Humor/Satire / Revolution at the Church of Coffee

I’m a sucker for details because I love to see things as I read and you know how to work with detail well. However when you said “the soft breeze blew through my luxurious long, brown hair” I got caught up in wondering what the character looked like fully and the next few sentences back lost in my mind. If you describe the character, describe her fully, otherwise just leave it at hair. Also, the word ‘dumber’ doesn’t exist & even if it did it doesn’t sound like something the character would say. Meaning, the character uses words creatively & I would expect a more creative word than ‘dumber.’

I love your style of writing and the quirky sarcasm. I also have to say that I deeply identified with the narator when it came to wanting something that you know is perfect. I bought a top yesterday that was made for me. It was just my size sitting off away from the large crowd of teenagers buying summer clothes. And I knew that there was a God in heavan that was saying, “You would look great in that.” I’m rambling but my point is you engaged the reader which I’ve learned is a hard thing for most people to do. I think the ending was a little cliched though. It is how you commonly end a satire peice, but I think you could do better than that, and you might have rushed the ending. Nice work though.

Entertaining and, for the most part, well written. I like the thermos passage, but you could give the reader of a shot of the religion theme here for the sake of consistency.

Proofreading notes:
lable = label
wrong to label a person in regards to their = (make it people, and you won’t have a problem with the antecedent).
veritable truth  (redundant. Truth and is true and genuine by nature.)
it’s overly priced dreams, = its, overpriced
it’s faux-styled clientele = its

whimsical and fun.  one suggestion: drop the line, “I’ll let you draw your own conclusions.” – it’s funnier w/out it.  (maybe the best advice i’ve recieved on writing humor is that a good joke might stop a bit short, but never runs too long.)  
overall, pretty funny.  tighten it up a bit and it’s easily publishable.  good luck!

I did find this humourous all the way through, that false warm glow of the corperate world and the false beliefs all for a taste of something you could make at home with a little time and care, Loved the thermos image, but I think had you told us the over inflated price we’d of found that more hilarious.

Love the description of the boots and the one day of snow too.

This was very well written though I think that last para had way too many comma’s and those two very long lines could of used another sentence to break them up.

Loved how the coffee got you in the end, Sucker:)

Very nice! i must say your use of descriptive words and imaginative thoughts really draws in the reader. I too am a Starbucks addict/worshipper/slave or wahtever you want to call it and your description of the shelves of trinkets was bang on. I loved your day dream of the bullet thermous, that got a laugh from me. Anyone that frequents Starbucks shall relate to this piece with ease. You even mentioned the oddly dressed people that often frequent, you have captured every aspect. Well done I hope to read more,

Eve

This was a nice piece. To be honest, when I first started reading it, I was expecting nothing more than a yuppie rant on the wonders of coffee and conversation, but your writing style and neat observations proved otherwise.  

Your writing style in general is great and I like your tone and the way that things flow. The piece’s strongest points though, I think, are your reflections on society which are both thoughful and amusing.  My favourite was the one about accessories.

Overall, this was just as good as any cosmopolitan newspaper column and I’m sure you could do wonders if you can keep up this kind of standard to your work.

MORE! MORE, DAMN YOU! but seriously, that’s wicked. I’m not sure where this could be published. Maybe on a cafe menu or something. I don’t think it has book-potential, unless you have thirty more of these ramblings. However I liked reading it, I couldn’t find any mistakes and I could relate. It is, overall, very good. It doesn’t make me want to scream and dance in the street… but then not much does.
My favourite part was the bit about the red leather thermos.
‘Go pedal your lies somewhere else!’
is by far the best line in the whole piece.

You nailed them both; humor and satire.
As a bit of a coffee officianado (that means we grind our own beans) I can tell you that we go to mass at the Starbuck altar every morning. Of course, we moved the altar closer to home since we have a friend that works there and gets a pound free every week. She won’t make it at home so we are the beneficieary of a variety of flavors.
But back to your writing. You have invaded the mind of all of those who wait for their penitence in the wee hours of the closed eyed mornings. Who hasn’t lusted after the trinkets and “real mans” coffee grinder?
Not a perfect 10 because I have no idea what a publisher looks at, nor do most of them. But a 10 where it counts.
Good work.

This was great!  Your style is warm and fun and easy to read.  
Your thermos daydream was hilarious, and a bit too familiar, though not the thermos part, the fantasy about something you ‘need’.  I’m not the best grammar hero out there, but I pride myself on knowing a thing or two, and I can’t find anything wrong with this piece.  

furry boots that looked like a taxidermist had amputated Chubaka’s feet and legs just below the knee.
&
I began to feel like a widow who had just pledged $1000 to a television evangelist – a little bit dumber and not one step closer to heaven.

These lines were my favorite.  Nice work.