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This is my first try at this type of poem and I am glad that you loved it!!
_ Frendly_Bubbles
Poetry / Untitled (Analysis)
I remember the dew covered grass, crisp and cool under foot,
The soft, gentle breeze kissing my lips as I breathed,
The scent of the fresh, new floral beds in the gardens of the earth,
The sense of being watch over and over again as I walked,
I remember the birds’ songs of love, beauty, peace,
The gathering of the gazelles and the herds of antelope,
The gentle prism raindrops falling on my warm, rough skin,
The sense of being lightly touched on the hand,
Mystery . . . . . . . .
I remember the beautifully colored sunset and sunrise as dusk was night, and night, dawn,
The call of the early risers’ songs,
The scent of wet earth as I rose from my slumber,
The look of an unknown visitor,
I remember the night’s splendors arousing with the last light of dusk,
The grandeur of the creatures of the night as they foraged and hunted there meals,
The Moon’s gentle rays of light falling through the leaves of the trees and bushes,
The gathering wind as it rushed through the clearings and narrow spaces of the world,
I remember the scents of spring and summer as they melded together with the changing of the seasons,
The vivid and tantalizing colors that flowed around me,
The eyes of a creature that stumbled across my path,
Lifeless and ominous,
I remember experiencing the palpable trepidation of all around me,
Yet I could not understand,
All life around me disintegrated into agitation,
The world seemed to fall into itself.
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kill_goose reviewed Version 1 -
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very Romantic (in the literary movement sense). The repetition of “I remember” is a little bit droning, although it makes the images feel, as you stated “mysterious…”
The poem has a good rhythm to it and deserves to be read slowly and with many pauses. The images are wet and easy on the eyes. The Final stanza was painful, it has all come undone! It is, in a way, a modern theme in poetry: the destruction of nature (although I sense that you are also hinting at an internal catastrophy which transformed your way of seeing your surroundings). Nonetheless, the destruction of nature and of peaceful “green” is a living theme that should be reflected in poetry today.
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imranda reviewed Version 1 -
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Okay, so right off your imagery is pretty good. You set the scene wonderfully – the reader is immediately immersed in this world of yours. With poetry, this is the first hurdle, and you’ve cleared it.
But now that we know what your surroundings look like, where are we exactly? There are antelope and gazelles and grass… Hmmm. Who’s this person (or not?) with you? Another short stanza somewhere in the middle would clear this up.
Aside from that, just watch your commas – you tend to overuse them (I have the same problem). You’ve also used the incorrect “there/their/they’re” once and mixed up “your” and “you’re.” Careful! You could do to thin out some of your words, too. Make it sparser, it’ll sparkle.
Overall, though, this is nice.
Sup reviewed Version 1 -
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I felt romance reading this piece, flashing back. It seems as though the character just got older and out of touch with his surroundings. You are evry visual in your descriptions and you do inspire a second read. I’d look to the fifth stanza for the title. Something dealing with the changing of the season.
arualsuga reviewed Version 1 -
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The sense of being watch over and over again as I walked,
I don’t think ‘as I walked’ is necessary here, you already wrote about feeling the grass underfoot and I feel the poem would sound better just ‘over and over again’
as dusk was night, and night, dawn,
Maybe ‘as dusk was night, and night was dawn’ in order to create a pattern here.
foraged and hunted there meals,
’their’ rather than ‘there’ maybe it would sound better as ‘foraged for food’ because it says the same thing in less words, that sentence is too long already.
Lifeless and ominous,
The piercing eyes so lifeless and ominous. Just a suggestion.
I like your poem.
It flows well.
It sounds to me as if it is set in a dream and the agitation you feel at the end is trying to remember more and you can’t.
I’m probably wrong, but that’s how it sounds. It has a dreamlike quality in the way that is precise in some areas and vague in others.
I think you have written a very very very good poem, despite the bits i tried to correct. xD
Anyway, Good Luck.
DramaGeek reviewed Version 1 -
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I think your poem does more than make someone go “Hmmm…” as Urbis ratings say. I was enraptured by your words. The imagry is splended. I love it.
cortloffsgerl reviewed Version 1 -
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I love the message. I gathered the message to be how beautiful life is as we are growing up, the recollections of nature and all her wonder, yet to have it crumble at our feet as time lingers. It definitely makes a person reflect, or it did me. As for the flow, The lines should be broken.
Might I suggest, take this work and sit down with it. Read it aloud, to yourself in the rhythm You, the writer, feel it should be read. Pause when you intend for the pause to be structure into the work. As you pause in your reading, structure each line on paper accordingly.
Overall, you did a great job.
(Sorry it has taken me so long to get back to but it has been a Long semester)
perfct2u reviewed Version 1 -
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To name this piece, what was the setting? Was it a vacation to Africa? Something you came up with after watching a nature show? Answering those questions might help you to name this poem. YOur imagery creates a setting. You chose your words carefully is evident. Good work, I look forward to seeing more. My suggestions are below:
- The sense of being watch over and over again as I walked,: put watchED instead
- I remember the night’s splendors arousing with the last light of dusk,: not sure if AROUSING is the correct word here. try DIMINISHING.
- foraged and hunted there meals, : use THEIR insted of there.
- palpable trepidation of all around me, : delete OF.
Lenore reviewed Version 1 -
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THe “mystery…” line should definently be taken out or rephrased. Or at lest take away the … I think your trying to communicate the deterioration of the beauty of nature.. if that is right than you are well understood. THe whole thing certainly has a nice flow. The line ”remember the birds’ songs of love, beauty, peace” is just rather cheesy to me. Other than that you have some pleasant imagery, I especially liked the rain imagery. To be honest I believe the deterioration of nature is something more violent and Ii would love to hear it in a poem. COntrasting the beauty of nature and the dark destruction would be more interesting.
Big_D reviewed Version 1 -
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Decent imagery. Flow is not bad, maybe you don’t need to use I remember as often as it gets repetitive. I wanted to know more and it left me asking why.
moanmyname reviewed Version 1 -
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This is an interesting piece. Many try to write about nature and her beauty but with you, it feels like you are actually there feeling the grass under your feet and smelling the rain. Love this line especially”sunset and sunrise as dusk was night, and night, dawn,” So powerful!
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