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Humor/Satire / An Environmentally-Minded Ode to Boston Terriers
On, Oscar! On, Oliver! On, Hank and on, Jake!
A whirling, tumbling, Boston-size quake,
Barking, drooling, snorting and more
They rolled down the hallway
and crashed through the door!
They rolled down the street,
taking out cars and
breaking down mailboxes,
and tearing up yards.
They frightened the neighbors
and caused such a stir,
This pooping and peeing
Whirring cyclone of fur.
Like termites with tails,
they devoured a school,
A junk yard, a restaurant,
the neighborhood pool.
They kept right on going,
nothing stood in their path
That they wouldn’t tear,
Gobble, chew on or smash.
They called out the guard,
sounded every alarm
But nothing could stop this
Boston Terrier swarm.
They ate a huge path
right through the state
And continued due north
till they reached the Great Lakes.
They drank their way through them
till their bladders were full
then they peed a straight line
till they reached the north pole.
The north pole was too cold
So they barreled on south
In a whirlwind of paws,
Teeth and ravenous mouths.
They went south to Europe,
Through England, to France
Slurping up food, wine,
And an old mime’s black pants.
They ate their way down
The Champs Elysees
ingesting every boutique
That they met on the way.
They gorged on Chanel
They dined on fine art
This rolling black and white mass
Of snort, growl, slurp and fart.
And then something happened.
The dogs quickly slowed down,
Having eaten their way
Through the whole Paris town.
Oscar, Jake and Hank stopped
Oliver let out a yawn.
Could it finally be?
They wanted to go home?
The dogs turned around
And headed back north
Back through England and France
They made their way forth.
They passed the north pole,
Swam back across the Great Lakes
Their eyelids so heavy
They could hardly keep ‘wake.
They made their way back
Past the ruined old school,
The junkyard, the restaurant
And the neighborhood pool.
They turned round the bend
Their house finally in sight
They made their way through
Their front door with delight.
Their bellies all full
They snuggled down in their beds
With visions of chaos dancing
through their black and white heads.
Then the alarm finally rang
Andy got up to go work
Unaware that her pups
Had gone totally berserk.
As she got up to go
She kissed them each on the head
She grabbed her lunch box
and said ‘bye’ to Ed.
She walked out to the drive
And went to get in her car
But all that was left
was the passenger door.
She looked round and noticed
That her street was in tatters.
Hydrants were spewing.
Windows were shattered.
Her jaw dropped in shock
Not knowing what happened
That her dogs had gone nuts
While she was peacefully napping.
The moral of the story
My dear ladies and gents
Is when you lay down to sleep
After the day’s been spent
Make sure Boston Terriers,
When they lay down to sleep
Have had enough fun
And filled up on treats.
For, when you are sleeping
if they haven’t had play
and their tummies aren’t full
at the end of the day
they might eat your house,
your lawn and your car,
they might snack on the school
or the neighborhood bar.
And they might keep on going
From dusk until dawn
Until the world as we know it
Is crapped out on the lawn.
So, if you love the environment
And want the world to stay whole
Make feeding these terriers
Your earth-friendly goal.
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Shinney reviewed Version 1 -
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A really fun read. I would love to see this as a children’s book or in a picture book for adults (and kids who’s parents let them read books with pee and poop in them). As I read the words I couldn’t help but see some beautiful pictures in mind to really sell the humor.
The only thing I would suggest is trimming it down. As much fun as it was to read, the small lines make it seem longer than it really is. And brevity is the sole of comedy.
Thank you for sharing.
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TakeARisk reviewed Version 1 -
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Ha! Ha! A clever take on the morality tale/tail. Good job
A few concerns:
These few phrases have awkard pattern. The rhythm’s a bit off
taking out cars and
breaking down mailboxes,
and tearing up yards.
In these few lines, the second “they” is vague. You didn’t define who the new “they” were so it initially seems to refer to the Terrors/Terriers.
That they wouldn’t tear,
Gobble, chew on or smash.
They called out the guard,
sounded every alarm
I enjoyed this very much. Thanks
tstone reviewed Version 1 -
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funny. publishable in the right magazine with a little tweaking for rhythm. example: “She kissed them each on the head” = “kissing each on the head”
overall, great job of describing the behavior/personality of a group of these funny dogs in action.
Lowanza4444 reviewed Version 1 -
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I loved the word plays in this piece. You really have a way with words and dogs. I think this would make someone think twice about getting a Boston Terrier.
I think you need to use the word “lie” in this line: “Is when you lay down to sleep . . .”
stephanie482 reviewed Version 1 -
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You’re got a ten for amusment from me – I’ve got two of the yappy little creatures, and during one extended (meaning 2 hour) absence, they ate my couch. The entire couch. Left the frame, but not much else.
This put me in mind of Dr. Seuss, and I think with a little “dumbing down” you might have an excellent children’s book here.
Just my humble opinion.
Brynn reviewed Version 1 -
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This piece struck me more as a children’s book piece than anything else. Kinda like “Green eggs and ham.” I do not know all that much about poetry and was not sure if you were trying to rhyme some lines and not others or if it was just fluke that some rhymed and others didn’t. It did make me smile, those annoying little dogs, but there were a few places that the meter didnt fit quite as well as the rest.
(taking out cars and
breaking down mailboxes,
and tearing up yards.) this one for example. The “ands” seem to make it a bit choppy.
(And an old mime’s black pants)The only other suggestion I have is this line I would take out “and” at the front. It would flow much better with the rest of the lines. Other than that, it was amusing and cute, definatly something that a reader with small dogs will relate to=)
Eve
arualsuga reviewed Version 1 -
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ohhh that’s good!C nay, great! how did you make it so long? i admire you.
one thing though:
‘Swam back across the Great Lakes’
umm, how could they swim across lakes that they drank?
maybe ‘Ran across the beds of the lakes’ just to keep consistent. otherwise it’s very cool.
vetox20 reviewed Version 1 -
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Considering the time of year and the type of satire you chose, it was entertaining to say the least. I’m not a fan of dogs persay but I liked especially the last few lines of your piece. It would be a lot easier for the earth to go to crap but caring for a few dogs never really hurt anybody. Cheers.
freckleface reviewed Version 1 -
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Very cute and amusing poem… I could imagine this under the “children’s” category as well.
_This pooping and peeing
Whirring cyclone of fur._ – my favorite lines… creates a nice visual – frenzied, messy, destructive… :) I chuckled.
Andy – I don’t know many female Andy’s with a Y – most are Andi with an I. Just a thought…
and said ‘bye’ to Ed. - ‘bye’->”bye”
Great job overall…
Reaper reviewed Version 1 -
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This was too cute. It was a nice, smooth read too.
Of snort, growl, slurp and fart (Very visual, I like it.)
Until the world as we know it
Is crapped out on the lawn. (This is my favorite part.)
I didn’t notice any grammar errors. I don’t have much else to say, except I really enjoyed your poem.
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