwise you’ll lose the interest of the editor/reader. I suggest moving some of the action or whats going on into dialogue so characters read out whats happening to eachother.
Not a bad piece, you seem to have a grip on the universe and whatever is going on, I feel confident as the reader that more will be revealed.
Overall good work. Keep it up!
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EllePepper reviewed Version 1 -
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You are almost there, but you play up the confusion a little too much, a reader will only put up with not knowing for so long. It is interesting but some things had better be answered soon, or as a paying reader I would be throwing the book.
It’s ok, and in fact, recommended for the reader to know more than the MC. So it is ok to let us know who the good, bad and ugly are, and what the rules of this world are. Right now, I don’t even know the game, let alone the rules. I understand that they are in a battlefield, but why? How did they get there, and are they on the good side? Those are the questions I want answered fast, and how they deal with those answers needs to be the crux of the story.
Fido reviewed Version 1 -
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I don’t know why but this one I didn’t like as much. Don’t get me wrong, it was still very good. As always I wanted to know what was going on however this time I think you were a bit too vague even for me, and that’s not really a good sign. I want to know what happened in this world that led to it being in the state that it’s currently in. Things like zombies and a setting that seems to be recovering from a nuclear war are generally intriguing enough to beg the question: Wtf happened here?
stephanloy reviewed Version 1 -
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Another well-paced chapter with just the right amount of characterization and just the right hint of mystery and menace. I now see and understand three characters, gavin, Frank and Chad (can’t stand that last name; I’d prefer something less Beverly Hills). The oriental guy is there, and I want to know about him. I wonder why he hasn’t yet been introduced.
I thought the long dissertation on marine Corps panic control was unnecessary. Just let him go through the process, perhaps even ticking each step off in his mind, as he did. The reader will realize that the process is resultant from training. It isn’t something you have to explain.
I suggest also that you curb all the running in all directions on the bus. The shouting, cursing, jeering and demands, sure. The two or three guys pounding on the force field, sure. Three or four other guys in the aisle (by the way, that’s how you spell it; isle is an island), definitely, especially checking the emergency exits. But there isn’t really anyplace to run, especially with people already in the aisle.
I assume the vehicles at the end are not military vehicles. If they were, the characters would have identified them by nomenclature, not just as trucks and SUVs.
I really liked the driver. I felt he could be emphasized by shortening some of his references. For instance:
Though the driver seemed not to notice he just looked forward impassively.
might be more effective as:
The driver just looked forward impassively.
...cleared leaving only him and the driver; who seemed stared forwards emotionlessly.
Well, not only is this slightly garbled in the second clause, but it might go over clearer as:
...cleared leaving only him and the driver; who stared forward emotionlessly.
All in all, a good installment.
CaptGage reviewed Version 1 -
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I could sympathize with Chad for wanting to know why he was on the bus with the GIs. Basically, this segment is pretty short. The characters are on a bus and they’re let off and abandoned. It will be interesting to see what happens now, of course.
The writing is pretty straightforward, unencumbered by any pretension dialogue or anything like that. There are a lot of people, mostly minor, in the segment. Many ‘extras.’ Chad does keep his sense of humor pretty well, judging from his exchange with the guy who claims that he called some friends.
The main problem with this segment is that it’s a bit short. It’s hard to tell where it might go. The good thing is it could go anywhere.
Brien_James_Dawson reviewed Version 1 -
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(content critique)
I just don’t see this as being one hundred years from today, in a post apocoplyse world. It reads as if nothing as really changed? There are still marines, still a sat-com? Buses? Gas? What kind of post apocoplyse world is this?
What about the venacular of the characters? Nothing has changed? English, in a post apocoplyse world is still the same as 2007?
just some things to think about. When writing post apocoplyse story lines… you have to create a world first and write the story second.
KenH1957 reviewed Version 1 -
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I want to know more. You really have a great command of your subject. The characters were well developed and the dialogue was excellent. You’ve done a great job setting up the situation. Of all the stuff I’ve read in the short time I’ve been on this site, this has the most promise for comercial success. I want to read more!
The_August_Kid reviewed Version 1 -
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An intriguing and interesting piece. I really don’t have any complaints to say. The writing style is concsise and simplistic. Very well done. I dont think I actually found any mistakes anywhere. None of the sentences read awkwardly and the stories pace kept me reading the whole time. I dont necessarily know what’s happening all that well since I didnt read the chapter but the story I like and Gavin is fleshed out and developed nicely. I get a sense of his character as soon as the chapter begins. Keep up the good work.
CelestialAlchemist reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m not sure about the fantasy but i do suppose i can get with the post-apocolyptic world being scifi and the soilders fit well into the setting. IAnd your description of the surrounds were a bit short but i did recieve the impression that they are stranded in the middle of a desertlike place that’s pretty much bleak, hot, and dusty.
But i really would have liked more detailed descriptions of the characters instead of the the man, and maybe a man with one distinguishing feature like the hook-nosed or…something like that.
I’m no expert or anything but i think it’s a good a pretty interesting start.
but i have to say that i got a problem with this particular sentence.
“Someone better answer up now? Where are we? Who are you? Whose fault is this?” they shouted, each adding to the confusion presenting more questions and no answers.
Now, this is merely a suggestion, but i would reshape this particular sentence as so:
“Someone better answer up now! Where are we? “
“Who are you?!”
“Whose fault is this?”
The abandoned passengers’ voices rose into hysterical shouts, each adding to the confusion presenting more questions and no answers.
It’s just a suggestion. i usually don’t read post-apocolyptic stuff but the bus dumping the ppl off and speeding off is a good hook.
serqua reviewed Version 1 -
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I really enjoyed this piece. I can see were you are taking us. You have great disciptions as well as a way with your words. The conversations to me seem to be the weakest point. They just do not seem to grab my full attention. But as I said that is my outlook on this piece. You really do have a good story here keep it up and by all means continue writing this one. Many people will find this very apealing and interesting.
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