Haiku/Senryu / Children

Babies cannot know
whose harps of heartstrings they pluck
When first they are born.

You touch my music
and give it a master’s stroke.
I am your student.

My virtuoso.
My heart is your instrument
Fine tune it at will.

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Eupholome avatar General Stranger

January 19, 2008

Eupholome

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Eupholome reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

You have no way of knowing if the object of this affection has, or will ever read this brilliant rensaku. Good luck!

catherinespark avatar General Stranger

December 28, 2007

catherinespark

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catherinespark reviewed Version 2 - Read 100%% of the Item

A very romantic set of triple haikus. I’m not too convinced by the line “you touch my music” since it seemed a little too abstract in this context. Some of the poetic language seems a little awkward as well. Making it a direct message to someone might increase its impact.

iamfromtheplanetribnog avatar General Stranger

December 21, 2007

iamfromtheplanetribnog

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iamfromtheplanetribnog reviewed Version 2 - Read 100%% of the Item

these are all very endearing. i bet you do well with short stories, too. :) great job! :)

wanderingstar127 avatar General Stranger

December 19, 2007

wanderingstar127

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wanderingstar127 reviewed Version 2 - Read 100%% of the Item

Nice work. This writing describes the overpowering effect children have over us adults. They work their magic, don’t they? The musical terms were a nice touch as well.

saex4u avatar General Stranger

December 16, 2007

saex4u

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saex4u reviewed Version 2 - Read 100%% of the Item

pretty the child that grows up with that type of love. Enjoyed it very much.

Claire_D avatar General Stranger

December 14, 2007

Claire_D

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Claire_D reviewed Version 2 - Read 100%% of the Item

Nice. A moody and classical three-parter writ in elegance and brilliance.

AstroBoyJ7 avatar General Stranger

December 13, 2007

AstroBoyJ7

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AstroBoyJ7 reviewed Version 2 - Read 100%% of the Item

This one just touches your heart.

SamiDR avatar General Stranger

December 13, 2007

SamiDR

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SamiDR reviewed Version 2 - Read 100%% of the Item

I respect the message but it seems a little bit amateur and without flow.

OfTrepidation avatar General Stranger

December 13, 2007

OfTrepidation

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OfTrepidation reviewed Version 2 - Read 100%% of the Item

Those are all very beautiful.

420BC avatar General Stranger

December 13, 2007

420BC

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420BC reviewed Version 2 - Read 100%% of the Item

Great job.  I don’t much know how to critique a haiku, but it was beautiful and I enjoyed reading it.

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sharkseek

Age: 52
Loc: Ponca City, OK
Gen: F
Last Login: November 02
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42 Reviews 29 Comments
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