Short Story / Untitled: Prologue
It all began with a bang. It was the sort of noise that in the midst of a typical spring day could’ve been mistaken for anything - the clapping of a gate, the fall of a window sash, the clatter of closing shutters, the slam of a car door – all common elements in the din of a breezy spring Saturday.
At first, it had gone unnoticed. Violet had been on her hands and knees in the kitchen garden pushing okra seeds into the damp, grey earth. She was focused, almost meditating, on the dull aching in her knees, the wet of the soil moistening the thin cloth of her skirt as she worked and the rich smell and velvet texture of the loam as her pale, slender fingers gently pushed the kernels beneath the surface. She wore a large straw hat that shielded her fair skin from the honeysuckle sun that was slowly rising into the late morning sky. It would be a warm day, the gentle beads of sweat already forming on her lip and brow. Then she heard it in the distance. A sharp crack, like a stick against a tree, perhaps, its shock muffled by the creaking of her straw brim as it wavered in the lukewarm gusts. She looked up from her task for but a moment, hearing nothing but the gentle cooing of a nearby mourning dove. Satisfied that it would not come again, she quietly cataloged it in her mind as something akin to an exclamation mark in a sea of periods and then settled back to the certainty of the soil.
It would be the silence afterwards that caught her attention. In the years to come, she would look back upon it and remember it like a gaping hole ripped into the middle of a soft-cotton day. Suddenly, whether it was real or imagined, everything stopped. Later, in telling the details to the police and then to her family, it would be the roaring stillness in its wake that allowed her to remember that she’d heard the noise at all.
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Hmmmm…Well, I definitely got a sense of the visual, but I get a feeling that you were trying to setup something that was more of a jarring experience for this character. A bang is jarring, short and sudden. Perhaps long narrative stretches with flowing sentences is not the best style to realize that idea. I am firm believer that the writing style you choose should conform to the idea and piece you are trying to relate. Therefore, what about writing a version that utilizes more short sentence bursts with carefully chosen words that are evocative and visual on their own.
These piece isn’t bad by any means. I just think that perhaps there is a better way, a better choice for you as a writer to realize this scene in a way that is powerful and instantly immerses the reader. As it is now, I am vaguely curious but not so much that a good burger and something on the television wouldn’t distract me—you know what I mean?
Anyway, if you do try out a version like that just for shits & giggles—let me know. I’d be curious to see if it works out better here.
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This was very well thought out. I understand that this is a novel, but this still REALLY GOOD. This painted a very graceful painting in my mind. This had a very detailing wordplay. I loved this sentence , “she would look back upon it and remember it like a gaping hole ripped into the middle of a soft-cotton day”.
GREAT JOB!!!
Overall I liked it. The imagery was well portrayed. Just be VERY careful about OVER detailing things. Then it’s just no fun to read. You walked the blade well this time for imagery but I think maybe you should add a little more to your hook. It’s there but it just needs more. It needs that little push to make it sink so you can real your reader in
Was it a bang or a crack? The two words seem at odds. Beautiful descriptions of the planting. I really liked the honeysuckle sun and the soft-cotton day. As a prologue, though, I thought it was a little too short – maybe more on why it was such a gaping hole, or maybe more on her world outside of this cameo.
The prologue is all about hooking the reader on to the story. I’m like half way hooked…mainly because I dont know if it’s Scifi or based in the real world. This just doesnt give me a clear of idea of what this story is about. You’re a good writer and do a good job with detailing and taught me a little about writing in first person.
I’m not sure about the last frag in the opening paragraph. It felt unnecessary given the context you developed in the “sounds like” series preceding. The imagery created by the “sound” is enough without moving to the “feel” of a breeze; besides, the “sound” is the focus of the first paragraph.
When you move into paragraph 2, the thought it went unnoticed is problemmatic. Someone noticed it (even if it is the omnisicent narrator) otherwise it wouldn’t be raised at all in paragraph 1. Perhaps, if it’s germane, note in para. 2 that Violet didn’t notice it. That should be enough.
Hard to deal with imagery without commenting on grammar (the flow of the image). To avoid too many infinitives in the 2nd sentence I would change “aching” to “ache” and comma after “worked”. Nice image on the whole, descriptive, but not telling us enough about her as character. Perhaps some tags to go to character here like “her green skirt” (green thumb?) or “her pale, slender fingers, cracked and wrinkled from the years, gently”. What I’m suggesting is to add to the image to suggest or imply character.
“that slowly rose” – drop the “was” and change “rising” to “rose” to move the pacing faster – helps the imagery and flow.
Good imagery of her, but I would still like more that implies character.
When you return to the sound, after mentioned it went unnoticed, it seems as if it happened twice. The timeline is fragmented here.
Drop “lukewarm” since now we are focused not on “visual” but on “auditory”, and it’s a sharp, crack, so we want to move the pacing faster. Drop all unnecessary modifiers when trying to speed up the pacing. The last two sentences in the 2nd para. seem out of place – you have the sharp, crack, then it returns to stillness (but all the more abstract and distant). We need something solid in her character to believe it – why she doesn’t look into it, why she returns like a doe to grazing (gardening). “catalogue”, “exclamation mark” and “periods” are to neutral for the event – more active words seem appropriate for the image.
I like “roaring stillness” but you have now moved into “would’ves”, or future events, that tug us again out of the timeline. You need something concrete. What happened? It must be shown here.
Generally, I like your writing style. I think there are flow issues. The imagery is well done. You are good at the craft.
This is good, it really got me interested in the story. You are a very descriptive writer with an ability to burn images into the mind.. I think my favorite bit is ”...a gaping hole ripped into the middle of a soft-cotton day.”
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